The year is 2006. The population increase from 2000 to 2003 was expected to be 3.3%, 281 million to 290 million, according to the US Census Bureau. That is an increase of 9 million people in our country alone. What causes this? I know, and I will elaborate:

When a man and a woman love each other very much, meaning the man is a good liar and buys all of the girl's drinks that night, things will happen. The man will tell the woman lies in an effort to reach an orgasm in her vagina and/or mouth. The woman, being drunk, insecure and seeking a way to increase her sense of self-worth will ultimately submit to the man. Nine months later, there is another bastard child for the working class to feed.

We are in a helpless situation because there is no way to prevent any of this. It's human nature to reproduce, and we can not resist our urges. The disease of pregnancy isn't the only one either. There are several more like AIDS, syphilis, and the dreaded "I thought you loved me" syndrome. I thought that if there were some way to still give in to these sexual urges, yet somehow prevent reproduction, we could get the population under control. I started doing some research to see what could be done, and the results were astonishing.

As it turns out, the one method that I trusted in does not work. It's called the "Rhythm Method" and it has been used unsuccessfully by Caucasians and asians all over the globe. This is because these races have no rhythm and when having sexual intercourse, if you can maintain a rhythm the entire stretch of intercourse, the sperm will instantly die. Shockingly, it turns out this method does not work at all. Despite the fact that most black males have rhythm, this method does not work for them either. Studies are still pending on why this fails for those with rhythm.

The second most popular method I was aware of, is commonly referred to as the "pull out" method. This method has several flaws. The first being that several sperm exit the penis before orgasm occurs. The second being, that pulling out before your orgasm does not make any sense. Imagine going to your favorite NFL football team's superbowl game. It's the 4th quarter, and your team is down by 2 points and have the ball on the 30 yard line. The kicking team takes the field, it's a 47 yard field goal and this will be the greatest moment of your sports life if he hits it. The crowd is on their feet, the crowd is so loud you can't hear your own screams, the ball is snapped back to the place holder. The field goal kicker takes his first step to the ball, and just then, you get up and leave. It is the climax of the football season, and you just turn around and leave and watch the rest of the game on a television outside. Essentially, if you practice the pull out method, this is what you are doing and you are retarded.

As it turns out, there are these new thing made out of latex called "condoms." These things not only help to prevent pregnancy, but also STDs. However, condoms have little to no effect on the craving for pizza felt by most males immediately after sex. To see an example of how a condom works, go to your local video store and rent "The Naked Gun."

Another popular method, used to prevent pregnancy is the "punch her in the stomach" method. While this is a very effective means to prevent unwanted babies, it can often lead to legal problems. A wire clothes hanger is also a popular choice. Though it is quick and affordable, it can sometimes lead to several medical complications. Why end one financial headache just to start another?

Finally, we have the pill. This is called "Birth Control," because it controls births. By that, I mean that it prevents a birth, or a pregnancy for that matter, from ever happening. This pill must be taken everyday, so if you have a sexual partner that wants a child, you will need to slip the pill in to a piece of cheese or some other tasty food, and trick her in to eating it everyday. If you choose to do this and pretend that you want her to bear your child, she will become confused and upset. At this point, you can blame her and how she is not fulfilling her duty as a woman. You can hold this over her head for as long as you need. For an added bonus, play up the fact that no other man will want a woman who can not bear his child and refer to her as "damaged goods."

Each person will have to experiment to find what method works best for themselves. As long as you or your partner do not squirt out a kid, we all win. If you still choose to have a child, let me make a few points. The first being that your child will be ugly, all babies and children are ugly, no exceptions. You will begin to look at your child as a financial leech and begin to hate it. I already look at your child as a financial leech, since I pay for public education even though I have not pro-created. Finally, the child will ultimately ruin your relationship with your significant other or will create a relationship with someone you only wanted as a sexual partner. Either way you lose, so please don't reproduce.

Thank you, and God bless.