The Wacky World of Wally World
7-8-00 -The day this site was first started, a disturbing thing happened
that finally convinced me to start this web site. An elderly man was walking
through the Health & Beauty department of our Wally World, when he collapsed
or fainted, or whatever happened... whatever happened, it wasn't good and he was
not well. The elderly man had suffered two heart attacks before I had come to
discover and was now suffering from the same symptoms he had encountered just
previous to his other two heart attacks. A woman came up to me somewhat frantic,
apparently the wife or a friend, and told me to call an ambulance; I got a brief
description of what was going on and attempted to dial 911. Unfortunately, all 3
outside lines for the store were in use and I could not dial 911.
At this point
I saw a member of Management, Alfredo (Alfredo, Bob, and Boss are all temporary
managers while our regular management team works on setting up a Wally World
supercenter down the road) I asked Alfredo if anyone had dialed 911 yet and he
said that someone had. Knowing that my source of information, Alfredo, was not
the brightest bulb in the house, I tried to figure out who exactly had dialed
911. I asked around and nobody had dialed for an ambulance, despite a manager
telling me that they had. It would have been very bad if I had just assumed my
manager had known what the hell he was talking about.
Nevertheless, I dialed 911
using a pay phone since all of our in store Wally World lines were busy. I spoke
with the dispatcher who had many questions about the manís health and history,
and I had no answers. I was across the store and nobody near me was even
remotely aware of what was going on. Luckily, the all knowing Alfredo happened
to walk by and I gave him the phone. I'm pretty sure that the dispatcher
probably decided to do all his shopping at K-mart from now on after speaking
Anyway, I'm trying to find out if this elderly man is ok and if
there is anything I can do, when suddenly our temporary store manager Bob
appears. Bob asks that I count the number of associates working on that day. He
wanted to know how many associates worked during the day, during the night, all
departments....that is a lot of people. It seemed like an odd question,
especially since there was a man, possibly dying, a few feet away...however we
met his demands.
It turns out that he wanted the number of associates so that he
could go buy Dilly bars from Dairy Queen for the entire Wally World staff....
This is where common sense would kick in for most people, you weigh the most
important issue to deal with....dying man or dilly bars.... dying man or dilly
bars.... Bob, being the intelligent well trusted individual that he is chose
Meanwhile, Alfredo was standing over the dying man typing on our
telxon (a portable computer that is used to keeps inventory of our items and
other various things.) I guess he thought it was more important to see how much
shampoo we had in stock then to care for the dying man.
They claim that our
temporary managers were managers at other stores before being moved to a
temporary management position at our store, but I'm convinced that they were
assistant managers at a McDonalds and not a Wally World. Not that it really
matters, it takes about the same intellect to run an out of the box Wally World
as it does to handle the drive-thru.
Random Thought -I have recently
become convinced that Alfredo has a woman's vocal chords. He talks exactly like
a girl, and customers frequently ask "What is that girl paging talking about?"
Random Thought -I'm still getting over the whole Bob/Dillybar episode,
and we make non-stop jokes about Bob and his love for Dillybars. He will be
forever known as Bob "What's the dilly yo" Fatterson.
Random Thought -It
is becoming apparent to me that a couple of old ladies in the snack bar do not
like me very much.
Unknown Date - Today I finally got the opportunity to
ask Bob "What's the dilly yo?" He fired back with a blank stare.
Date - Only the talented work at Wally World. Today someone had the natural
talent to get on the paging system and play the popular song "Mary had a little
lamb" by pressing the keys on the telephone.
Random Thought -At this
point I am convinced that the temporary management sent from other stores to
close down our store are just management rejects from other Wally World stores.
Unknown Date - I believe it was January or February of 2000, when we
received our first bomb threat. In no way do I promote or advise anyone to call
in a bomb threat, it is a very serious offense and should not be done. However,
when we received one and I was working in layaway at the time, it was pretty
fun. I was on the clock and knew perfectly well that bomb threats happen all the
time and the chances of it being real were slim to none. So I just calmly walked
towards the front and watched the panicked customers try to figure out how they
were going to get their precious merchandise home if they could not checkout.
You would think that people would just evacuate....nope. They were more
concerned about getting checked out then leaving the store. Some of them even
continued to shop. I guess they thought there would be a "bomb threat blowout"
sale or something. People give me a hard time for my hatred of children, but at
least I don't continue to shop in a store during a bomb threat with them.
Random Thought -It is becoming apparent to me that a couple of old
ladies in the snack bar do not like me very much.
Unknown Date - The
department manager of the snack bar took it upon herself to inform me that I am
in violation of the dress code because I wear shirts with "weird bands" on them.
I guess I could wear a Garth Brooks shirt but not my Tool T-shirt?
Unknown Date - The hatred from the snack bar continues. They are making
me wear a ridiculous dirty hat when I go into the snack bar because I have long
hair, but they do not make any of the other CSM's wear it despite their long
Unknown Date - Another snack bar incident occurred. This time an
old lady made a big deal out of me bringing her $20 in quarters instead of $30
in quarters. It wasn't a big deal but she got bent out of shape and informed me
that she "has the intelligence to figure things out for herself." I question
this statement, and wonder how she reached that conclusion. If she was actually
intelligent, what is she doing at her age still working? Even more, in a Wally
World snack bar if she is so successful.
7-14-00 - The snack bar has
closed and will not reopen until the new supercenter opens. This makes me very
happy temporarily. For awhile, I was afraid of one of the old ladies turning me
into a newt.
Random Thought -It has recently come to my attention that
one of the cashiers I work with is the girl in American Pie, the one that always
says "This one time, at band camp..." It has to be the same girl. I can't
imagine two people on this earth being that annoying. When I originally posted
this, I just thought it was about some annoying cashier. Little did I know the
endless amount of stories she would provide me with to write. Even after
leaving, I still get updates on the crazy shit she does and mind numbing babble
that comes out of her mouth with an overbite. I have visited the store and don't
recognize any of the cashiers anymore, with her as the one exception. She will
certainly die a soldier of Wally World.
Unknown Date -Band camp girl
offered me a homemade Smurf magnet. I politely declined. It took me a while to
learn, but you can't be polite with Band Camp, she does not take hints. I
stopped being polite eventually and learned to be short with her, and completely
ignore her if possible. It's the only way to deal with her. I once thought that
I should fight fire with fire and just talk to her about things she would find
completely worthless. However, I decided against it, because I think she would
just be thrilled someone was talking to her.
7-16-00 -Only a couple days
of this Wally World left. Wally World couldn't close us down without sending us
a few more psychos. Today I got my first glimpse of "the thing." The name tag
says "Julie" but the face says "hey buddy, my name's bubba." I am 90% sure that
Julie was a transvestite and if she/he read this it would kick my ass.
7-19-00 -Our new Wally World supercenter has opened and we have a
visiting CSM from an area Wally World to help us out. This visiting CSM, who
looks strikingly similar to Doogie Howser, has confirmed my theory that all
visiting associates are other Wally World rejects. It was on this day that the
flood gates opened and welfare recipients and trailer owning meth users began to
frequent our store. It is bad at a regular Wally World, but once you throw in a
grocery store so that people can use food stamps and WIC, you are opening up a
whole new can of worms. I have no issues with WIC really, but a lot of their
customers are dumb as shit, and when you get people that are dumb as shit, they
are usually mean as shit too. Hey, it's not my fault if you can't figure out
what kind of free cheese you can have. Stop bitching about shit you get for
7-20-00 -Today I had a customer argue a price with me. A toilet
seat ringing up $14.88 was thought to be $7 by the customer. The hardware
associate did a price check and confirmed it was, in fact, $14.88. The customer
was not happy, so I did a price check myself only to find that the toilet seat
was $14.88. The irate customer then proceeded to call me a "son of a bitch" and
accused me of calling his wife a liar. After calling me more names and scaring
the hell out of a cashier, he started poking me and attempted to knock the item
out of my hand. Out of fear of being assaulted I left and let another associate
handle the matter. Our temp CSM came to the rescue and not only adjusted the
price down to $7, but took an additional $3 off for the inconvenience. So even
though the customer was wrong and had caused a scene, called me vulgar names,
and pushed me, he got the seat for $4. What would we do without the temp
associates? To date, the only time I had been touched in an aggressive manner by
7-22-00 - I saw a commercial for Wally World on television
today. I have to wonder where Wally World films their commercials. At our Wally
World the associates never smile like that, and the merchandise is never
perfectly setup like that. I have also never seen a customer point at price and
smile as if posing for a family portrait. Whatever pills they are handing out on
the set of the commercial, they need to have our greeters hand out at the door.
At our Wally World customers come up to us and ask us things like "Do you work
here?" I would consider it obvious when we are wearing a blue vest with a name
tag. Unknown Date -Today was the temp CSM's last day with us. I was very sad and
almost in tears. Thankfully, he left us a list of things that we could improve
on so that we can strive to be as perfect as he. I never saw Doogie again. Last
I heard, he was a salaried manager, but I don't know for sure. You know that
kind of person that speaks there first sentence to you ever, and you instantly
want to punch them no matter what it is that they have said? He is one of those
7-24-00 - Another customer complained to a co-worker of mine
that our photo lab department should not be in the back of the store, and should
instead be in the front. I'm glad she came and talked to us. Tomorrow I'm going
to get the forklift and pick up the photo lab department and move it next to the
entrance doors. At the old store, the photo lab was right next to the front
doors. People are lazy.
Random Thought - I'm beginning to wonder about
Wally World's decision to accept food stamps at our new supercenter. I'm not
sure I'm intellectually equipped to deal with this new breed of people. Maybe
Wally World is not really a business and is just some sort of sick sociology
experiment. I think when I wrote that, I had no idea how much of an impact it
really would have on the day to day events associated with being a CSM. All the
stereotypes about food stamps are true. People buy shrimp and steak, and all
kinds of shit I can't afford myself. I just have to find a way to get myself
fired so I can get some unemployment, boink a couple of different sluts so they
can pop out a couple of heathens, then just sit back and watch the government
swoop in to pay for my expensive meals.
7-25-00 - The band camp girl
continues to astonish me. After having a conversation with another female
associate about working a lot of hours, she joined in by saying "oh I know, my
husband just had his wisdom teeth removed." What this has to do with working a
lot of hours is yet to be determined. I'm still not sure what she thought we
Unknown Date -A customer has recently expressed his
concerns to me about our lack of a Nascar merchandise area. According to him,
this is a serious issue that we need to look in to.
7-25-00 - After
working without a day off for about 3 weeks, I'm trying to figure out how one
might be able to successfully run a retail business without customers.
Unknown Date - Some people must have been born without brain cells. A
customer had a fresh produce item that scanned at less money then what the
posted sign in the department read. Most people would think "oh, good deal!" Not
this woman, she demanded that the item be free since it rang up the wrong price,
and not only this, she demanded that I give her money back, even though we were
still ringing up her purchase and I had not received any money. She also
informed me that her sister-in-law worked for a Wally World and that this
practice was a company wide policy, but was a secret. I'm glad she told me,
nobody would have told me about the "give em their money back even though they
never actually gave you money" policy. I forgot to mention that I refuse to
believe a company that employs over one million people could keep a secret.
Especially the Wally World associates.
Random Thought -It's funny how
many customers believe they know more about the policies then I do. Whenever I
ask them where they hear about these outrageous ideas, I usually get the "my
aunt Betty worked for a Wally World for a few months." Well, there is probably
an excellent explanation as to why they only stayed with Wally World for a few
7-26-00 - A coworker of mine, also a CSM, was asked if we
carried patches for waterbeds. He replied "I'm not sure but we can walk back to
the domestics department and have a look." This sounds like a good way to handle
a situation. Obviously the customer felt otherwise and called the CSM a "fucking
retard" and walked away. I guess that it is his own fault for not knowing where
each of our thousands and thousands of items are in this brand new store that
opened only a week ago. Shortly before leaving the store, that same CSM was
threatened by a large man who appeared to be out of his head. I was working
electronics, and he was still a CSM, but I was at the registers working with
DVDs when he approached me. I don't remember exactly what he said, but he told
me that he was going to do something to the effect of chopping of his head with
an ax. We never did find out why he was so angry.
7-29-00 -I was almost
ran over by an old woman driving an electric cart today. I was walking down a
main aisle when I noticed the old woman operating the cart on the opposite side
of the aisle. She spotted me and turned 4 or 5 feet out of her way until she was
directly facing me and came right at me. Because of my quick reflexes I escaped
possible injury. There is a possibility that this was no accident and was an
attempted hit on my life, possibly from the evil snack bar ladies.
7-29-00 - The same CSM that was called a "fucking retard" only a few
days ago witnessed quite a scene today. A man was pretty upset that his check
had been declined and needed to go out to his car to get some other form of
payment. He insisted on taking the merchandise with him, so the CSM escorted him
to his car. After reaching his car the man began to physically beat the hell out
of his own vehicle by pounding on it with his fist. Apparently the vehicle was
responsible for the declined check. Maybe he has a car like the one in
Nightrider and it talks and spends money.
Unknown Date - Many months
ago, when I was a cashier, a woman was going through a girl's line who happened
to be next to my line. The woman and the female cashier struck up a conversation
and the woman explained that it was her son's birthday that day and asked the
cashier if she would like to see a picture. The cashier politely said "sure" and
the woman proceeded to pull out a picture of a boy lying dead in a coffin.
7-29-00 - Tonight was a very busy night, so I ran a register for a short
period of time. Until tonight, I was always bothered when someone at a grocery
store asked me if I wanted paper or plastic bags, but now I understand why. At
our Wally World Supercenter we only have plastic bags, I believe it's a decision
based on cost and the environment's well being. Anyway, a customer was not very
happy that we did not have paper bags. Here's our conversation as best as I can
remember. Customer: "No honey, I need paper" Cashier: "I'm sorry, we only have
plastic" Customer: [frustrated at this point] "I have to have paper, I'm not
dealing with this plastic crap" Cashier: "Well that is all that's available"
Customer: [sighs] Cashier: [thinking "what a bitch"] Customer: "Well, paper
holds so much better than that plastic junk, and paper...." [proceeds to talk
about how good paper is, and talks as if the cashier is responsible for the
plastic bags] Cashier: [beginning to hope that this customer is not raising
children] Due to several customers like this, the store manager eventually caved
and got paper bags. I had a theory, which I have since confirmed to be a fact.
If a customer asks for paper, they are a certified asshole. It never fails; they
will be rude and picky about everything. I'm sorry that the happiness in their
lives depends so much on the type of bag they get at the grocery store. It must
feel good to be so important.
7-30-00 - Rumor has it that one of the two
evil snack bar ladies has quit. This makes me very happy. The ratio of evil
snack bar women to me has become a little more even.
8-2-00 - Breaking
news concerning the evil snack bar ladies. Apparently one of them walked out in
the middle of her shift. She quit because, according to her, "the CSMs are
mean." Sadly enough, she came back anyway.
8-2-00 - After finding out
about one half of the evil snack bar army being resurrected, I learned that the
general of the snack bar's army (the department manager) was mean to another
CSM. Apparently leaning over the counter to reach the keyboard is disruptive to
the customers, despite the fact that there was a grand total of zero customers
in line at that time.
8-3-00 - The hate is spreading. The snack bar has
not only launched a full assault on me, but they are now launching attacks on a
few of the other CSMs. With more support on my side now, I feel we can bring
down Hitler - I mean the snack bar.
8-3-00 - I saw a pregnant woman with
three kids verbally abusing her children today at the front checkouts. Why do
people that can not appreciate their own kid(s) insist on having multiple
children? I am beginning to understand the Chinese government.
Today, I took the leader of the snack bar forces some change for their register
and I am pretty sure I heard a "thank you." Frankly, I'm stunned. At first I
thought the war may be over, but now I think it is just some new tactic for them
to increase their forces.
Random Thought -I'm debating with myself on
whether my job is torture or entertainment. Over time I realized that my torture
is entertainment to other people.
8-4-00 - Today was an uneventful
today. I just watched the people flow through the front checkouts; they are
suffering from a disease called "consumerism."
8-5-00 - Another
mysterious encounter with the snack bar today. Today I was working in the
layaway department and one of the snack bar ladies came through my line. While I
did not receive a thank you, I was not questioned about the content of my shirt,
or the length of my hair. Why can't it always be like this?
8-6-00 - A
customer left the store in a wheelchair, and despite two of our associates
sprinting out across the parking lot in pursuit, they got away.
After a customer had put some items in layaway, she returned to inform our
layaway clerk that the socks she had put into layaway had rang up two cents more
than what the sign said. They did a price check and assured the woman it rang up
the right price and she got very upset. If you walked halfway out of the store
and realized you could save two cents by walking to the back of the store again,
8-7-00 - Pretty uneventful day today. Although there was one
older man, upset about some things, did ask when the best time to blow up our
store would be.
8-11-00 - Today it was brought to my attention that band
camp girl actually comes into work two to three hours early sometimes to work on
a puzzle that resides in the break room for bored associates.
I was standing at our CSM podium today, where we store our money and other
things we need. The podium is located right in the middle of our women's wear
department in a main aisle. A customer came up and asked me if we sold clothes
at our store. I was standing two feet in front of women's clothes, and 40 feet
to either my left or right were more women's clothes. It's almost like she
walked onto a beach and asked me if we had a body of water. Some people think I
make crap like this up. Ask anyone who works in retail if they get asked similar
questions. Probably anyone who serves the general public can tell you all about
8-12-00 - A woman was putting some items in to layaway, some of the
items were folders. Some folders rang up at .27 cents and a couple others rang
up at .65 cents. The .27 cent folders all had corporation logos on them (Coke,
Nike, Disney...) and the ones that rang up .65 cents were "WWJD" (What Would
Jesus Do) folders. The customer was confused on how to tell what folders were
what prices so the clerk explained that only the folders with corporations on
them were .27 cents. The lady then proceeded to claim that Jesus was a
corporation. I'd like to invest in that stock because Jesus is pretty popular
among Americans Random Thought - Today the Jesus stock (Symbol: JES) was
crucified to 28 points, but was resurrected before the end of the day to a
promising 32 points.
8-13-00 - Today I cut my hair. Previously it had
been long, past my nose and black. Now it is about a 1/2 inch in length, and a
banana yellow. We'll see what kind of comments I get from associates and
8-14-00 - One of the mangers that we have acquired since
opening the supercenter is really getting to me. He is some sort of manger, but
nobody seems to know what he is a manager over or what specifically his job is.
All anyone has seen the man do is walk around and talk to associates, and
usually piss them off somehow. He talks down to the associates, and seems like a
character straight out of the movie Office Space(A movie I highly recommend.) He
also seems to use the words "all right" and "ok" more than any other human being
alive. He can make a whole sentence containing 6 words, and 5 of the words are
"ok" and "all right" yet somehow it makes sense. This guy is still with the
company. He's still worthless.
8-14-00 - Band camp girl can be seen
shopping everyday. Even on her days off she manages to buy cartloads of
merchandise. One day she bought a cartload of things, then came back in later
that night and purchased two cartloads of merchandise. The word "pathetic" comes
to mind. Oh, and sorry guys, she's taken. Believe it or not, she is actually
married. For awhile I thought she might be married to Corky from the show "life
goes on" but I saw her husband not long ago, and surprisingly enough it wasn't
him. Too bad though. Corky and her are really made for each other.
8-15-00 - While talking to "the wandering manager" I could actually see
my words just bouncing off of him.
8-16-00 - Today the power went out
for a few minutes. There was no need to panic however, the registers stayed
opened and running so that people could continue to consume like mindless
8-16-00 -Our manager that just wanders around annoyed me again
today. No matter what I may be doing when he approaches, he thinks that whatever
he has to say is top priority. So if I have an angry customer to deal with on a
register, and at the same time he needs to tell me about the cd he found that
was in the wrong place, I have to listen to him talk about the cd before dealing
with an upset customer. This behavior is similar to another manager I once knew
who had a love for dillybars.
8-16-00 - If band camp girl tells me about
having her nails done in the nail salon one more time I may have a violent
reaction. She is on a level of annoying that you can never get used to.
8-25-00 - Drama among associates is intensifying.
Despite asking nicely, I was denied the authorization to use excessive force on
moronic associates. I'm still bitter about this decision.
8-28-00 - Like
sands through the hourglass, so are the days at Wally World. Wally World is a
lot like high school with gossip, relationships, and constant turmoil.
Random Thought -A few months back at the old store, a customer came back
to the layaway department and wanted to get her layaway out and pay for it. She
was asked for picture identification. She reached into her purse to get it and
accidentally pulled out a joint that fell on the counter. She was embarrassed
and we taped some of the crumbs that were still there to the counter to remind
us that even Wally World shoppers use drugs. My image of Wally World shoppers
from that day on was shattered. The lady shared the same last name as the county
prosecutor. Not sure if they were related in any way. I'd like to think it was
his wife, but who knows.
9-2-00 - I guess there was a department meeting
today. It was for the "weirdo" department. While sitting in the break room with
some friends, I happened to notice that one table consisted of three or four of
the nuttiest, yet scary, Wally World associates. One was band camp girl who
continues to shop at Wally World everyday. Another was a guy who finds that it
is necessary to bring his walkman to work and show it off on his breaks. Not to
mention he just has that face that seems to jump out at you and say "LOOK! I'M A
CRAZY MAN!" Then there was the people greeter for our lawn and garden department
that has no clue what is going on. She constantly tells customers the wrong
information. I also suspect that she sniffs paint.
Random Thought -Our
stockmen suck. Stockmen: Also known as cart pushers.
9-1-00 - Can
someone tell me what the hell a cheese cloth is? I got a few e-mails from people
describing this to me. However, it's been too long and I do not remember now.
9-2-00 - Apparently, I am not the only one who has a hatred for our
wandering manager. Not only have I found other associates that can not tolerate
him, I have yet to find one that likes him. This is the manager that the
associates are supposed to go to when they have a problem or need some
assistance. You would think that kind of position would be held by someone more
likable. Maybe they intentionally did this so nobody would report problems and
the management team could pretend that everything was working perfectly.
9-2-00 - Today, I would like to predict my own termination from Wally
World. I predict it will be in the next 3 - 6 weeks. Well, so far I've been off
by at least 5 years on this prediction.
9-3-00 - Today I came to the
conclusion that instead of having a name tag that says "Customer Service
Manager," I might as well get one that says "Complain to me I really like it."
9-6-00 - While I'm sitting here waiting to go to work, I realized how
absolutely insane my job is. I have no idea whether I will deal with the
consequences of a bomb threat today, watch an angry associate go off on a
manager, encounter a customer who blames me for corporate policies, or watch an
angry customer get out of control. Maybe more than one of those events will take
place. There is no telling what lies ahead in today's adventure in the wacky
world of Wally World.
9-6-00 - Here's a situation. There are two
cashiers working right next to each other, cashier A has four people in line,
cashier B has zero. Why do people insist on getting in cashier A's line?
9-6-00 -Today I got some business advice from a couple of the customers.
One informed me that we need to keep an eye on Meijers if we want to compete in
retail, as if I personally own the Wally World corporation (which by the way is
rumored to be merging with the Jesus corporation.) Another customer informed me
that our Wally World is going to go out of business because there are too many
shopping carts in the parking lot, never mind the hundreds of thousands of
dollars in sales we do each week, the carts will be the downfall of Wally World.
Random Thought - The gene pool needs a lifeguard.
9-8-00 - Today
I had an encounter with a real psycho. While walking past some registers I saw a
man with two eyes, each eye looking in completely different directions, and
appeared to be looking in my direction despite the fact that his eyes were
pointed about everywhere. Not only did he look crazy, when he looked at me he
started laughing like "heyuck heyuck HEYUCK!" and he repeated this. My laughter
9-9-00 - While on the way to the electronics
department with another associate, we were stopped by two customers. These
customers apparently spoke English but it certainly did not sound like they did.
The first time they said something to us, I thought they were speaking Spanish,
the second time I did happen to pick up that he was mentioning something about a
paintball gun. After a few more attempts to make himself more clear, it appears
he was going to shoot a girl in the ghetto with his paintball gun.
9-9-00 - There is a new drink we have at Wally World that is called a
"chubby." Making a joke, I said I had given a lady with food stamps a "chubby."
Little did I know that this would be my downfall.
9-9-00 -My tolerance
for managers that do not know what they are talking about, yet tell us how to do
our job, is at zero. Crap from management with little signs of intelligence will
no longer be tolerated and may result in my eventual termination.
-A lovely aroma of sewage has been appearring once in awhile, but it is ok
because it is mostly in the grocery section and I do not work there. This may
have a direct impact on the number of grocery items we sell, which could result
in less customers. The smell could have a positive impact on my job.
Random Thought -I work for a corporate whore.
9-10-00 - I
usually look at Wally World with humor, but it is quickly changing to anger and
9-10-00 - If one more customer comes up to me and says,
"Working hard, or hardly working?" I am going to projectile vomit in their face.
9-11-00 - Anger and bitterness towards my job continues to grow out of
control. It's just a downward spiral that never ends.
9-12-00 - I have
the day off and it is currently about 9pm. I am scheduled to work tomorrow,
however taking my box knife and slicing a few lines in my throat and jamming a
lit cigar into it sounds a little more civilized then going to the window to our
world, the one that we call Wally World.
9-13-00 - mmm... heroin.
9-13-00 - I think Wally World turned the vacuum up one level, you know,
the one that sucks the souls out of the associates? Random Thought -I wonder
what happened to Bob "Whats the Dilly Yo" Fatterson. I bet he quit Wally World
for a management job with Dairy Queen.
9-13-00 - I think we should be
able to reserve the right to deny any customer that smells like raw sewage
service. I also think that we shouldn't have to help stupid people, but then I
would get pretty bored.
9-14-00 - Today is my day off, but I am going to
Wally World anyway so that I can pick up my check. The hours of torture and
humiliation finally pay off, somewhat at least. Back then I was making somewhere
in the neighborhood of $5.65 an hour. I have since doubled that and it still
9-16-00 - I think a jackass customer is soon going to feel
the effects of my severe psychosis.
9-17-00 - Today some unknown Wally
World associate ran up to me while I stood with some other associates, and she
started yelling and repeating herself, "Page out 'Y' to the bathroom, Page out
'Y' to the bathroom." We stared blankly at each other while this unknown
associate seemed very panicked. After repeating herself several times and even
using her hands to draw a "Y" in the air, I came to the realization that this
lady was a retard and what she meant was to call out a "code white" which means
that someone has been injured. The injury was in the women's rest room so I
could not see it for myself, so I sent in a female cashier to see what was going
on. She came back and said that the same lady that wanted us to page out for "Y"
was in there with the injured woman and ran up to her screaming "A CHAIR! A
CHAIR! A CHAIR!" like a skipping cd. Wally World only hires the finest and most
qualified people to work at their wonderful stores. I myself had paged for a
code white about four times, and other associates had paged out code white
several times also, this means management is supposed to immediately report to
the scene and handle the situation. This was not the case, management could not
be found. While me and other associates paged several times for a manager, an
elderly woman was injured and laying in her own urine. Where is Bob and Alfredo
to handle a code white when you need them?
9-22-00 Let the wonderful
Capitalismas season begin! Uhh, I mean Christmas.
9-23-00 - The
wandering manager could be heard on the phone saying "Well aint that a bitch."
This was followed by extensive apologies for using foul language. According to
one witness he even turned red he was so embarrassed that he used such language
in front of his little puppets, I mean associates.
9-23-00 - Introducing
the brand new ELTON JOHN doll available at your local Wally World store. This is
the official Elton John doll and comes with a microphone, great clothes, and it
even sings. Did I mention that one of the lyrics this doll sings is "It was the
biggest dick I ever got" and if you do not believe me, which many do not, please
go to your local Wally World, go to the toy department and listen for yourself.
The song is for Crocodile Rock, and the lyric is actually "kick" but certainly
doesn't sound like it. Maybe it was the quality of the audio coming out of the
doll, or some sort of prank, but it was definitely saying "dick."
9-24-00 - With the Christmas season underway, in the retail world
anyway, the layaway department is beginning to boom with business. Before my job
at Wally World, I never thought I'd have to worry about someone having an orgasm
in front of me because I said that Christmas layaways had begun.
- Today I realized that Band Camp Girl iss MIA. I have not spotted her working or
shopping at Wally World in over seven days. This is some kind of record. After
pondering the possible things that could have happened, I realized that it could
be many reasons. She could be on vacation, could have been terminated or quit.
However, I think the most logical explanation is that she overdosed on annoyance
and drove herself insane.
9-26-00 - After long exposure to whiteout I
got some kind of buzz from it. I wonder if Wally World will try to charge me for
that, I doubt they would let me get high for free.
9-26-00 - Maybe band
camp girl is at band camp.
9-27-00 - Much to my disappointment, Band
Camp Girl was sighted today on register #32, putting all rumors of her
employment status to rest. The party celebrating her disappearance has been
9-27-00 - A customer approached me today and asked me to point
her in the direction of a poshle. Confused as to what she was talking about, I
replied "a what?" and she again said "you know, a poshle." I was very confused
at this point and asked her what a poshle did and what the purpose of one was.
She told me that they were for kids to put together. I thought for a moment and
I asked "a puzzle?" and her reply was "yeah, a poshle, where are they?" I'm WAY
underpaid. This is not as bad as when people say "pitchers" but really mean
"pictures." Don't get me started on that. If you're one of those fucks, I hate
you. Band Camp says "pitchers." Chew on that for awhile hillbilly fucks.
9-28-00 - What night of work would be complete without seeing Band Camp
Girl working at the beginning of your shift and then shopping, with 2 cart loads
of merchandise, at the end of it. I'm pretty sure she is an impulsive shopper
and is pretty deep in debt. She's a credit company's wet dream.
- The Wandering Manager was on a terrorisstic rampage today. This is the most
annoying man you will ever encounter. He walks like a penguin, he laughs
extremely hard at his own terrible jokes, and he constantly states the obvious.
For Example, if someone dropped some food on the floor he would come by and say
"that needs cleaned up" as if we could not figure that out on our own.
9-30-00 - A customer came to layaway today and wanted to know if we had
a box she could put her lawn mower in. This would be a problem because her lawn
mower was assembled. "Sure, we have a box for that, would you like one for your
9-30-00 - The Wandering Manager continues to astonish us all
with his lack of knowledge. Despite his own opinion, this guy is the biggest
dipshit I have ever seen. While he thinks he is the Wally World savior, I think
he is the Wally World demon.
9-30-00 - That lovely aroma of raw sewage
has reappeared in the grocery department.
9-30-00 - Band camp girl
appeared again today and managed to wave her hand in my face and I almost
reacted. Had I reacted I would have been terminated. Nobody likes hands waved in
their face, especially Band Camps. I should great restraint that day.
9-30-00 - I could not leave work tonight without one more encounter with
the demon. After a long and busy night of busting my ass, some overnight CSMs
showed up at 10pm. I was scheduled until 11pm, and at 10:50pm I asked the other
CSMs if it was ok if I went home and they said it wasn't a problem because the
work was caught up and at this point I was not doing anything. So thinking my
night was over, I headed to the back and clocked out. On my way out Demon saw me
and started tapping his watch at me. I asked him "what?" and he said "what time
is it?" and I said "10 till 11." With a look of frustration he added "when are
you scheduled to leave?" and I said "11." So he gave me a whole lecture about
how I needed to be there until 11pm if that is what I was scheduled. I tried
explaining to him that all the work was done and everything, but his only
response was "Well who do you work for?" I eventually cut him off with a
"whatever" and walked away in the middle of his meaningless speech, and I'm sure
I'll hear about it later. It is kind of funny that earlier in the week we were
told to cut as many hours as possible, and now I am getting lectured for leaving
10 minutes early. I never did get in to any shit for that incident.
10-3-00 - Only one Demon sighting today and it involved a very bad look.
I bet he's the only demon that has ever walked like a penguin.
The highlight of the day was a rather psycho customer. A man came in and used
one of our electric carts and he was driving around the front registers on it
for awhile and finally he came up to me and frantically said "SIR! SIR!" and I
replied "Can I help you?" Still talking frantically, he asked "Do you remember
the lone ranger?" I'm only 19 and the show was a little before my time, but I do
know who the lone ranger is, so I said "yes, I remember the lone ranger." Then
he asked me "do you know what he did with his trash?" I was pretty puzzled at
this point, and I just said "what?" and he just repeated himself, still
frantically, "what did he do with his trash?" I thought for a second and finally
said "I have no idea" and he quickly starting bouncing in his electric cart and
singing "HE TOOK IT TO THE DUMP TO THE DUMP TO THE DU DU DUMP TO THE DUMP TO THE
DUMP TO THE DU DU DUMP" to the tune of the lone ranger theme song. I couldn't
help but laugh, and away he went.
10-3-00 - A few minutes after the lone
ranger incident, I witnessed the same man trying to run over our stockman with
his cart, it was very deliberate and the stockman barely escaped the wrath of a
speeding electric cart.
10-3-00 - The lone ranger guy is at it again.
This time he was driving past a shelf of bananas and grabbed one bunch of them,
and threw them on the ground. Then he backed his cart up, drove over the bananas
with his cart, picked the bananas back up and placed them neatly back on the
shelf. Meanwhile, I could be seen laughing hysterically.
10-3-00 - Just
when you thought it was safe. . . I was walking to our CSM podium and was
walking in front of a register and out of nowhere the lone ranger man and his
cart turned the corner and came after me. You may think I'm joking, sadly, I am
not. I just moved to the side but so did he and he tried to run me over, while
he laughed the entire time like a madman. Regardless of his persistence, I
10-3-00 - This just doesn't end. Lone Ranger man was
escorted to the Sporting Goods department by our stockman to look at knives, and
he mentioned to the stockman "The judge said I really can't be holding these
knives, because I'm a convicted felon." Then he said "it doesn't matter anyway,
I already have one" and this crazy man pulled out his own personal knife. I saw
the lone ranger man a couple more times soon after this day, but I have not seen
him in almost 5 years now.
10-3-00 - Maybe we should perform background
checks at the door. That probably wouldn't work though, because then most of our
associates, including management, would be turned away.
10-7-00 - Today
I was informed that some customer thought that I was cute or something. The
cashier that told me this claims the girl was cute. So using my own supreme
logic, I assumed that every girl that came in the rest of the night between the
ages of 16 and 19 wanted me.
10-9-00 - Today one of our cashiers brought
in a photo album. This was not just ANY photo album. Lets paint the picture of
this cashier first She is pretty dumb, pretty annoying, and last but definitely
not least, she is extremely unattractive. Ok, back to this photo album. This
photo album did not contain family pictures, or pictures of a vacation, it
contained pictures of this cashier giving birth. Although I did not see the
pictures for myself, for if I had I would probably be too traumatized to type,
the pictures were X-rated and definitely not Wally World appropriate. It was so
serious that a manager called her back to explain to her that it was not
appropriate material for the work place. Being the extremely intelligent person
she is, the cashier went into a frenzy and threw things and eventually got
herself fired. I just hope she took the pictures with her and that it was not
left in the break room or something for some poor unsuspecting sucker to find.
10-14-00 - I saw an old man wearing rainbow suspenders today. Sometimes
old confused people can be annoying AND funny at the same time.
- Do you know that warm fuzzy feeling youu get inside when you help someone and
it makes their entire day? I know I don't.
10-15-00 - Demon was on a
rampage today. Today he ran a cash register since it was very busy, and I can
honestly say it was like watching a dildo scan items, it was quite amusing.
10-15-00 - Ignoring all common sense and logic, Demon tried to make me
close down our courtesy desk and layaway department so the associates working in
those departments could run cash registers. I tried to talk some sense into him,
and he finally got tired of arguing. In one aspect I won because we kept the
courtesy desk and layaway departments open. On the other hand I lost, because my
manager is still a complete moron.
10-15-00 - I think we should rename
our store from Wally World to "Mullets 'R Us." I used to think mullets were
totally uncool, but now I just realize that they are hilarious. If you don't
know what a mullet is, head on over to Mullets Galore and you'll get the idea.
10-15-00 - Some Asian guy was head banging and there was no music and
nobody around him. I think he was on crack.
10-17-00 - Iím sad to say
that it appears we have another cashier that is similar to band camp girl. The
major difference is that this lady is pretty confused and talks a lot slower and
repeats herself constantly. I could run laps around the store before she gets
out a complete sentence. Yelling "Spit it out grandma!" seems to be the
appropriate thing to do, but she would probably just say "spit what out?"
10-18-00 - Once upon a time there was a customer. The customer purchased
only two items, a pack of condoms and a cucumber. Wait a minute. That really
10-19-00 - I have just realized that through some secret aging
process, that "The Wandering Manager", aka "Demon", is actually Doogie the
temporary CSM from a few months ago.
10-19-00 - There is a lot of drama
at Wally World. I'm sure I could write a book, movie script, or even a great
sitcom based on the events that I encounter everyday.
10-19-00 - Today I
realized that I had not seen the two evil snackbar ladies for several weeks. I
think that they may be regrouping for a second assault.
10-19-00 - Lots
of new associates are currently in the process of being hired for holiday help.
I'm sure I'll meet some fascinating new people.
10-23-00 - Help keep
America beautiful. Go kill yourself.
10-24-00 - Some people would buy
the hint that when they are the only ones to laugh at their own jokes, that they
are not funny and should stop trying to be funny. Not Demon, oh no, he laughs
his annoying little laugh at his dumb little jokes all day. Demon is like a
demented Mr. Rogers in a way, and it wouldn't surprise me if he talked to
10-24-00 - Today started my run of six straight days
working. Suicide seems to be an option that is becoming more and more promising
with some great benefits.
10-24-00 - I wonder if the lone ranger man
will be back soon, I need a good source of entertainment.
Some bitch made one of our competent and nice cashiers (yeah, we have a couple
of those, but they are few and far between) cry. This is only the second time I
have witnessed a customer making a cashier cry, see the 7-20-00 update.
10-24-00 -Friends don't let friends have mullets.
Today I was informed that some members of management know about my web site.
However, I would like to point out that I love ALL members of management,
excluding demon of course, and that I LOVE Wally World. I'd also like to say
that I was wrongfully accused of sabotaging the Wally World cheer. In the Wally
World cheer there is a part where everyone yells "WHO'S NUMBER ONE!" and
supposedly I yelled "Target" but you can't prove it, and I'll deny I ever did
10-24-00 - This doesn't have much to do with anything current, but I
have to talk about the Wally World cheer. Frankly, it is sick, ritualistic and
is strikingly similar to cult like activities. I was never a cheerleader and
never got excited about too many things, especially Wally World. Ok people, if
sales are up 15% why do you get all excited? You have been brainwashed, unless
you're getting some commission type check that I don't know about. While we were
setting up the new store the Wally World meetings involved the Wally World
cheer, stomping, yelling, clapping, and even dancing. The Wally World cheer will
probably have a direct result of me seeking therapy down the road.
10-25-00 - Wally World has started a new thing called "Wally World
Television." Basically, it is a brainwashing device. What they do is they hook
up a bunch of televisions that hang from the ceiling throughout the store and it
just broadcasts commercials. To the average customer it is just a regular
television with commercials. To me, it is a form of torture. I hear the same
thing over and over and over again. I am becoming extremely suicidal. You would
be too if you had to listen to Wally World commercials, Disney commercials, and
Barney songs all day long.
10-25-00 - Just when you thought it could not
get any worse, it does. If you have read the previous updates, you know that
Band Camp Girl has a husband, Mr. Band Camp. Mr. Band Camp came in for an
interview today. The man left a higher paying job at a hospital to pursue a
career at Wally World, which is sickening enough, but there is more. Rumor has
it, Band Camp Girl was going home and telling Mr. Band Camp about Wally World
all the time. This disturbs me greatly. I can not hardly stand to hear her say
two sentences, but this guy listens to it all day long, and now wants to work
with her all day long too. We live in an extremely sick society.
Date - I guess I forgot to include this back when I first started the site, but
it has been brought to my attention that I never posted it, so here goes. When
we still worked at the old Wally World store and we had a temporary management
team while our regular managers worked on our current store, I had a brief
encounter with Rob "what's the dilly yo?" . I had just closed down a cashier so
that she could go home and I turned around and there he stood, Rob himself. He
looked at me disapprovingly and I knew something wasn't good. For whatever
reason, I wasn't in too good of a mood that day and I had never cared much for
Rob. Rob stared at me and asked "Aren't there any registers open?" Thinking
"what a dumb question" because it was around 5 or 6pm and obviously we were open
I responded sarcastically and rudely, "No Rob, we closed ALL the registers" and
looked at him like he was a moron and then I turned and walked away. A short
time later, like 5 seconds, I realized I had just been a not so nice person to
our store manager, and that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.
10-25-00 - The Playstation 2 was to come out tonight at midnight. There
is a lot of excitement over this new $300 gaming console, and there is a very
limited supply of it. Our Wally World store received 48 PS2 units. By around
7pm, we had over 50 people lined up waiting to get a PS2 at midnight. A customer
came back to layaway, who had not been in line at all at this point, and
demanded that we put a Playstation 2 in layaway for her now because she had to
work in the morning and couldn't stay up that late. After taking a few seconds
to imagine beating this woman senseless with a stick, I explained to her that it
just was not fair to the people waiting in line. I just overlooked the fact that
she was better and more important than all of those other people in line.
10-26-00 - According to a customer, "VEGGIE TALES RULE!" Last time I
dealt with any vegetables, a guy had bought one cucumber and pack of condoms.
10-29-00 - Demon spends a whole lot of time at Wally World. We have
decided that he is just a robot programmed by Wally World and the only time he
leaves is when he needs to go charge up his battery.
10-29-00 - A little
kid doesn't like one or our female CSMs. The little boy stared at her and
repeatedly called her a "fucker." It's so refreshing to see little children
expand their vocabulary.
11-1-00 - Someone put a layaway in today with
two separate names on the account, the names were Ryder and Beaver. So, on our
computer it appears as the "Ryder/Beaver" account, I don't know how we will keep
from laughing when they come in to pick their stuff up.
11-1-00 - A
customer wanted help in sporting goods today and could not find an associate to
help him. So he found a phone on the sporting goods counter and hit the page
button. It's really funny to hear a guy page, especially when he really doesn't
know what he's doing.
11-1-00 - Despite a lot of begging, Demon still
works at Wally World. I have tried everything, I've asked other managers to fire
him, contemplated other extreme measures, but nothing will work. Maybe I should
call his house and claim to be K-Mart and offer him his own store out in
Colorado, then maybe he would quit.
11-4-00 - I am secretly awaiting the
return of the lone ranger man.
11-5-00 - Demon will now be known as
"Master Of The Obvious" because of his great talent to point out what is
completely obvious to any moron.
11-5-00 - There is something that is
hilarious about a guy that comes out of the mens bathroom with a big red bump on
his head and says to you "you might want to put up a wet floor sign in there."
11-6-00 - I'm sorry, but if you can not correctly spell the state you
live in, you should NOT be allowed to purchase a gun.
11-7-00 - Singing
is coming from the restrooms. I'm scared.
11-7-00 - Here's a tip, if you
value items you are putting into layaway, do not make requests as to how it is
packaged, remarks about damaging or losing it. Chances of these events occurring
greatly increase when you ask about them. My imaginary conversation: Customer:
"Are you going to scratch that? or lose it?" Me: "Yes, yes we are, so do not
even bother putting it in layaway, because only bad things are going to happen
to it!" Is this what they expect us to say?
11-11-00 - I haven't figured
it out yet, and this may sound mean, but I think today was "mutant day" at Wally
World. Every time I turned around there was some really messed up person. Some
had no legs, others had no arms, some had abnormal growths on their face.
11-12-00 - Not only are prices falling, so is merchandise. A George
Foreman Grill fell out of a layaway bin and hit a layaway associate on the head.
11-12-00 - Satan put a layaway in today.
11-12-00 - When band
camp girl thinks too hard her eyes roll back in her head. I think she's actually
trying to look at her brain for answers.
11-12-00 - The Master Of The
Obvious was at it again. Once again declaring that he was right and just the
mere thought of questioning his authority is out of the question.
11-13-00 - At it again, Captain Obvious thinks we should place packages
over where people sit. Not that it is a hazard or anything, since layaway
packages never fall out of the bins.
11-15-00 - A customer in layaway
was asked to fill out a form containing basic information such as a name, phone
number and address so that she could start a layaway. How many people does it
take to spell a name? The answer in this case is three. When she saw that she
had to write her name she asked her friends for assistance, who weren't exactly
sure, but thought it was "L, ummm... then I think E, no wait! It's I" and
eventually she correctly spelled "LISA." Not only did they have difficulty
spelling one girls name, and I'm not sure the last name was spelled correctly,
they put there area code down as their zip code, and their phone number only had
six digits. They'll probably be back tomorrow to buy a gun or something. These
people are great examples of why abortion should stay legal.
Today I saw a mullet touched by god himself. It was a magnificent sight.
11-26-00 - Captain Obvious put in a layaway today. I was under the
impression that Wally World managers made hundreds of thousands of dollars and
did not need layaway.
11-26-00 - Captain Obvious informed me today that
women can not be trusted and that is why you should have a lot of them. A little
puzzled by his statement, I asked him if he had a wife and he responded "yes,
but I do not trust her and she does not trust me, and she shouldn't trust me."
*cough*bullshit*cough* This guy couldn't pick up a hooker with a suitcase full
of money and a bottle of Viagra. Isn't Wally World supposed to be a family
oriented store anyway?
11-27-00 - The lone ranger man made a stop in to
Wally World today. I did not speak to him, but I did see him in the parking lot
riding around in his wheelchair that has a big orange flag on it, he must think
he is in some kind of race or something.
11-28-00 - Today we all got to
go unload some live Christmas trees. Of course, it was total chaos. They were
delivered in a flatbed truck, and the only thing holding them on the truck were
a few two by fours. So, we climbed up on the truck, which was like five feet
high, then probably an additional six feet to get on top of all the trees. Then
we chucked them over the side and hoped everyone got out of the way. The truck
driver was a total retard, he may have been related to band camp girl now that I
think about it. He pretty much just stood around and watched and his ass just
got fatter. I almost hit him with a tree, but I missed by only inches. I'll get
him next time.
11-28-00 - I never thought I'd see a human and a tree in
a boxing match. The human won, I think it had something to do with the tree not
being able to fight back. Getting the trees off the truck was a painful process,
and we literally could have been seriously hurt because we were pretty high off
the ground with nothing to stop us from falling off the stack of trees. So after
we finally pulled down the last tree, our manager (I'll call him GQ) grabbed a
hold of the tree and beat the living hell out of it. Then GQ let obscenities
pour out of his mouth like he was a WWF Wrestler talking trash about another
wrestler. The tree was like that slab of meat in the rocky movie. The only thing
we were missing was Eye Of The Tiger playing in the background.
- Look people, Wally World is not the onlly store in this area. If you think
Target has a better policy or price on something, then go there. Don't come to
Wally World and tell me "Well Target lets me do this!" Well then go to fucking
Target. Do these people smoke crack or something?
11-30-00 - Someone
please make the screaming children go away, or die or something.
11-30-00 - Layaway is like a big jungle gym for adults, its kind of cool
when you think about it. At Christmas time the layaway items people put in flood
the back hallways, and are stacked to the ceiling. It gets a bit hazardous and
you must perform some wacky stunts to get your work accomplished.
11-30-00 - I was going to put something here about one our interns, but
I won't give them the satisfaction.
11-30-00 - Pushing carts in the
parking lot is a dangerous job when old ladies that can't see over the steering
wheel are driving thirty foot vehicles. Thank god they drive slow so I have time
to get out of the way, because they never look. However, if one did manage to
get me it would be extremely painful because it would take five minutes to drive
all the way over me.
12-2-00 - Some crack cocaine off the street - $10
One street whore - $25 The look on demon's face when you call someone a
crackwhore - Priceless. I was talking about an ex-girlfriend and he walked up at
the right moment.
12-3-00 - It has been brought to my attention that
Band Camp girl often talks about her own personal sex life. This is wrong. Very
Wrong. What can be done? The thought of her reproducing is sickening, and it is
a thought that I just can not deal with. Maybe we can slip some birth control in
her food just to be safe.
12-8-00 - The Master of the Obvious warned me
a few times today to stop climbing the bins. Then I caught him spying on me in
the bins. I think next time I see him doing it, I'll pretend not to see him and
act like a schizophrenic and yell at myself, and smack myself in the face and
pretend to cry, that should keep him away for awhile.
12-9-00 - I don't
want anything for Christmas this year. Just knowing that I'm helping all these
wonderful people at Wally World is enough for me.
12-9-00 - Apparently,
according to a customer, I need to get my shit together, because they were
buying a newspaper and were charged 5% sales tax. It came out to be eight cents,
and instead of paying $1.58, they just stormed out swearing. I work at Wally
World and eight cents is not that big of a deal. They must dance naked for
nickels or something.
12-9-00 - Thank god for the cookie intern, without
her I would starve. She brings me free crackers and cookies that give me the
nutrition I need to deal with white trash customers. Every store should have a
12-10-00 - Today was one of the greatest days of my life.
While standing at the CSM podium looking at the schedule, I looked up and there
he was. Him and three colleagues, walking in my direction, I was so stunned that
I did not even say anything to him. A few seconds later, he was gone, but I knew
he was still in the store. So I eagerly awaited his return to the front of the
store. Seconds went by, then minutes, then several minutes, I thought I had
missed my once in a lifetime opportunity. Then I saw him. He was walking in my
direction and I got nervous, but I knew I had to say it. Finally he got close
enough and I looked at him, he looked at me, and the words just came out of my
mouth, "What's the Dilly Rob?" I actually did it. I got to say "What's the
Dilly" to Rob "what's the dilly yo" once again. My joy could not be contained.
12-11-00 - A layaway customer needed a shopping cart today and we did
not have any in the back to give him. So, he left to "go jack another guyís
cart." I wish I could have seen it. Maybe they should make a game called Grand
Theft Cart. No? Sorry, I'll stop now.
12-13-00 - Milton, while speaking
very loudly on the layaway pay phone packed full of associates and customers,
let it be known that he had a "case of the runs." Milton was a short little
gnome looking guy with red hair like a clown. He stuttered a bit and was quite a
weird little man. One of the worst cart pushing associates ever, he eventually
got fired or quit or something.
12-13-00 - According to crazy
telecommunications man, you should drive faster when there is snow on the
ground. His reasoning is that the friction creates more heat and thus making it
a safer drive. He told us about all the cars he passed while speeding down the
road, when normal people feared to even be on the roads.
12-14-00 - My
boss was working with us in layaway today and for some unknown reason decided to
start dancing. She will now be forever known as the "butt dance boss."
12-14-00 - The resurrection of the Anti-Christ lady! You can read about
this lady on the 8-12-00 update. Well she came back. She came in and requested a
manager to speak with concerning the exact same incident that was posted on this
site, which happened over four months ago. I don't think she is a good
Christian, I thought Jesus© taught forgiveness. She was complaining about one of
the associate's who was involved in the incident.
12-15-00 - I was
sexually harassed by an older lady with a kid. After helping her out with her
merchandise and loading it into her van for her, she slapped me on the butt and
said "thanks baby." Currently, the only time a customer has ever smacked me on
the ass that I can recall.
12-15-00 - Someone came to pickup their
layaway, and we loaded there stuff into the back of a truck for them. We just
had to maneuver the merchandise around the dead animals that were in the back.
12-16-00 - Yet another layaway pickup experience. Today two customers,
I'll call them Bo and Luke, came to pick up their layaway with a truck, and when
Bo was asked to move a metal block in the back of the truck by Luke, Bo replied
that he couldn't reach it. Luke proceeded to call Bo a "Son of a Bitch" and a
"Lazy Motherfucker." The hostile words continued to fly as we walked back into
12-16-00 - The bell ringers for the Salvation Army are
getting more and more creative. Those bastards will do anything for a penny or
two. One kid used a trumpet instead of a bell and played Christmas music, and an
older couple sang Christmas carols. However, the older lady was yelling at the
older guy about being out of key. 'Tis the season.
12-17-00 - Nothing
too exciting happened today. We screwed up some layaways, helped America feed
their addiction to consume, and even saw a few mullets. All in all, not a bad
12-18-00 - A girl that appeared to be around the age of four was
touching herself in inappropriate places, and in an inappropriate way, over and
Random Thought - With my hostility running at an all time
high, I am not sure I can keep my words on this site under control and I may
have to start hurting feelings. Maybe that will make me feel better.
12-19-00 - "Sheeeitt, if weez just turns that sunsabitch like dis, dat
motherfucker 'll sit in der." - Customer now attempts to put large item into
small space and fails. - Customer now lights cigarette. "SSSheeit" - Customer
examines situation and attempts to brainstorm. - "Sheeit man, I tellya what, if
I move that fuckin seat and and move that shit over, we might jus be able to jam
that damn motherfucker right in der." - After causing additional damage to an
already beat up vehicle, the customer stands proud and asks "Hey man, you guys
got any rope?"
12-20-00 - Today a customer wearing a NASCAR coat and a
nice mullet yelled at me. He was mad about some issues concerning food stamps
(yes it is true, sometimes people with mullets are poor, I know it is hard to
believe.) He yelled at me and said swear words and lowered my self-esteem.
Hopefully he died in a fiery automobile accident on the slippery drive home. I
won't let one bad apple spoil everything though, I think citizens with mullets
are generally good people.
12-21-00 - Wally World is not funny or
amusing anymore. I'm hostile, and I am very bitter. My job sucks. I am the Wally
World bitch and it is no fun, I am used, abused, and underpaid. In a single day
I can, and have, run layaway by myself, cashiered, been a CSM, pushed carts, and
worked on the floor, and I get nothing more than a regular associate who does
less work. Wally World is an evil corporation that is headed by Satan himself.
By combining precise marketing with white trash, ignorance, arrogance, and
complete lack of intelligence, Wally World has become one of the largest and
most powerful companies in the world. My tolerance for associates is even
running extremely low, some of the associates freak out and act like nuclear war
is imminent or something. I do not know how much longer I can remain employed
here. I now know the answer to that, and it is sad.
12-21-00 -I keep
waiting for Band Camp Girl's eyes to get stuck when she's rolls them into the
back of her head to think. That would be really cool, because then she couldn't
see and if she would not shutup about something I could just hit her and blame
it on someone else.
Random Thought - This really is not worth it. I am
just going to stop caring and if they want me to do something that I do not want
to do, I just will not do it. If they want they can fire me or do whatever it is
that they need to do. Most of management sucks, except for the cookie intern of
course and the intern I refuse to mention on this page, GQ is a pretty cool guy,
and even the store manager is a pretty good guy. Ok, I guess most of them are
pretty fair, but some of them just suck ass through a straw.
Thought - I wonder what this world would be like without mullets. Would it still
function? Would we want to live in a world without mullets? What if the mullet
is extinct in a few years? These are the questions I ask myself everyday.
12-21-00 - Some of the associates really should look into investing in a
toothbrush. Although, I think they may be aware of their breath problem and it
may be intentional. Some of the people that have bad breath seem to actually
have the ability to target certain people and have a pretty long range. It is
like a perfectly ok tactic to use to keep away associates and customers. I may
have to look into this. Maybe that is what I need to do, but I would need some
serious practice to get that kind of aim and such a long range.
- Watch out for falling children. Why? Beecause watching children injure
themselves is pretty funny.
12-28-00 - One of our female managers is
either addicted to smack, or has a brain the size of a pea.
Quite possibly my best experience at Wally World, ever, has happened. There was
a pool table that had been returned; apparently it tilted a little too much in
one direction. So it had to be destroyed. Usually when things need to be
disposed of, we throw them in the trash compactor, but a pool table is quite
large. This is where it gets fun. Our job was to make it smaller, using
excessive force. So with our hammers, sledge hammers, crowbars, and unreleased
anger, we beat the living hell out of a pool table. Some associates pretended
that the table was Demon. We also had the pleasure of destroying a chair. Next
time I'm hoping we get to destroy a customer, which is the only thing that could
top destroying a pool table.
1-1-01 - Headaches, Hangovers, and
Customers, oh my.
1-1-01 - Ok, god dammit. Lets get this straight, for
all the customers that think they're cute and funny, they're not. When something
will not scan or ring up, if you say "...must be free then! ha ha " it is NOT, I
repeat, it is NOT funny. We hear it thirteen billion times a day. Also, you are
NOT the only person in the universe that is having a hard time writing the 01 on
your check instead of 00 for the New Year. I don't want to hear about your day
to day struggle with writing 01 instead of 00 on your check, for the love of god
1-2-01 - Well the holidays are officially over. People can
stop pretending to care about their families and buying gifts for friends, and
get back to the reality that they do not care about anyone but themselves.
1-2-01 - It's return city at Wally World. People are bringing back all
the worthless crap that people bought for them. We're letting people return just
about anything too. If you bring in pocket lint, we'll probably give you a $10
gift card, unless you have the receipt with you, you can get cash back.
1-8-01 - I saw a guy today wearing a big cowboy hat and a red bandana
around his neck. I waited for him to tell me to take ten paces north, turn, and
draw, but it never happened. I think if I had talked to him though he would have
said "ya'll." I also have to wonder if there was a badass mullet under his
badass cowboy hat.
1-8-01 - I'm nominating myself to be the next Wally
1-8-01 - I had to cashier for a few minutes today because
it got kind of busy. So I got on a random register without paying too much
attention, which was my first mistake. After a few customers, there was no line,
so I redlined (redlining is walking out to the end of your aisle to wait for
more customers.) Then it happened, out of nowhere. While waiting at the end of
my aisle patiently for more customers, it came up from behind for a surprise
attack. Then it happened before I knew what was going on, kind of like a car
crash. "Uhh, Hi Scott!" I turned around and there it was and there was nowhere
for me to run or hide. I had to stand there and take it. So there I stood, me
and Band Camp Girl. What she said is kind of a mystery because it was so stupid
and pointless that after a few seconds the thoughts of homicide overcome your
mind. I prayed for customers so that I could go back to my register, but there
were none. I stood there and was tortured by the high pitched voice of Band Camp
Girl, and of course there were the random acts of her eyes rolling back in her
head when she had to think too hard. This went on for minutes. There is no God.
1-10-01 - I was overjoyed to see a recipe card that the "Kinky Cashier"
found on how to prepare a mullet in thirty minutes. However, it was just a
recipe on how to prepare fish mullets, not hair mullets. I wonder if our state
has a state fish, because I'm going to write my state governor and request that
it be the mullet.
1-10-01 - Lately, as I watch the customers stroll by,
I imagine myself hitting them from behind with a heavy object in the head. It is
the only thing that gets me through the day. Well, mullet watching helps too.
1-10-01 - SPEEDWALKING MIDGETS! It just does not get any better than
1-11-01 - Donít buy food at Wally World. Some little kid, probably
like three or four years old, was walking down the grocery aisle and had his
hand down his pants and appeared to be playing with himself. It looked like he
was having a good time.
1-11-01 - This is an actual transcript of a
brief phone conversation that took place today. Intercom: "CSM pick up the call
on line one" Scott: "This is Scott the CSM, how can I help you?" Caller: "Hi,
1-12-01 - I few months ago, some bad ass from Texas came to
Wally World and was made a CSM. He is The Enforcer. Do not cross him, and do not
mess with him because anything and everything to him is a weapon. Violent words
of anger constantly stream from his mouth, such as, "What if I stabbed you with
this pen right in the throat?"
1-12-01 - The Enforcer made some poor
associate do pushups for no reason. A crowd formed to see the event.
1-12-01 - The Enforcer deliberately made Band Camp Girl talk to me.
While on her way to break, he asked Band Camp Girl to "Tell him about that one
customer you had!" So, of course, Band Camp Girl started babbling about some
customer to me with the eyes rolling back into her head and everything, while
The Enforcer laughed at his triumphant little prank.
1-13-01 - A
customer with groceries went up to a register that had the light off, no cashier
around it, and set his food on the belt and waited. These are the same people
that teach children, perform surgeries, run governments, and watch NASCAR.
1-13-01 - Wally World has forced me to reconsider my lack of faith in
Communism. We have to make it work so we can get rid of companies like Wally
World that thrive on Capitalism. Long lines and starving children can't be that
bad, I'd pay that price if we could do away with Wally World.
Today, the associate who answers the phones, also called "The Gimp" by The
Enforcer, was seen walking across the aisle and nearly ran into the Miss
Productivity CSM. It appeared to most people to be just a near accident and no
big deal, but I guess gimps see things differently. After Miss Productivity
continued on her way and we had all started doing other things, we heard a large
gasp for air type sound. Apparently, the gimp thought the situation was so funny
that she could barely breathe. We all stared blankly at each other. Rumor has it
that some associates will be taking her out to get drunk soon. That would be a
1-18-01 - Wally World rumors are never ending, but now they are
worse. Not only are there rumors concerning me, a person known as "the outside
threat" is making things up for his own amusement. He doesn't even work at Wally
World. For the love of god, where will it all end?
1-20-01 - Some crazy
man came in today, and it is believed that he is closely related to the Lone
Ranger Man. He told one CSM that his house had burned down, but God couldn't
have done it, because God is good. He also claims to have seen evil spirits in
the fire. He also asked what kind of glue he should use to glue two lovebirds
together. Upon returning, he struck up another conversation and proceeded to
tell me that he was half Indian and half French, and that he was cupid and was
going to shoot another CSM with his arrows. He also claims that his grandpa
started the first "Tree Company" in 1877, whatever that is. I asked him where
this was, and his reply was "out in the country." I don't know much about Tree
companies, but I would assume the city isn't a good place for them. According to
him, his grandpa also built Fort Yessirree.
1-21-01 - Today was a
struggle with myself to see if I could actually go the whole day without doing
any real work. Much to my amazement, I did. I'm asking for a raise.
1-23-01 - The crazy relative of the Lone Ranger Man, mentioned in the
1-20-01 update, Bandana Man, came in again today. He purchased several different
items at several different times. He seems to enjoy talking to the female
cashiers and repeating his story about his house being burned down. One of the
people greeters informed me that he knows the man and he did some time in the
state penn for chasing his wife with a shotgun or something. He also had a
conversation with the Kinky Cashier and got advice on how he could cut his own
hair in the style that he wanted. He described the style he wanted to her, and
as it turns out, the style he wants is a mullet.
1-25-01 - Today a man
did a somewhat disturbing thing. A man, who was believed to be sporting a mullet
but was wearing a NASCAR hat, was walking down the main aisle of the store and
grabbed himself. This does not sound like a big deal, but it was. You see, he
did not just grab himself like he had a bad case of jock itch or something; he
grabbed himself like he was the king of pop, Michael Jackson. It was almost like
he thought someone would take his picture while he did it, so he made sure to
grab himself in style. I waited for him to do the moonwalk in his cowboy boots,
but sadly, that did not happen.
1-25-01 - A man tripped over his own
feet today and nearly fell to the ground. I laughed.
1-25-01 - Today was
the Kinky Cashier's last day at our Wally World store. The void that left in our
lives will be filled with alcohol.
1-25-01 - I thought Demon was my most
hated manager, but that may all change. You see, Demon is just dumb, which makes
him very hard to like. However, there is another manager who is somewhat
intelligent, but can best be described as a "fucking bitch." She is kind of like
Hitler or Stalin on a smaller scale. They were both semi intelligent, but messed
up in the head or something, and were two of the most evil and cruel people
history has ever seen. This behavior is very similar to the manager who will be
forever known as "The Fucking Bitch."
1-25-01 - I am NOT responsible for
making any cashiers cry. If they cry, it is because they are pathetic and weak.
I can not be held accountable for any emotional damage I may have caused simply
by asking that an associate make sure they only take a fifteen minute break, or
telling someone that their break is not for another twenty minutes. If I wanted
to make someone cry, I would probably just call them a fucking bitch or
1-27-01 - After a long stressful weekend at work, I went home
and tried to kill myself by mixing up a lethal dose of Gardettos, gummi savers,
and Dr. Pepper. However, I failed and only gave myself bad stomach pains.
1-27-01 - With all of the real managers away at a meeting in Kansas,
Demon is the acting store manager. May god have mercy on our souls.
1-27-01 - Snooks the cashier shut the light on his register off and
walked away when he saw that Demon was coming his way with a shopping cart full
of merchandise and was ready to checkout. Despite his attempt, Demon still
checked out through his line.
1-28-01 - Humans were meant to be free,
not caged like a cashier.
1-28-01 - People with only one tooth shouldn't
1-29-01 - Pretty soon the American flag is going to be replaced
by a flag with a picture of Sam Walton on it.
2-3-01 - Not a lot of
interesting stuff going on lately. I just show up for work and continue my
transformation into a mindless retail zombie.
2-5-01 - As the conveyer
belt turns, so do the days of our Wally World lives.
2-7-01 - There are
rumors that there was a sighting of the legendary Midget Meximullet in the area.
2-9-01 - Sometimes, for no reason, I just want to walk up to a customer
and smash their face with a big jar of pickles. Then, if they have a child, pick
up one of the pickles and ask the kid if he wants a pickle.
2-9-01 - I
consider myself to be a people person.
2-10-01 - My job as a Customer
Service Manager may be coming to an end.
2-14-01 - My bitterness is
2-15-01 - We have a new cashier. I call him "Stupid." All I
can say is that Band Camp Girl's husband better be cautious, because the new
cashier and Band Camp Girl are a match made in hell. All cashiers must go
through Computer Based Learning on computers, which usually takes a few days to
do. Not Stupid, he's been at it for three weeks, and still can't buy a clue. Not
to mention he tells offensive jokes to the customers and sings while he scans
2-18-01 - I HAVE EXORCISED THE DEMON! The Wandering Manager is no
longer working at our store, and I am personally taking credit for this miracle.
While he is gone for now, his presence will be forever felt. When I walk through
the empty silent bins in the back of the store, I still hear the annoying words
of "ok, ok, alright, ok" coming from behind me.
2-22-01 - Stupid asked
for a raise. He said that since he is a college graduate he should be paid more.
I have no idea how he even graduated high school.
3-1-01 - A deaf couple
decided to argue with me over a price. They claimed that a bag of potatoes were
marked as being 2 for $5. However, they were coming up as $1.77. Well, their
math skills must not have been too good, because they were upset that they
didn't ring up as 2 for $5. I finally had to write out a paragraph on a piece of
paper to explain to them I was trying to save them money. It must suck to be
deaf AND dumb.
3-2-01 - Someone argued a price with me and I stood my
ground and argued with him. So, predictably, he requested a member of
management. Management stood behind me and told him no. So he called the
corporate offices, who also stood behind my decision. It gave me a warm fuzzy
feeling inside to piss off a customer.
3-3-01 - Bandana man was in again
today trying to return merchandise and he purposely sprayed a can of pop
everywhere. It resulted in him being escorted out of the store.
Our security caught a guy shoplifting a few items and apprehended him. When they
got him into the security office he pulled a knife and said he was going to kill
them. What's funny is that the only guy who got cut was the guy with the knife.
The knife was taken away from him and he was arrested and will be charged.
4-28-01 - Some people have been asking why I haven't been updating my
site. The reason is that I am a no good bum that is too lazy to take a few
minutes a week to sit down at his computer and type some crap up.
4-30-01 - Me and two other associates were returning from lunch to go
back to work. We pulled up behind a beat up, red, pick-up truck. In the back
window of the truck were three bumper stickers. Two of them were for Dale
Earndhardt, and the other one said "Ditch the bitch, lets go truckin." Of
course, we followed the truck for about a mile, and wouldn't you know it... They
were going to Wally World too. Who ever said that Wally World was a white trash
5-2-01 - This was one of my most eventful days at Wally World
that I have had in quite a while. (notice the lack of updates?) To kick things
off, someone walked in to our store, walked up to a register, pulled out a key,
opened the drawer, grabbed most of the money and walked off with thousands of
dollars. So everyone was kind of stunned by that incident all day. I'm not
worried about it though, I'm sure the person that took it only wanted it so they
could donate it to Jerry's Kids so they could see their name on tv or something.
5-2-01 - Within minutes of the money being stolen, someone paged that
there was a code white in the HBA department. Now the last time a code white
occurred in HBA, was when Rob had his little Dilly Bar episode, and Alfred was
apparently trying to revive the man by shooting him with a telxon. Anyway, what
happened was some girl collapsed and was having a seizure. The seizure went on
for quite a while it seemed like. I stood at our podium and just stared as she
did this for a few minutes. I asked if an ambulance was called and received the
answer "I don't know." Assuming the same thing couldn't happen to me twice, I
assumed someone had in fact called them, after all we were working with our
regular managers now and not the temp managers like last time. Our management
team is intelligent and can handle any situation. I never did see any paramedics
or an ambulance.
5-2-01 - While the girl was having a seizure, a guy at
the courtesy desk was about to have a stroke. He was pretty upset that we would
not exchange his bike, since he did not have a receipt. We did however offer to
repair the bike, but it evidently did not satisfy him. The man began screaming
obscenities and was thrown out of the store by an assistant manager who kept his
cool throughout the ordeal; however I wish he had punched the man in the face.
He didn't seem like a very nice man. Something tells me he was a Dale Earndhardt
7-25-01 - Our people greeters suck. All they have to do is stop the
people that set off our alarm, greet the customers, and put a sticker on
merchandise that comes in to the store. Yet somehow, they screw it all up. They
don't mark the merchandise coming in, they let the alarm go off without stopping
the customers, and when they do stop them they do not have them step away from
the alarm system, so the merchandise keeps setting it off repeatedly. On top of
all of this, they complain about what time their breaks are. Why in the hell
would someone need a break from sitting on a stool all day?
Why do people need to ask me where the grocery section is. Our grocery section
is the size of any regular grocery store, that is a lot of space. How hard can
it be to find a section of the store that is that big, plus in plain view from
the area that I work. I'm pretty sure some of them walk past the produce
department on the way in to ask me that god damn question.
After declining a lady's check for the second day in a row, she got upset. She
turned to me and called me a "trip." She called me that repeatedly too, like I
didn't hear her the first three or four times she said it. I should have asked
for a definition, I'm not sure what she meant. Maybe by "trip," she meant I was
like a vacation, and everybody likes vacations. I guess it was a compliment
8-6-01 - An Asian couple, who's "English not so good" asked
for some help in our floral department with balloons. It was their kids birthday
and they kept repeating that they wanted it to be "very special." So I prepared
the balloons for them and thought I was done. However, they wanted one more
balloon, but not just ANY balloon, oh no. They wanted one of the balloons that
belonged to the store, a balloon that is used to advertise our products. This
was a green balloon that said "New Item!" on it. I asked them why they wanted
it, and they replied "to make birthday very special!" I wish my parents had
cared enough about me as a kid to get balloons like that. I should have thrown
in a "Clearance" balloon at no extra charge.
8-8-01 - On my way to
answer a blinking light, a customer I was walking by starting saying loudly
"She's telling on me, that's what she's doing, she's telling on me!" I went to
the cashier in need of help and asked what they needed. They directed me to the
customer. So I asked the customer what I could help them with, and they informed
me they wanted to speak with the store director. Confused as to what was going
on, I asked if we had done anything wrong and they said no, and that it was
another customer. So I called the store manager to the register. Apparently,
what had taken place was some sort of screaming match. One lady had spanked her
child and a customer in another cashier's line turned around to see what was
happening, and the mother doing the spanking started yelling at the other lady.
She threatened to "kick her ass" and wait outside for her in the parking lot. So
our store manager escorted her to her vehicle to ensure her safety, and that was
the end of it. Or at least it should have been. The lady that was threatened
went home and called the police to complain about our store manager. She claimed
that he did not seem "concerned enough." I'll bet they hauled him off to jail
and charged him with "not caring."
8-9-01 - I was covering layaway for a
short while today. Everyday of my life that I work at Wally World I think I have
dealt with the dumbest person ever. Only I find a dumber person the next day.
Today it happened again. A customer grabbed the wrong size of curtain to put in
layaway and got unusually upset. I suggested that she go get the right size and
I would wait for her. That suggestion only managed to confuse her. She went on
and on about how she wouldn't be able to put the layaway in now, because she got
the wrong size. She must have been on drugs or something.
8-9-01 - After
what seemed to be an assault of retarded customers and maintaining complete
patience the entire time, I lost control on an inanimate object. Yes, instead of
yelling at a customer I threw a clock against the ground. That poor clock.
8-10-01 - Today a mentally handicapped man came in with his friend. His
friend was apparently a woman who was like a babysitter and watched out for him
because he isn't right in the head. He wanted to purchase film and was quite
excited. However he didn't have enough money to buy it, and got very upset and
depressed. When it was time to go he caused somewhat of a scene. He sat down at
a bench by our courtesy desk and refused to leave. He looked suicidal. It was
sad, yet funny. They tried to talk sense to him, but that is a hard thing to do
to a mentally handicapped man. Security, associates, and managers all tried to
reason with him. Two hours later I noticed he was no longer sitting there and
assumed the situation had been resolved. I clocked out and left to go home, only
to see him sitting on the curb just outside the Wally World entrance holding on
to a pole, refusing to go anywhere. I don't know how they eventually got him to
leave, I'm assuming they used a tow truck, because he was a pretty hefty guy.
8-15-01 - An Arabic man approached me and two fellow associates and
seemed to be searching for something. He did not speak English, but would
randomly say English words incoherently and would repeat random English words he
heard us say. Almost everything that came out of his mouth was complete
gibberish. However, with the use of hand signals and my slight knowledge of the
gibberish language, I managed to figure out he needed some kind of handbag. This
wasn't good enough though, he apparently wanted a specific size or type, but I
could not make out what exactly he needed. After some more meaningless hand
signals and even more gibberish the man got frustrated and started screaming in
what sounded like something used by an African tribe. He did manage to spit out
a few words of English at the very end though; they included "GO NOW! GO NOW!"
So I went.
8-21-01 - On my way to help resolve a situation in the
automotive department, a customer stopped me. She wanted to know where the
plungers were at. I politely told her that I knew and began to walk her to the
item, at that point a man approached me and asked "excuse me, where are the
plungers?" At first I thought maybe they were a couple, but it turns out they
were just two random people. So I told the guy, sure that is exactly what this
customer is looking for. When I got to the plungers the shelf was empty.
However, there was one up on an overstock shelf, but just one. So I had one
plunger and two customers. I did not know what to do. There was a weird moment
of silence and both customers just sort of looked at me and then each other. I
wanted to intervene and say "Whoever's toilet is clogged up with the most shit
can buy this plunger!" Then I snapped back to reality and just stared at the
customers some more. Finally, the guy said "Can I take a look at that?" and once
the man had it in his hands the woman knew she had been beaten, accepted defeat,
and walked away quietly.
8-22-01 - Now I've worked a lot of hours this
week, and put up with a lot, but a guy can only deal with so much. Anyone that
has worked with me or read this website knows that Demon was a big giant retard,
but the new assistant manager could be his cousin or some sort of close
relative. Although Demon has a couple of hundred pounds on the new guy that I'll
call Hitler, they have a very similar mindset. Hitler has taken it upon himself
to drive me insane. Tonight we had a somewhat busy night, but nothing we could
not normally handle ourselves. For some reason he felt the need to deal with it
and not let us do our job. While we had some lines on our registers and somewhat
lengthy waits, he told us we could not send any of our cashiers to their
scheduled breaks or lunches. Now this sounds like a good idea, but fails when
put into practice. The reason behind this is that because when you hold off on
all of your breaks it hurts you later. Like if you had three cashiers that
needed to go to break around 8:30pm and you hold them because of lines, when
9:00pm rolls around you have associates scheduled for break at 9:00pm too, so
you have to send all of your 8pm and 9pm breaks out at once to catch up on the
schedule, that's bad, and the lines come back because all of your associates are
on break. I tried to explain this to Hitler but he would have no part of it. So
I did what I was told, since he is a manager I had to. Later on around 9pm, the
lines went down, and I had to send around five or six people to break at the
same time. Just after I sent them all, Hitler showed up in time for all the
lines to come back. He wanted to know why there weren't more people on register.
I explained to him that his brilliant plan of holding off on breaks had
backfired and that they were all on break. He then informed me that it was my
fault because I shouldn't send more than one cashier to break at a time. For
one, that is impossible because we have a lot of cashiers. Second, it makes it
even more difficult when he wonít let me send out the breaks when they're
scheduled. The end result, is that we had long lines and waits for around three
hours, usually we have them taken care of in less than one hour on a bad night.
The moral of this story is not to be a dumbass.
8-23-01 - I haven't
reported on Band Camp Girl in awhile. This doesn't mean she isn't around. She
definitely is, and still annoying as ever. She recently cut her hair pretty
short. Yikes, just when you think something couldn't possibly get any uglier.
Somehow I actually find her haircut annoying. Everything that girl does is
annoying, and coworkers will agree with me. Today she worked, and came back in
later in the evening to shop with her glorious husband. She said hi when she
walked past one time, walked past another time and said hi. Then a third time
while she was standing in line, she actually flagged me down to say hi. She did
the eye thing each time too. It is almost enough to make a person snap.
8-24-01 - Some guy wanted to buy two trash cans, but take 4 lids. I
explained to him that you can only get the lid if you buy the trash can. His
response was "but what if I lose one?" I tried to explain to him that if I gave
him extra lids, then there wouldn't be enough lids on stock to go with all the
trash cans we had to sell, but he just didn't get it.
8-25-01 - Some guy
came in to the store wanting to know if we had security. Another CSM told him he
did not know if they were there at the time or not, and asked him why he needed
them. The guy then began insulting the cashier and the CSM. He claimed someone
tried to rob him in the parking lot using a gun, but everyone was pretty much in
agreement that he was just nuts. This could have been my one chance in life to
page out a code brown, which is the code for shootings, but I didn't take it.
10-21-01 - Nobody is above our Wally World management. Nobody. Not even
God himself. The self-proclaimed "Master Of The Universe" came in to Wally World
today and wanted our associates to page out over the intercom that he created
all of the merchandise in the building and it was all his and it was free for
everyone. The defiant courtesy desk associates told him no and angered the
master of the universe. Management was called to handle the situation and get
God's temper under control. However by the time management arrived he had
10-21-01 - The Master of the Universe came back several hours
later. He tried to do a lot of things, he loaded his cart up with a lot of
merchandise and tried to leave and once again claimed that he created all of it
and blabbed something about a wormhole and the universe. He also went back to
electronics and smoked a cigarette. One of the associates told him he couldn't
smoke in the building and he yelled at her and said that he had been on this
earth generations before her and couldn't tell him what to do and told her to
call the police because he wanted some action, he then started to try giving cds
and other merchandise to passing shoppers, and was telling them it was all free
because he created it. Management was once again called, the man wandered up to
the front of the store near our produce and deli department. One of our store
Co-Managers confronted the man and he ran away, but a random customer was in his
way, so the Master of the Universe pushed him into a display, and then grabbed a
gallon of apple cider and threw it on the ground, and it broke and went
everywhere. Management caught up with him, and God pushed our Co-Manager GQ
(remember the one that beats up innocent Christmas trees?) up against the deli
counter. By this time a crowd had gathered and everyone waited for a fight to
break out. Had the man struck our manager, our manager probably would have
knocked him out, and we also had our biggest male associates just a few feet
away waiting to jump in if they needed to. However, the police arrived and
arrested God. I believe he is being charged with battery, he is also suspected
of creating the Great Flood and killing several thousand people and having his
own son murdered, if convicted he could face the death penalty.
- There's something in the water in this town. Tons of associates at our Wally
World are pregnant, probably more then 10 girls. The situation isn't critical
yet though. I still haven't heard the words "uhhh - hey, uhh, Scott, guess what!
I'm uhh PREGNANT!" from band camp girl. I'd probably go home and shoot myself if
2-19-02 - People are complaining about the new Sports
Illustrated Swim Suit Edition magazines posted throughout the store. Apparently
they believe they're not for children's eyes. I guess they don't care about the
Cosmo magazine, and other magazines like it, that tell girls how to give better
oral sex and be better in bed. I think if I was in second grade I'd be more
interested in the Cosmo then the sports illustrated. If I wanted pictures I'd
just go look under an adultís bed.
2-22-02 - Apparently band camp girl
thinks we are interested in her cleaning her blinds in her bathtub with a
bathing suit on. I'll keep that information in my head and use it as a scary
5-12-02 - I think there may be a ghost in the back of
the Wally World store. You see, every time I work in the layaway department I
have to put things away in the bins in the back. Well, the shoe department has
bins right across from the layaway department's bins. So I often see the
associates who work in shoes. Not only do I see them, I also hear them. When I
say them, I mean at least 3 different associates. Now the back of the store in
the bins isn't a high traffic area, and I don't talk to the shoes associates,
and as far as I can tell there is nobody else around other then me and one
shoe's associate. So I can't figure out who they're talking to when they talk,
and it's not just one shoe associate that does it, it's all of them. So either
Wally World has some sort of program setup to employee people from the
psychiatric ward in the shoe department, or there is some Wally World ghost they
are talking to. I plan to further investigate this situation.
Today I had to people greet at one of our entrances for a few minutes, because
the people greeters are old and have to pee a lot. While I was standing there,
an old man came up and asked me how to work a pop machine. A little amused that
he didn't know how, because it was a standard pop machine, I politely showed him
how to use it. Still a little confused, he looked at it for several seconds and
finally got the nerve to put in his money. He had some issues, however, but he
managed to figure out for himself that when the light is on next to a particular
drink, it means they are sold out of that kind. I was so proud of that old man
and his willingness to learn new technologies.
5-15-02 - Today, while
working in the layaway department, a customer came back and inquired about her
bike she had put in the night before. Her concern was that her bike was a men's
and not a woman's. So I looked up her account and found the location of the
bike, and went to the back to see which it was. It turns out she had put in the
correct bike, and it was indeed a woman's bike. I went back to the layaway
department and told her it was ok, and that it was a woman's. She then asked to
see it. I guess she assumed I was a liar. So, I walked all the way back to the
bike rack. The bike rack is like a big long pole on the ceiling with hooks on it
that the bikes hang from, and is lowered down to the ground by a mechanical
pulley system, nevertheless it is a real pain to put bikes away and get them
out. Anyway, I got the bike down for her and took it out for her to see. I then
asked her if it looked ok, and she said yes. So I proceeded to take the bike
back to the bike rack, and went through the annoying process of hanging the bike
back up. When I returned to the layaway department the customer was still
standing there. I asked her if there was anything else I could help her with.
She had decided that she wanted to pay for the entire layaway and take the bike
home. At this point, I numbed myself to the mental pain I was feeling in my
head, and the physical pain I was going through from grinding my teeth together
in anger, went to the bike rack, and got the stupid bike down. I really should
win some kind of award for my acting. Despite all of my hostilities towards the
woman, I still thanked her and told her to have a nice day. She's probably
thinking "What a nice young man." Meanwhile, I'm thinking "What a bitch!"
5-15-02 - It turns out that one of the shoes associates doesn't talk
when she is back in the shoe bins. However, she is hispanic and I'm not sure she
speaks English very well. So maybe she doesn't understand what the ghost is
saying, so she doesn't speak back to it. I'll further my investigation.
5-16-02 - When working in the layaway department, we have to take a lot
of customer information. This information consists of their name, address, and
telephone number. One of the things I have noticed recently is that a lot of the
layaway customers live on the same street. The street is Woods Edge Court. Now I
have no idea where this is located in my town, but being that the layaway
department is the welfare office of Wally World, I can only bet that this street
has some real class.
6-2-02 - ALERT! ALERT! Attentions all persons who
want to help better humanity, we have a problem. I was asked today if Band Camp
Girl was pregnant. May god have mercy on all of our souls and this earth? I will
definitely keep everyone posted on this developing story.
6-4-02 - Well,
it appears Band Camp has met her match. There is a new, equally annoying,
cashier in town. There are some differences, however. The new girl, "The
Laughing Beast," is quite a bit bigger than Band Camp Girl, and she also,
despite her size, likes to jump around a lot. She also talks constantly just
like Band Camp. She doesn't come in shopping all of the time like Band Camp, but
her annoyingness is more potent and obnoxious. She has just started at Wally
World, so I hope she doesn't last too long.
6-5-02 - The Bird Man had
quite an interesting comment today. I call him The Bird Man because he whistles
like a bird for little kids when they come through. It's a weird little whistle,
and he does it ALL the time. Most of the parents are annoyed, and most of the
kids seem quite uninterested, but he thinks all of the kids love him for it.
Anyway, someone came in to the store wearing a shirt that said "I love crack" or
something like that. The Bird Man saw the shirt and can be quoted as saying "I
did that once and it just gave me a headache." We really do hire only the best
at Wally World. Oh yeah, did I mention he told our regional vice president (a
big corporate head guy that makes all of management freak out when he comes
around) that he "sweats when he farts."
6-7-02 - We can all rest a
little easier at night now. I was told by a fellow associate that Band Camp Girl
and her husband are not having a child; this is because they can not, apparently
due to some medical reason. So the world is safe... for now.
Bird Man asked to be allowed to catch a bird with his bare hands that was flying
around the store. I told him he couldn't for health reasons, but there will
always be that part of me that wishes I had said yes just because I'm sure a
great story would have came out of it.
6-9-02 - The Bird Man returned
from his lunch very upset. I asked him if everything was ok, and he said he was
really pissed off. He told me that someone had cut him off while driving and he
came within inches of hitting a building. He later went on to comment that the
other driver was probably "some gook from overseas without a license."
6-10-02 - I heard that the tampon machine in the women's restroom is
broken. Maybe I'm sick in the head, but I find that amusing for some reason.
6-10-02 - Band Camp Girl came up to the podium this afternoon balling.
She was upset because her keys were missing. From what she told us, she thought
she had them out when she went to lunch and actually threw them away with her
trash when she was finished eating. She was trying to get permission to search
through the trash compactor in the back. That is a LOT of trash and unbearable
stink to search through. She came back a little while later with her husband. As
it turns out, her husband had brought her to work and she had forgotten that
little detail. The husband showed up to find his wife upset because she couldn't
find the keys that he had. Band Camp Girl did not have the keys to her car, or
even the car at any point. So Band Camp Girl didn't lose her keys, she just had
a stupid moment, she gets those a lot. There are two sad things about this
story. The first one being that I wish they had let her search through the trash
compactor before she found out her husband had the keys. The second sad thing is
that we are all going to hear this story about a hundred times a day for the
next several weeks.
6-10-02 - Band Camp Girl's husband has not changed
his shorts in over three days. Over the last few days, different people have all
spotted him wearing the same pair of shorts. What is sad is that the shorts are
so ugly, they're blue with little crazy designs on them, and are WAY too short
for him. These aren't the shorts, but resemble them somewhat, just to give you
an idea as to what we are dealing with.
6-12-02 - Here is a fun fact for
you. The Bird Man apparently has a hole in his head. Not so shocking, and hard
to believe. He had a car accident; he said he had it back in "I reckon it was
86." I walked up to our podium and people were poking him in the forehead where
there was no skull, it was quite a weird thing to walk up on. So this helps
explain why he is the way he is. I'm sure he has holes inside of his head from
the crack he smoked too.
6-12-02 - Band Camp Girl hasn't mentioned the
key incident since the day that it all went down. It was probably too traumatic
for her, maybe once all of her crazy brain cells calm down and stop bouncing
around in her head she'll begin to talk about it. But for now, she just talks
about her cell phone and all of the accessories. She has several different
covers for her cell phone, which one she uses depends on what outfit she is
wearing that day. I think I'm going to play a joke on a coworker of mine and
tell her that he is thinking about getting a cell phone and to go tell him about
hers. Oh yes, this could be a lot of fun.
6-13-02 - I'm retarded.
Seriously. For the first time, I noticed that when someone is paging over the
intercom that if I can't hear it, I have a habit of looking at the speaker. As
if for some reason I will be able to hear it better if I can hear it. I think I
do it quite often. I'm sure people point and laugh and say "Ha ha! That guy is a
6-14-02 - Band Camp Girl made a joke today, a dumb one. It was
just me and her standing there, and instead of laughing at her dumb joke. I just
stared at her without even cracking a smile. Not just a stare, it was like a "I
don't give a shit what you have to say" stare. I wouldn't laugh at her joke, so
she just laughed harder to make up for me not laughing.
Someone dropped a $20 bill today. The cashier called me over and described the
lady to me that she thought had dropped it. So I ran out in to the parking lot
and found the customer. I told her that we found the $20 on the ground and the
cashier said it was hers. The customer said it wasn't hers because she had
absolutely no cash on her. So now I'm standing outside with nobody around or
watching, and $20 in my hand. There was a dilemma brewing in my mind. I could do
one of two things, I could either put the $20 in my pocket and nobody would know
about it (not to mention I'm extremely poor and starving). Or my other option
was to turn it over to Wally World. So I weighed my options, keep it for my
starving self, or give it to a multibillion dollar company. Like a fool, I
turned it in to our accounting office.
Random Thought - GOD DAMMIT
PEOPLE! LEAVE ME ALONE!
6-15-02 - The laughing beast, aka The Big Green
Machine because of her head to toe neon green outfit she wears, was a problem
today. I had to talk to her about the Wally World dress code. I'm not very picky
about what people wear to work, but I have to draw the line. Her shirt was
extremely low cut and her bra was showing. Just imagine a six foot, three
hundred pound green bean bag wearing this thing. I asked her not to wear it
again and to button up her vest for the day, I didn't ask her for me or the
other associates, I did it for the kids.
6-15-02 - I had to clear
something up with The Bird Man. Someone was asking me about the hole in his
skull, and why if there was a hole, his brain didn't ooze out of it. So to find
the answer, I went straight to the source. I asked him about it, and instead of
telling me right away, he grabbed me finger and made me poke the hole in his
head that is covered by skin, but believe me, there is definitely a hole there.
I asked the question again about the brain oozing, and got an "I don't know." So
other than freaking me out, nothing was accomplished.
Random Thought -
In the last couple of days I have seen a couple families that I would like to
see them hire for the Wally World commercials. One guy told his kid to "Shut the
hell up, and sit there right." It didn't appear the kid was doing anything
wrong. The other family doesn't express their feelings with words, oh no, his
dad just pushed his kid down in the main aisle. I just stare at these things and
envision a television around them and the Wally World smiley face bouncing
around like I am watching a Wally World commercial and laugh to myself.
6-17-02 - The Bird Man asked another CSM to bring him a bag of bird seed
from the pets department. For a customer? We may never know.
Someone called our store and asked to have "Mike Hunt" paged. This is one of the
oldest tricks in the book, of course when you say "Mike Hunt" out loud it sounds
like "My Cunt." Whoever answered the phone for that call fell for it, and while
walking to a register a page for "my cunt" could be heard.
6-19-02 - A
customer needed help out with a swing set for their children. So me and a
stockman took the swing set, that probably weighed a couple hundred pounds, out
to her car for her. We saw that she was driving a van, which is good.... but
then we saw that she had about 5 kids with her and a friend, which is bad. So we
tried to load the swing set in to the van around the kids, but we failed, there
just wasn't enough room. Then the lady asked us to put it on top of the van. So
I immediately said that the swing set is extremely heavy and asked if she had
some kind of weight limit for the luggage rack on the top of the van. She said
"no." Maybe her family van was just a disguise, and it was actually built by the
military and could handle sever tons of weight on the top of her van, I don't
know. Anyway, it wasn't my van so I didn't care if it got ruined, so the next
thing we discussed was tying it down to the top of the van. I asked if she had
bungee cord, or rope or anything. Her reply was that she had just planned on
using her set of jumper cables to tie the 200+ pound swing set to the top of the
van. For the safety of others on the road, we talked her out of it, but a part
of me wanted to let her try it to see what would happen. She did, however, still
put the swing set on top of the van, but we talked her in to buying some rope
from our hardware department to tie it down. I'll laugh when she comes back and
I see a big dip on the roof of her van.
Unknown Date - Something that
happened a few months ago in our Vision Center was quite interesting. There was
a problem with the plumbing, and some sort of pipe that runs near the vision
center broke. It contained raw sewage. Well it flooded in to the room in the
Vision Center that their associates need to use to do some testing, before they
see the doctor. Good old Wally World.... They didn't close the Vision center
though. So people that wanted to get their eyes checked, had to get some of
their testing done in a room containing raw sewage. The manager that was asked
to help get the plumbing people did not even want to tell the plumbing people it
was an emergency so they would respond as soon as possible, probably because the
multibillion dollar company would have to pay a few extra bucks. I guess he just
wanted to let raw sewage continue to back up in to a doctor's office and sit and
stink. No big deal I guess.
6-19-02 - It has been some time since Band
Camp Girl's husband has been spotted. There are a few possible reasons for this.
He may have finally realized how crazy his wife is and is now embarrassed to
come and shop with her. The most likely reason, however, is that something
happened to that crazy pair of shorts that he owns, and he doesn't know how to
present himself in public without them.
6-22-02 - There are rumors of
the big green machine having a romantic relationship with one of the stockmen. I
don't consider a rumor though, I think of it as a nightmare.
Being the loser that I am, I went in to Wally World shopping on my day off.
Wouldn't you know it, I ran in to Band Camp Girl while there. She was nice
enough to stop me, against my will, and show me the pictures she took of
rainbows. Who knew you could take so many pictures of a single rainbow.
6-22-02 - Shortly after I had my encounter with Band Camp, I noticed her
husband that had been missing in action was with her. I can safely put all
speculation and rumors to rest, Band Camp's husband was wearing blue jean
shorts, not the previously mentioned wild blue shorts, that are about six inches
too short for him. So he does, in fact, own more than one pair of shorts. It
took me a minute to recognize him without the wild, not long enough, blue
6-25-02 - A cashier paged for a stockman to go to register ten
for a carry out. Since I was not very busy, I decided to do it. I went to
register ten and asked the customer standing there "Do you need some help out?"
She replied "Yeah, my ass has been acting up for three days and I'm trying to
recover." A simple "yes" would have sufficed.
6-26-02 - The Bird Man
claims to be worth between two and three million dollars on paper. He says that
his father, who passed away at some point, owned the biggest steel manufacturing
company in the world. The Bird Man says he used to work in the steel mill and
had to retire from it because of injuries, I'm sure his jersey is retired and
hung up in one of the factories. He told me that when his father died he
inherited one third of the shares of the company, which is worth two to three
million dollars. Why he works at Wally World and has two to three million
dollars is anyone's guess. Maybe he just loves our wonderful world of Wally
World and the love that it brings to us.
7-2-02 - I helped a lady out to
her car with some bird seed. As I loaded it in to the back of her SUV she
tripped over a curb and fell down. The lady was very nice and appreciated my
help. Yet I still can not help but laugh when I run the whole scene through my
head again. This only confirms my lack of compassion for society as a whole.
7-4-02 - Just a thought, but you probably should not ask someone who is
working on a holiday if they are having a good holiday. Chances are that if it
is a holiday, and you're working, you're probably not too happy about it and
don't care to talk about it with a customer who is leaving to go be with friends
and family. Meanwhile, the highlight of your day is getting off of a cash
register so you can pick up trash.
7-8-02 - Many of the readers of my
journal here laugh at my mishaps and run ins with crazy customers. You may also
laugh at this one, but for the love of god, please feel my pain. My pain is your
laughter, so please know what I go through to bring you this story. Today I was
working in the layaway department and two ladies came in with a baby. Most
people put in clothes, toys, and things of that nature in layaway. These two
ladies only wanted to put in three rattles, only about $3.00 a piece. Fearing
the answer I may receive, I did not inquire in to the situation about why they
were only putting three fairly inexpensive rattles in to layaway. Well, you know
how there are people that tell you stuff that you just do not care to know and
they go on and on about it? These two ladies were those people and I heard the
whole damn story behind them putting in those rattles. Since I had to hear that
stupid story, so do you. It turns out that dink dink, the nickname for their
baby... at least I hope it's a nickname, had this specific rattle for quite some
time and loved that rattle. Well dink dink lost the rattle and was quite upset.
Actually, dink dink was crying most of the time while he was in layaway, but I
would have cried to if that was my mom. The lady looked everywhere for the
rattle, "even under the swing set." I guess she assumed that I knew the swing
set was some sort of key area where a rattle could be lost. She looked in the
house, in dink dink's crib. And I'll be damned if she didn't even go back out to
the swing set at night to check again. Still not quite understanding the
significance of this swing set, I just smiled and nodded, as I usually do in
this sort of moment. Well, she went everywhere looking for a new rattle that was
the same. She gave me a list of stores she tried, but the part of my brain that
retains useless information didn't retain that list of stores because it was
still trying to figure out the significance of the swing set. All of the stores
she tried did not carry the rattle. Then she tried good old Wally World.
Wouldn't you know it, we had the same rattle that dink dink lost. So to play it
safe she put three rattles in to layaway so she would not encounter this life or
death dilemma again. She then went on and on about some other stuff while dink
dink continued to cry, I also failed to retain that information, at this point
my mind was reaching its snapping point. Finally the conversation came to end,
or so I thought, and she took dink dink over to the bench to breast feed him,
apparently that is why he was crying. I was so relieved that she was finally
leaving me alone because I could not handle any more of this crazy lady. That
was not the end, oh no. Oh cruel fate, why do you mock me? Of course, guess who
showed up in layaway right as dink dink and his mom sat down. Band Camp Girl
decided to pay me a visit. It was the ultimate one two combination against my
patience and tolerance for dumb people. It turns out that Band Camp Girl had
just purchased a dell computer and was experiencing some difficulties. Some
friend that thought it would be funny, or an enemy that will surely die if I
find out who they are, referred them to me since I am pretty good with
computers. I heard all about her computer problems and she asked for my
assistance with them, fearing that she would return in the future with more
questions, I played dumb. Her husband began to tell me about how Band Camp Girl
had called the Dell technical support guy at least ten times, I'm pretty sure he
wasn't exaggerating. I hope to god that she got a different technical support
representative each time she called, because no human could handle more then two
or three technical conversations with her on the phone, and live to tell about
it. Just when you think it could not get any worse, it does. Dink Dink's mom
decided she wasn't done talking, and all of the sudden Dink Dink's mom and Band
Camp Girl were both trying to talk to me at the same time. Everything from that
point on is pretty much blackness, or some sort of haze. My mind was overloaded
with useless information, and I went brain dead. Many of my brain cells were
either killed or committed suicide in that seemingly endless period of time.
7-10-02 - What's funny about a Chinese guy talking on a hands free
cellular phone speaking in Chinese? I'm not sure, but god dammit, it sure is
7-25-02 - Some guy came in to layaway wearing a tank top.
There was something seriously wrong with the guy. He had some sort of crater on
his head, but it was about half an inch deep, and perfectly round. I believe he
may have had it surgically put there to be some sort of cup holder. He also had
a mole on his back that was no ordinary mole. It was a mole that was shaped like
a hook and came to a point at the end of it, it came close to an inch off of his
back and was really nasty. I also believe he probably had that surgically
installed so that he could hang his jacket there when he wasn't wearing it.
7-28-02 - I fear that I may have been sucked in to a movie. I think that
movie is called Office Space. Back to school season is in and I was working in
layaway. There was a pallet stacked full of boxes that contained notebooks
behind layaway. Someone thought that it would be a good idea to have me cut open
the tops of all the boxes between customers or whenever I had time. So I told
the manager that asked me to do it that if business died down a little bit and I
got time, I would take care of it. Then another manager called me on the phone
and began to explain to me that there was a pallet of boxes that needed to be
cut open behind layaway and asked that I take care of them. Since I already told
one manager I could do it, I also explained to her that I would take care of it
when I got some time away from layaway. A few minutes after that, another
manager was passing through layaway and informed me that the notebooks needed
restocked, but before they could do it, someone had to cut open the tops of the
boxes. Humoring myself, I asked what he was talking about and had him explain
what he was talking about so I could hear it for a third time, just in case I
missed any details the first two times I had it explained to me. Less than
thirty minutes later, another different manager on her way to a meeting made it
a point to swing by layaway and tell me that she would really appreciate it if I
could cut open some boxes that were stacked on a pallet behind layaway. I was
tempted to ask her for another copy of that memo (if you haven't seen the movie
Office Space, please do). So when it was all said and done, I had four different
managers ask me to do the same task within about a 45 minute time frame. There
are two ways to look at this situation. The first, and most obvious, is that our
management team is lacking some serious communication skills and I could find
this situation extremely annoying. But I prefer the other perspective. Since I
had time, I did the task that four different managers asked me to do. So by
doing one single task, I satisfied four different managers. Usually satisfying
four managers would take doing four different things. But today was my lucky
day; I got four happy managers for the price of one. Now is my opportunity to
ask for a raise.
8-3-02 - I'm pretty sure that I helped a customer that
was either the biggest Beavis & Butthead fan I've ever seen, or was high on
something. While trying to help her in layaway, I asked her for her name and
information. She replied, "My last name is Marshall, huh huh huh." It definitely
sounded like some sort of Butthead imitation. The thing is, that's not the only
time it happened, at the end of every statement she made she would go "huh huh
huh" like Butthead. I just stared at her in disbelief. I honestly wish I could
say she was high, but I am pretty sure she was just really dumb.
- There are a lot of gimps that shop and work at Wally World.
Band Camp Girl was in looking for new Care Bear stuffed animals today. I have
never even seen the children get that excited over stuffed animals.
8-24-02 - While supervising the front registers I was graced with the
opportunity to clean up dog urine. Some dog for a handicap person took a leak
right in the middle of the main aisle of the store. This definitely was not one
of the higher moments of my professional career.
8-25-02 - I canceled a
layaway that a customer no longer wanted. So I went to the back to retrieve it
and put it back on the sales floor. I was astonished by what I found. I pulled
the boxes out of their bins and began to open them. I laughed to myself when I
began to pull several NASCAR items out of the boxes. Typical white trash
merchandise that a layaway associate will find themselves dealing with. I
continued to pull the several NASCAR items out of the boxes when I also began to
pull out things with big, happy, yellow smiley faces. It was scary. You see, the
items were things for bedrooms and bathrooms, like NASCAR bed sheets and such,
and Smiley Face bathroom mats. Someone was actually going to decorate their home
with NASCAR and the Wally World smiley face. I'm guessing they were planning on
building a set for a horror movie.
8-25-02 - I got a personal phone call
in the middle of my shift. So I went to the phone and picked it up and it was
Michael Bolton. Someone decided they should cheer me up and play "Time Love
& Tenderness" by none other then Michael Bolton. So for the rest of the day
I was singing under my breath "when love puts you through the fire, when love
puts you to the test, nothing cures a broken heart...."
9-7-03 - Band
Camp Girl was spotted by another associate wearing shorts and *NOT* wearing her
trademark black pumps. This is the first ever documented case of this
9-7-02 - Some lady was walking about fifteen feet in front
of me or so, and I swear to god she ripped the biggest fart I've ever witnessed.
Seriously, such a massive threatening force would get the interest of any
terrorist. By the sound of it, the force of that monstrous episode of gas should
have made her ass cheeks flap like an American flag in the wind. I had to take a
detour to the register I was headed to in order to avoid any exposure to the
harmful gas cloud that was surely awaiting for an unsuspecting victim.
9-9-02 -The people greeters are getting out of control. One yelled at
another supervisor because a customer yelled at him, as if it was the
supervisor's fault this happened. Our frail old lady people greeter with
Alzheimerís threw her fists in the air ready to fight a customer over something
stupid. Also, twice this week I have caught two different people greeters
sleeping on the stool by the door while customers walked in and out of the
doors. You know, you give old people the benefit of the doubt and you create a
job specifically designed for them and they screw it up.
9-10-02 - Today
a customer was offended because I didn't know that NASCAR racer Tony Stewart had
immediate family living in the area. I certainly learned fast though. Although I
forget it all now, she told me all about his sister, his mother, and for some
reason why he is in trouble. She was shocked when I said the only NASCAR drivers
I knew were Jeff Gordon and the Earndharts. By the way, she was getting her Tony
Stewart rug out of layaway.
9-15-02 - I get a lot of crap from friends
and viewers of this website complaining about my lack of updates. If you enjoy
this website, it is a pretty good indication that you shop at your local Wally
World, thus making you the enemy. So to hell with you, you bastards!
9-17-02 - The people greeter with one thumb and one finger sneezed in
the break room. He attempted to cover his mouth, but used the wrong hand, and
unfortunately his one finger is not enough to cover his whole mouth.
9-17-02 - Some random old guy came up to me rambling uncontrollably
today. A lot of it was hard to understand, but here is what I could make of it.
"Lots of Mexicans....and Japanese too....yup, lots of them sonsuvabitches." He
then went on to mutter something like "[inaudible] Iraq [inaudible] kill all
them bastards, then that problem will be gone."
10-14-02 - A couple of
guys went back to our sporting goods department looking for high powered rifles.
They asked the clerk for a powerful gun. He asked what they were hunting for and
they said they were just going to shoot cans. However, they still insisted on a
very powerful gun, a gun that could kill a person actually. They also wanted to
know how many guns they could buy in a day. They acted very suspicious and were
later seen trying on ski masks. I think they should have handwritten a section
on the gun paperwork asking that they declare what terrorist organization they
belong to. Instead the management called the police.
11-1-02 - Halloween
is over now. So it is official now. The season to celebrate capitalism has
begun. It is now officially Christmas season.
11-4-02 - The Harlem Globe
Trotters were in town, and they were shopping at Wally World. Tensions were high
because we all know that NASCAR fans and Harlem do not mix well.
11-15-02 - Band Camp Girl got some new pens. Oh, you didn't hear about
them? You must be the only one she hasn't told three times.
While we're on the subject of Band Camp, the situation is worse. It turns out
there is an evil force greater then that of Band Camps. As it turns out, there
is a new associate, whom I call Evil Band Camp Girl, and she has many
similarities to the original Band Camp. The biggest difference is that the
original Band Camp Girl is actually pretty nice, too nice, annoyingly nice. Evil
Band Camp is evil, EVIL I TELL YOU! She babbles on and on just like Band Camp,
but she is hateful and threatens people. If you gave Band Camp Girl a gun she'd
probably just talk to you to death about it, but Evil Band Camp would yell at
you about the gun forever and then shoot you with it, and then talk some more
about it. I'm sure she could be an asset to Al Qaeda.
Starting on November 23, I will be working three straight days in the grocery
department. I don't know what goes on over there, but the job looks pretty
sweet. Not too much hassle from the customers and you just stock shelves pretty
much. I'm hoping that all the stupid people that shop at Wally World shop on the
general merchandise side of the store and will not bother me in grocery. Maybe I
will just get a random fat person in an electric cart looking for the Hostess
cupcakes once in awhile.
11-23-02 - I was lured in to some sort of trap.
I was told I was going to be working in grocery, it was only partially true.
They failed to include the detail that I would be working in the frozen foods
department. This means I get to work in a cooler that is -14 degrees. The
positive side is that nobody wants to go in to that cooler and there is no
speaker to hear pages. So I like to just sit in the freezer and relax. I guess
I'm sacrificing my physical well being for my mental well being.
11-24-02 - I had to direct a guy out of the store today because he could
not find his way out, he apparently couldn't see the masses of people leaving
and entering the store himself. He was holding a prescription from the pharmacy,
so I didn't make fun of him, he might have been crazy or had an STD.
11-24-02 - Since I have been working on the sales floor, I had to go to
a store meeting. In the middle of the meeting I was informed I was going to have
to lead the Wally World cheer. A chill went down my spine. So in the middle of
the meeting, I snuck out to avoid being a part of that cult like activity. I was
paged by the manager back to the meeting, but unfortunately for her a customer
had stopped me and wanted to know where toothpicks were. I called her back to
inform her I wouldn't be leading the cheer because I was with a customer. I've
never been so happy to be helping a customer. The manager told me later that
next time she held a meeting she was going to make me go and lead the cheer. I'm
at peace with all the Wally World associates right now, but I will break that
peace if I must defend myself from the evil Wally World chant, I mean cheer.
11-24-02 - I had to stock Tostinos pizzas today. For a single guy living
on his own, that is a big deal. Without Tostino's pizzas I'd probably be dead.
When I put those delicious little pepperoni pizzas in that cooler and thought of
the joy that it would bring to some other college guy, it brought a tear to my
eye. The tear later froze on my cheek in the -14 degree cooler.
- My last day as a frozen food associate was today, and it saddens me. All I had
to do in that department was put things on the shelf, which was it. Now I must
return to the insanity that is my regular job, and deal with the sheep, I mean
11-25-02 - November 28 is approaching. I must now begin
to prepare for the biggest shopping day of the year and make myself realize that
no matter what I do, and no matter what I say, I am going to deal with some
11-27-02 - Ok, cashiers have a lot of stupid people
they deal with. So when we are running a register, and you give us a bunch of
bread, some eggs, and other items that can be squashed very easily at the
beginning of your $300 order, don't get mad at me because your stuff gets a
little squished. I have lots of other stuff to deal with, so when you get mad
because your bread is all messed up, I hope you go home and eat that piece of
bread, choke on it, and die. Hopefully, your last thought will be "Gosh, if I
had only put the bread at the end of the order to make that cashier's life a
11-28-02 - My Thanksgiving day was spent at Wally World.
Its ok, I was with my family.... My Wally World family. God, someone put me out
of my misery.
11-29-02 - Sometimes I feel like a god damn genius at
work. Then I remember that I work with and serve gimps and retards, and remember
that I am just average.
12-1-02 - A friend of mine who works in our
Sporting Goods department informed me that Evil Band Camp Girl was inquiring
about how to obtain a permit for a handgun. For your own protection, I'm asking
you not to bring the kids to Wally World.
12-3-02 - In an effort to
break his own record long page of 58 seconds, my fellow CSM learned that the
paging system at our Wally World has a limit of 60 seconds before it cuts you
off. Yes, it was a slow night. Other boring moments were spent trying to
remember the titles of Don Henley songs.
12-3-02 - There is something a
little weird about a customer saying "thanks baby" to you. At least she didn't
smack my ass (see 12-15-00).
12-3-02 - While urinating in a bathroom
stall, I began reading the scribbles and engravings people had made on the wall.
Seriously, who thinks of this stuff? What's worse, is that people actually DO
write it on the wall. A lot of the stuff is racist. It is now painfully obvious
what is going on here. What has happened is that the Ku Klux Klan is now
organizing and having members write the word "nigger" on bathroom stalls. In the
old days, they just would have burned a cross on someone's front lawn, but they
are now proving that the KKK is as big as ever and has moved on to bathroom
12-3-02 - While singing "In a New York Minute" I happened to
notice Evil Band Camp shopping in softlines. I noticed she was wearing a
bandana, which she often does, but I had never given it much thought until now.
I think maybe she is a member of a gang, which would explain her hostilities
towards everyone and wanting to own a handgun. It would be pretty sweet if Band
Camp Girl had her own gang that was a rival of Evil Band Camp Girl's gang and
they had a shoot-out. It'd be like watching blind schizophrenics with tourette's
syndrome trying to shoot each other.
12-6-02 - For god sakes people, the
word is "pictures" not "pitchers." You didn't take pitchers of the wedding; you
took pictures of the wedding. God dammit, you are some stupid son of a bitches.
12-6-02 - I did a carry out today for a lady with a lot of groceries and
she was very thankful for my assistance. Apparently she had been having somewhat
of a rough day, because on the way out to her car she said "Thank you lord for
this day, it's been hard, but you gave me Wally World." At which point, I felt
like kicking her in the shins. God did not bless her with the gift of Wally
World; American society sold their soul to the devil for it.
I was called to register six today because a lady had grabbed the incorrect kind
of batteries. After several trips back and forth from the batteries to register
six because I kept getting ones she didn't want, she finally walked over to the
batteries ten feet away at register three that I had been going to, and got some
herself. No, you didn't misread that, she was too lazy to walk ten feet and pick
up the right kind of batteries, so they called me from god only knows where to
do it. How would the store survive without me?
12-24-02 - Well this is
the last day before Christmas. Thank god it will all be over in a day and my
work life will go back to its "works sucks" stage which is a downgrade from
"work REALLY sucks" stage of right now.
12-29-02 - Ok, well I was very
wrong. Work didn't get better after Christmas, it actually got worse. For some
reason people did not fulfill their need to shop during the Christmas season,
and seem to be shopping more after Christmas. Although we probably aren't doing
the same volume of sales, we have far less help because it is after December 25.
So I have elevated to the stage of "Fuck work and all those stupid
12-31-02 - It's New Years Eve and this is my last day
before a much needed vacation. Nothing all that exciting happened, but while
walking through the grocery department, which is necessary to get to the time
clock, a customer asked me where the grocery department was.
While helping a lady do a carryout, she turns and asks "Which side of the store
should I exit?" So I asked, "well which side did you park on?" To which she
replied, "grocery." So I said, "Well we should probably go out that exit then."
Seriously, people like this are registered to vote, and it's scary.
1-26-03 - Some guy was using a credit card, and the name on the credit
card was "Janice." I don't know too many guys named Janice, but for whatever
reason when the cashier ran the card through, it asked me to call the credit
card company. So I called and listened to the hold music for awhile. Then after
a lot of waiting, I finally got to listen to some more hold music. Eventually I
talked to a person who transferred me to another representative, and then I
listened to some more hold music. After some time the representative answered
the phone and proceeded to transfer me to the issuing bank. So I got to rock out
to even more hold music. Meanwhile, some white trash guy who doesn't understand
what is going on is growing impatient, he probably wanted to get back to his
trailer and watch the super bowl on his huge new 19" television with a kickass
new rabbit ears antenna. I had told him that it probably would not be approved
because he did not have any identification on him. He wanted me to call anyway,
I also warned him about the long wait that usually goes with calling in a credit
card. He, however, "don't give a fuck." So several minutes later, a
representative wants to talk to this man and ask him some questions to make sure
he's an authorized user of the card. He, however, can answer none of the
questions. So after not being able to answer any of the lady's questions, no
identifications, and extremely bad breath, he is declined the one hundred dollar
charge after he tells the lady off. After all this, he's still surprised they
won't let him use it. If I had seen some toothpaste or toothbrush in his items,
I probably would have done the override for the sake of humanity.
1-29-03 - If your kids are in public and screaming, it should be legal
for me to beat them, cage them, and sell them in Mexico as pets.
- Thank god for working at Wally World. II get to hear the life stories and
problems of the other associates, which is great since I don't have problems or
concerns of my own.
1-31-03 - We've got this new maintenance guy working
for us, since our old one was mildly retarded and sexually harassed associates
and customers. The new guy, I like to call him Toilet Gump, is really dumb.
Anytime something has to be done he comes up to me and asks how it should be
done. Poor Toilet Gump can't figure anything out for himself. He had a bit of a
run-in with our door greeter, The Claw (Read the meet the associate section to
see why he's called the claw.) There was water at the front entrance on the
floor and Toilet Gump brought up a mop and bucket and told The Claw to mop it
when he got time. The Claw shouldn't be messed with, and definitely shouldn't be
asked to mop. Quite upset about the incident, The Claw called me in a frenzy.
Luckily for Toilet Gump, I got him calmed down or he might have gotten his eyes
gouged out by Claw's remaining two fingers.
2-15-03 - We've got this
cashier that always asks us for money to borrow. Usually it's between five and
ten dollars. She makes up different reasons for needing it, sometimes she needs
to eat lunch, gas to get home, milk for the kids....the list goes on. What this
money is really contributing to is probably crack cocaine. That's my guess. I
call her the Combover Crackhead because she's also balding, probably as a result
of the drugs, and she attempts to cover it up with a combover. I can't really
blame her, I'm surprised that more cashiers aren't driven to drugs by the
constant stampede of redneck customers.
2-17-03 - Toilet Gump came by
the front checkouts today holding a thong and bra. I made the mistake of making
a comment. I jokingly said "Those for you?" His reply to me was "Maybe after six
or so beers." The therapist I have to see now because of that incident says
whenever I remember that conversation I should just go to my happy place.
2-17-03 - Evil Band Camp Girl asked me if I had seen some movie, I
believe it was called "Get Real." Well according to her it was about some gay
person that was in the closet and led a miserable life, and then they came out
of the closet and life got much better. Evil Band Camp Girl explained to me that
the movie was so true to real life and explained how much she loved the movie
because of it. Of course, like any conversation with her, it went on for quite a
while. Anyway, she was so caught up in this movie that it leads me to believe
that she may be gay. Play your cards right, and you could be her lucky lady.
Sorry fellas, I know you guys had your sights set on her, but it sounds like she
may be batting for the other team.
2-18-03 - Besides having a gun safe
fall on my hand and nearly crushing it, today was a good day.
I'm pretty sure that the motor on Evil Band Camp's mouth could somehow power a
2-19-03 - Why in the hell do associates keep trying to hug
me? I'm buying a stun gun.
3-1-03 - "Aren't you going to open some more
lanes?" You know what? I don't give a shit if you wait in line all day. Since
you're being all shitty about it, I'm going to make it a point not to open any
more lines until you leave, so that I may laugh at you the entire time you wait.
If all goes as planned you will never shop here again because of me, and I'll
never have to hear you say "Aren't you going to open some more lanes?" Fuck off.
3-8-03 - I got one of our stockmen for a carryout, and the one I got was
our "mentally disabled" one. "Mentally disabled" is really just a nice way of
saying "Retarded and crazy" but that's beside the point. He did the carryout for
the lady and she looked pretty scared of him. I would be too if I didn't know
him. He has a weird film on his teeth and is always smiling. He's pretty
scruffy, and he yells across the parking lot at associates coming in to work
with his trademark "THERE'S TROUBLE!" He also declares every few minutes that
he's "being a good boy" as if he were a dog.
3-9-03 - A lady that I had
recently told could not exchange her VCR for a new one approached me shortly
after we refused her return. Her problem was not that I would not give her
another VCR or her money back; it was that the other associate was racist
towards her, or so she claimed. I called a member of management to handle the
situation, and I'll be damned if Apu didn't show up. He came up and listened and
said a few things in broken English to the customers, gave them a gift card and
sent them on their way. He later talked to the girl who was accused of being
racist. For some reason she claimed Hitler would have loved her because she has
blond hair and blue eyes. Apu laughed and asked if she spoke German.
3-10-03 - I was on my way to the restroom to wash my hands after working
on a couple of the registers and I saw our District Manager. He went in to the
restroom right ahead of me. I went in and began to wash my hands and he went in
to the stall. A moment later, I heard him grunting. Now I've heard grunting,
farting, straining, and explosions come out of that stall before, but because it
was my district manager who is responsible for hundreds of millions of dollars,
it struck me as hilarious. I guess rich people in suits have to take a crap too.
If I had known that is where he was going in advance, I would have taken out the
toilet paper before he went in, and demanded a raise before I gave it back to
3-10-03 - I've done a little research. I'm toying with the idea of
wearing a microphone while I work and recording some of the craziness on audio
tape and posting it on the site. Today, a guy came up to me and asked "Where are
the pots and pans and shit?" in a hick voice. It struck me as funny, but it
saddens me that I can't post sounds like that as of now. Just think of the
possibilities, the whole world could learn to cringe when they hear the voice of
Band Camp Girl, just like I have.
3-10-03 - A lady approached me at the
CSM podium and asked "Where are your 8 track things?" Rather then dignify that
question with a response; I just gave her a dumb look, since 8 tracks have not
been in production for decades. She realized she didn't have a clue and
rephrased it to "umm, you know those millimeter things." Still refusing to
respond to such a dumb question, I just shook my head. Finally, she said "a
little thing for recording." A few sentences later we discovered that what she
really wanted was a blank audio cassette for her recorder. I directed her to
electronics, and she insisted that there were some at the checkouts. I was
pretty confident I was right, especially since she originally asked for an 8
track. She went off mad and never found her item at the front checkouts.
3-10-03 - I was counting some money around 5pm when the district manager
said hello and headed towards the checkouts to leave for the day. He had a case
of Mountain Dew and that's it. The waiting at the registers was minimal, but
there were no lines without any waiting at all. So he came up to me and asked me
if I could open anymore lines. Being the little corporate bitch that I am, I
said "I'll call some people up" but in my mind I wanted to say "If I don't are
you going to start groaning like you did in the restroom stall?"
- Originally, I thought it was "Dress likke a customer" day. I thought these guys
had really good costumes, it turns out that they just wanted to dress like
customers. This image saddens me, as it is proof that the white trash movement
has swept away two perfectly good associates. They're even checking out the
Richard Petty cereal. I suspect they even bought the NASCAR endorsed frozen
3-16-03 - I figure it's only a matter of time before Wally
World drops the traditional blue vest, for NASCAR vests. Only the store manager
would be allowed to wear the #3 vest.
3-22-03 - I have worked at Wally
World for over four years, and today I cleaned up vomit for the first time. A
sad day indeed.
3-22-03 - Some bitch customer went through Doc Nizzle
the cashier's line. She wanted half off of some rugs we had because a competing
store had them half off. Ours were already marked down, and she did not have the
sales ad with her. She wanted me to do it for her just this one time and next
time she would remember the ad. Instead of drop kicking her and stomping on her
teeth, I just decided to tell her no. For some reason, I had a deep hatred for
her and had a strong urge to hit her with a blunt object. My outstanding
customer service shined through though, and I told that bitch what was up.
3-23-03 - Evil Band Camp Girl is obsessed about some sort of cream that
cleans glasses. She was showing it to me, since I wear glasses, and went on and
on about how great it was. I tried to explain to her that I was satisfied with
the stuff I use to clean my glasses, but she insisted on bringing some in for me
to try. She talked about the dumb stuff for well over five minutes. My efforts
to abandon the conversation failed, and I suffered.
3-23-03 - Believe it
or not, we sell a CD in electronics titled "Mullet Rock."
4-5-03 - Some
white trash guy with a mullet came up to me and said "Hey man, can you tell me
where the fuckin panties, fuckin bras, and fuckin night gowns and shit is?" The
fact that this guy was such white trash and every word he said was preceded by
"Fuckin" almost overshadowed the weird idea that he was looking for bras,
panties, and nightgowns. I should have answered "Fuckin homo, what are you doin
in the fuckin panties section, you some kind of fuckin faggot." in my best
redneck voice. I didn't though, because he may have mullet whipped me.
4-8-03 - Another CSM believes that Evil Band Camp Girl has a crush on
me. I can't help but feel a little frightened.
4-11-03 - Some retarded
guy said hi to me. He was kind of scary, he might have had rabies.
4-12-03 - We have a people greeter that has Alzheimer's, a couple of
them actually. The one can't remember anything. The bad part about it is that
nobody can understand what the hell he's saying. It's like having Ozzy Osbourne
as a people greeter, except he doesn't cuss as much. One coworker said that
trying to figure out what he's saying is like trying to decipher what Lassie the
dog is barking about. The other one with Alzheimer's is a lady, and every
weekend she comes in and asks the same questions about her discount card.
4-12-03 - **ATTENTION FAT PEOPLE** Your fat roles are NOT sexy, please
cover them up. This includes, but is not limited to buying a longer shirt. Thank
you for your cooperation.
4-17-03 - I briefly considered suicide when I
learned that Evil Band Camp may have seriously had a romantic interest in me.
She confronted my girlfriend to ask if we were together, and I guess asked that
same question ten times just to be sure. I live in fear; this girl has been in a
mental institution before.
4-19-03 - Little kids with their parents
always say hi to me and ask me what my name is. The parents and other associates
think that sort of thing is cute. What I'd like to say to that little kid is
this, "Well maybe if you could get an education beyond that of your parents, you
may one day be able to read my name tag. However, I doubt that will ever happen
because your parents obviously think it is ok for you to talk to strangers and
you will probably one day be kidnapped and sold in Mexico on the black market."
Usually though, I just say "hi."
4-20-03 - Why do people think it is ok
to wear fanny packs? Death to all who wear fanny packs and/or speedos.
4-24-03 - Just when you think you can't be shocked anymore. An associate
came in shopping and then left and on the way home began bleeding from
unmentionable places and freaked out and started crying. Apparently, CSMs can't
only solve problems at work but are now some sort of personal problem solvers
for the associates. So she called a CSM on her cell phone crying and bleeding
from unmentionable places and god only knows what else. She went to the hospital
and called and asked the CSMs to come sit with her on their lunch breaks. You
may be thinking this was a cry for help and that me and my coworkers are
heartless bastards for not going (They actually went to Wendyís instead.) What
you fail to understand is that this was no ordinary associate, obviously, what
ordinary associate would call people you only know from work for help and
support. I'll give you one guess as to who it was. Here's your hint, when I
heard she was in the hospital I thought that the battery that operates her never
ending mouth had died.
4-24-03 - Someone was trying to return a portable
CD player with no receipt and the UPC number did not work on our computers. I
told her that we could not give her anything for it. She then proceeded to tell
me that she needed money for gas to get back to Wisconsin. Like I give a shit
lady, for all I care you can go give blowjobs to truckers for rides and get
herpes and die, rot in hell bitch.
4-25-03 - While walking underneath
the Wally World television playing a Wally World commercial, an associate passed
me by and proclaimed "Whenever I see our commercial on TV I go WOOHOO I WORK
THERE!" It's one thing when a customer is in love with Wally World, but when an
associate working in the belly of the beast still can not see it's evilness, it
is just terrifying.
4-27-03 - I can feel the walls closing in around me
a little bit. The cart pushers we have are asking me about this page, and Wally
World assistant managers are referring people to my page. Now how the hell am I
supposed to write about people that read this page.
5-3-03 - I walked
outside looking for a cart pusher. I found an off duty people greeter sitting in
his car with the radio turned up getting down with his bad self. He was
listening to "The Battle of New Orleans" and was bouncing up and down and
shaking his whole car.
5-7-03 - Jesus motherfucking Christ. Ok people,
when you check out at a register at any retail store there is a price to be paid
for the merchandise that was scanned. Can we all agree on this? So why the fuck
do you not have your check written, your cash out, or your credit card ready
when we read the total to you. I swear to god I'm going to stab someone one day.
5-9-03 - Evil Band Camp is no longer a cashier, but still finds crazy
obscure reasons to talk to me. I'd do anything to just make her go away. I'm
convinced she is totally hysterically psycho crazy.
5-16-03 - While
bored, me and my coworkers tried to decide on the girls we work with we'd like
to see in thongs. That list was depressingly short. Afterwards, we tried to
gross each other out by the associates we would not want to see in thongs.
Sadly, that list was endless. Yes, I was getting paid while we did this.
5-17-03 - I made a bit of a mistake today when trying to show a customer
something. He was looking for undershirts. I pointed to a rack in the men's
department where they were located; the rack was some distance away. I asked the
man "Do you see that rack over there that says 'Hanes'?" He kept saying he
didn't see it and I kept pointing and trying to get him to see it. I finally
walked him clear to the merchandise, and returned to my position at the front
registers. It was there that another associate informed me that the man had a
glass eye and could not see very well. So my bad observation skills came back to
haunt me once again.
5-17-03 - A customer returned some sort of "As Seen
On TV" dieting gimmick thing. Her fat ass complained that it didn't work. If
you're stupid enough to buy in to a dieting gimmick, much less an "As Seen On
TV" one then you deserve to be ripped off and stay fat. She got her money back,
but I had the last laugh because she was old and fat.
5-24-03 - There
was a cross dresser shopping in women's wear, it was pretty disturbing. Funny
that he manages to put on makeup over his stubble.
6-5-03 - Band Camp
Girl got her belly button pierced. Unfortunately, she's been showing everyone
too, I'm sure it's not a pretty sight. Fortunately, when she first got it I was
on vacation, so I have managed to avoid any sort of eye contact with her belly
6-8-03 - According to another associate, Evil Band Camp was in
shopping for a shaver. Not just any shaver though, a shaver for the private
areas. So she took her to them, which is a shock to me because I didn't even
know we carried anything like that. She looked at them and told the associate
she needed something more powerful. Disturbing information indeed. We think she
should check out the hedge trimmers.
6-11-03 - One would think that
after awhile Band Camp Girl's behavior would stop being so shocking, but it gets
me every time. This time we had a code black at Wally World. This means that
there is a Tornado warning and everyone has to go to the bedding department and
we stop serving the customers. My job was to keep one door open and monitor the
door until the tornado warning was lifted. So while instructing customers what
to do and what was going on, I look over and who do I see.... You guessed it,
Band Camp and her husband. She walks up to me and asks "Is there still a Tornado
warning?" and I said there was, and she said "Is everybody back in domestics?" I
said they were, and she hurried off towards the bedding. She was not working;
she had actually come in to Wal-Mart just for this reason. If I was one of the
associates in domestics and knew she was coming, I would have gone outside and
taken my chances with a tornado.
6-12-03 - There was a kid who was
around 7 years old, and I heard him say "I love Wal-Mart, it is my favorite
store." I had a vision of knocking him down and stomping on his face, but I
didn't. I think a tear of disappointment may have streamed down my cheek though.
6-12-03 - It's Band Camp overload week. Band Camp Girl once again took
pictures of rainbows. Typical Band Camp, can't keep them to herself, and finds
it necessary to show everyone. This includes me, and she actually showed me the
pictures on two separate occasions. The second time, I was going to stab my
brain with a pen, but didn't have one on me at the time. I guess she was making
up for the fact I've avoided seeing her belly button ring.
Some guy was up on coke, meth, or some other white trash drug and decided he
wanted to return a hedge trimmer. He had been suspected of stealing the hedge
trimmer and he had no receipt or even the box. So I told him he couldn't return
it, and so did a manager. The guy began to go sort of crazy and paced around and
refused to sit still. Later on, he just stood in line at a register and glared
at me. I wanted to smile and wave at him, but I was afraid it'd spark the second
7-17-03 - I think people should be subjected to the
same treatment as dogs. When they become old, useless, white trash, and
miserable they should be put to sleep.
7-17-03 - Why is it so damn hard
for people to remember where they parked?
7-19-03 - Tensions between the
cart pushers and the two fingered people greeter are rising. This all happened
due to a few pieces of trash lying in a closet. The people greeter never even
goes in the closet so I don't know why he cares, and it would only take the cart
pushers 10 seconds to clean it up. Of course I could always do it myself and the
problem would be solved, but my life is a little more entertaining this way.
7-20-03 - Some customers need help to walk, so they do not fall down.
It's tempting not to give them that help for my own amusement.
It was 5:00pm. I was standing at the podium while Band Camp talked to another
CSM about the price of Coke. Looking for a way out, I heard a page for a CSM to
go to layaway, I quickly turned and headed towards the back of the store to
escape. Thinking I was free of Band Camp, I slowed down my pace only to hear her
following behind me, and starting her Coke story over as if I hadn't heard it
the first time. Pretending not to hear her, I began walking through the women's
department very fast, and as soon as I left and began walking on the tile again
I heard her little black pumps hitting the floor trying to keep up with me. It
was like something out of a horror movie. I eventually made a quick turn and
evaded any more of her babble talk. That walk to layaway will now forever haunt
7-24-03 - I was called over to the customer service desk to deal
with a customer complaint. She wanted to complain about the lack of customer
service she received while in the photo department. She was probably 40 or 50
years old and explained to me that she was ignored and that the associates in
that department were talking about "punching hoes." I would have been interested
in hearing that conversation, because one of the ladies in photo was about the
same age as the lady complaining.
7-25-03 - I've previously discussed
the speed walking midget. Well I've discovered a new breed of midget. I saw him
standing in line at a register and almost fell over laughing. He was a gangsta
midget. He had the baggy clothes, the attitude, and even the tattoos. I bet he'd
carry a gun if his fingers weren't too stubby to pull the trigger.
7-28-03 - There's a lady that comes in to Wally World all the time and
returns thing. The service desk associates have named her Psycho Susan because
she has some serious mental issues. She's really weird and says crazy things.
Most recently she returned some cups, that Wally World doesn't even carry I
might add, because she said they had hallucinogens on them. If that was true, I
would have taken them myself and sold them to kids.
7-29-03 - Some
people get offended when you ask them for their identification. Usually this
occurs when they write a check. I don't understand it, they get all irate about
nothing. Is it really that big of a deal for you to reach your fat fucking hand
back to your fat fucking ass, reach in to your pocket and pull out a picture of
your fat fucking self? I'd hate to put you through all that trouble, I mean, I
know it burns more then half a calorie to go through that whole process and all.
7-31-03 - I attended a concert over an hour from where I live. The
concert holds tens of thousands of people. We were standing in a huge crowd of
people and guess who was standing right in front of me, about three feet away.
The god damn gangsta midget, I about shit a brick. As it turns out, he must not
be a gangsta midget because this was a rock concert, so he's some kind of Metal
Head Midget. He was shirtless and exposing his tattoo of an oompa loompa smoking
8-20-03 - After a few years of being a CSM, or some might call
it babysitting, I transferred. I now work in electronics where instead of taking
customer complains, I'll be teaching customers the alphabet so they can find
their favorite Billy Ray Cyrus cd.
9-8-03 - I saw a retard in a
wheelchair today. She kept hitting herself in the face.
9-15-03 - A
customer called looking for "a stereo that you see all these kids walking around
with on their shoulders." I guess she hadn't gone outside or turned on a
television since 1983 since kids don't do that anymore. She probably wanted to
learn how to break-dance too.
9-16-03 - One of the perks of working
electronics is that you have the joy of stocking all the great music that we
carry. Today I discovered this Latino gem, or as one coworker classified,
Spexican. Even Menudo would be proud of these guys. Yes....We carry this work of
art at Wally World.
9-23-03 - I'm told that Raza OBrera translates in to
something like "working race." I hope those guys mean that, because I don't see
their musical career lasting too long.
10-2-03 - I'm enjoying my new job
in electronics, but I received some terrible news today. It looks like Band Camp
Girl is coming to cashier in electronics through the Christmas season. I can no
longer go on, goodbye cruel world.
10-2-03 - There is a very scary man
who I have had to deal with before. He's Hispanic and he yells. His English is
very broken and I can never understand him and he always gets upset. Today he
came in and yelled about a DVD player. Thankfully, his cell phone rang and when
he turned his back I fled. Later, the associate that once referred to Hispanics
as "Spexican" helped him out.
10-2-03 - I can continue to live after
all. It turns out that Band Camp Girl coming back to electronics was a big joke
on me. She apparently really was interested in working there. The manager was
told how much I hate her, and used the golden opportunity to play a cruel joke
on me. It was almost a complete disaster; I almost hung myself on my lunch
because I was so afraid.
10-25-03 - Evil Band Camp girl came up to me in
electronics and handed me some merchandise that needed to go back on the shelf.
I said "thank you" and then she just stood there. I don't know what she expected
me to do, but she just stood there staring for like five seconds and finally
turned and walked away. Very scary.
10-27-03 - I think I found Mexico's
answer to Lord of the Dance. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. So here again
is another crazy Latin music cd cover. Who in the fuck thought this was a good
11-21-03 - So X-Men 2 came out on DVD a few weeks ago. We get
buttons and little things to wear to help promote movies like this when they
come out. For X-Men 2 we got a big disc with little lights all over it, and all
the lights blink. That's all it does, it just blinks a little light around the
button. It doesn't file your taxes, it doesn't cook dinner, and it doesn't hide
the fact that you're white trash. So you'd think it wouldn't be a big deal, but
it is. People stop me all the time and ask me for a button like the one I have,
and when I tell them that we're out, they want mine. I refuse, just because I
can. It's amazing to me that people are so infatuated with such a silly thing.
The senselessness of our race never stops astonishing me. Whoever wants to be
our next president just needs to put blinking lights on their campaign buttons.
11-23-03 - The next time you go to the record store and ask for help
finding a CD, do yourself and the people there a favor. First, actually try
looking for the CD yourself. You can usually find them by using this extremely
complex method; it's hard, but can be mastered. We call it the alphabet. First,
think of the name of the artist you are looking for. Once you do that, this is
where it gets complicated; you need to reverse the names around. So if his name
is "Toby Keith" for example, you need to switch it to "Keith Toby." Are you
still with me? Ok, now you need to find the "K" section. Oh wait, there are
different genres of music at Wally World. Actually, a total of FOUR! Oh my god,
this is getting really hard. If only they clearly labeled the sections of music
with what genre of music that could be found there... So if you're looking for
Toby Keith or "Keith Toby" you'll want to find the letter "K" in the "Country"
section. In that section you'll find the new Shock 'n Y'all CD that you've been
dying for. Now that you've found your Toby Keith CD, you can head over to ladies
wear to buy your new oversized Tweety Bird shirt and stretch pants. Thank you,
have a nice day.
12-6-03 - Either in the 70s or the 80s there used to be
a Coke commercial in which everyone starts singing a bunch of bullshit about
buying the world a Coke to bring the world together. I don't have to elaborate
on why this commercial sucks ass. Apparently though, some dumbass people think
that singing in public is a beautiful thing or something. Unfortunately for me,
it is not. It is annoying, your voice sucks, and even if it is good I don't want
to hear it. So how about shutting your damn mouth? So even though Hakuna Matata
from the Lion King DVD starts playing and everything, I don't need to hear you
singing the words to me. You don't need to prove to me that you know, like, or
care about that stupid damn song. Just because you know your kids favorite movie
and sing it in public, it doesn't fool me in to thinking you are a loving soccer
mom. I know you go home and slap your kid around you white trash piece of shit.
12-6-03 - By the way, your kid sucks too. Your child is not
cute. It's ugly and annoys me.
12-7-03 - Customer: "Do you have the
movie 'Bing Bong'?" (Or some movie like that) Me: "Sorry, never heard of it, but
let me check just in case." (I physically check, and check the book of movies)
Me: "Sorry, we don't carry that one." Customer: "Well my friend says you do!" Me
thinking: "Here we go..." Me: "Maybe she saw it at another Wal-Mart, or another
store, but we don't have it." Customer: "NO! It was THIS store, and she just saw
Me: "Excuse me, I have to go get a gun and shoot myself because
people like you kill any will I have left to live." 1-5-04 - I worked on my
birthday. I am officially a bitch to this place.
1-6-04 - An open letter
from a customer service associate to a customer: By the Drunken Rantor Dear
customer, There are certain things pertaining to our relationship, which must be
cleared up. The first is that I don't like you. It's not necessarily anything
that you did. It's more a matter of circumstance. You see, for you to understand
the dynamic of this particular relationship, I must break it down. You haven't
done anything to deserve my ire. It's just the simple fact that you walked into
my store. Simply put, you are a small part of a collective machine. Every time
someone asks me a stupid question, every time someone messes up a counter which
I spend countless minutes straightening, every time someone says, "Well, gorsh,
there's no price on the son of a bugger so it must be free," I build up what you
might call "hatred points". And when you come into my store, I will through no
ill will of my own, direct those hatred points at you. Yes, you. Even if you are
the completely innocent customer who spends plenty of money at my store, and
some small part of that money ends up finding its way into my paycheck, I will
still hate you. If you are this person, then surely you can understand. But, if
by some force of evil, you might perhaps be that individual who messes up my
straightening, who tells me that you can fit that treadmill into the back of you
Geo Metro, who speaks to me in a tone indicating that I am nothing more than the
homeless man you spat on as you walked out of the restaurant mere hours before,
then I assure you, the wrath of the customer service associate, and all those
CSAs with him well, we're coming for YOU!
1-11-04 - I took a call from
the service desk, and they asked me to help a customer out with a television to
their vehicle. So I and another electronics guy went up there to help, because
we're great workers and overall nice guys. So anyhow, everything about this
carry out reeked of "bad idea." First of all, it turns out an associate had to
take the television to the front of the store earlier because the lady refused
to walk back to the electronics department. So now we have established complete
laziness. Second, when we get up to the service desk to help the lady, she has a
cart full of groceries that are all bagged with paper. Wal-Mart uses plastic
bags, but we keep paper sacks under the counter for bitches like her. Whenever
you see a customer using paper, steer clear of them at all costs. This is
because their lives have no purpose or meaning, and by getting paper and being
different from everyone else gives them a sense of purpose in life. They never
appreciate anything you do for them, never compliment anyone, but are the first
ones to complain about the most minuscule things that do not concern them. I
really wish they'd hang themselves in their bathroom at home; nobody would miss
them, not even their family. They're the kind of people that think they own
Wally World because they're a "customer" and pay my wages. Well let me tell you
something you middle aged fat whore. Your business is nothing. When you threaten
to shop elsewhere, ask me when I'm not clocked in to work if I give a shit. Do
you think my wage changes? No, it doesn't. This isn't a locally owned mom and
pop shop, this is a big corporate money making machine you've walked in to and
we don't give a shit about you or how you're doing, just empty your fucking
wallet. These places sell an image to suckers, and guess what, you just bought
it. If you actually thought that this place was a fun happy place full of fun
associates and other fun customers, then you are a dipshit. Take two seconds to
think about it, why would people that work here be happy? People that are
interested in helping other people don't say to themselves, "I want to help
people, I'll get a job in retail!" People don't work at this place for fun, they
work here for money, and not much of it. If they had money they wouldn't be here
in the first place, and if they were well educated they wouldn't be here either.
The few people who have any intelligence are mostly in college and are moving on
to bigger and better things and don't give a shit about you or your problems. If
you're just going to complain and be a bitch, just go on down the road to
another store because there's a hundred other people behind you waiting to give
us all of their money and at least thank me for my time. I'm sorry that you're
life sucks, your children are dumb and worthless and will be hooked on meth soon
enough. I'm sorry you're probably stuck in a loveless marriage and your husband
cringes at the sight of you. You know what though, it's your own fault because
you're a worthless bitch and all you do well is bitch. Nobody likes a bitch, so
please, go hang yourself. Also, why do people like you feel the need to
reproduce at rapid rates? Your life sucks, why do you insist on bringing a
litter of screaming kids in to the world? I'm begging you, please go hang
yourself. Don't take your frustrations out on me, I don't make enough money to
listen to it. So if you're one of those people that asks for paper, the next
time you go try plastic. You can carry more plastic bags at a time anyway.
Originally this entry had a point.
1-13-04 - I can't believe some of the
shit I see. We sell some of the worst movies ever made. We have an endless
catalog of Steven Seagal movies. We carry "Freaky Friday", and we carry the new
movie "Bring it on Again." The sad part isn't the fact that we carry these items
in our store, it's the fact that mass quantities of people actually purchase
these movies. Every time I stock "Juwanna Man" a tear comes to my eye. There are
actually people out there that are funny, and movies that are good. Somehow,
however, stupid ass people keep buying in to stupid shit, and as long as people
are buying, Hollywood will keep producing. It's just the sort of thing that
could drive a guy to drugs so that he could find entertainment in such a
retarded fucking movie. By the way, Steven Seagal was never cool at any point of
1-18-04 - So according to a message posted on the message
board, at one of the Wally Worlds somewhere, there is a weight loss center. I
can't believe I have not seen more of this, they have to be raking in the
profits. I bet the owners of that place struck gold, or lard...however you want
to look at it.
1-28-04 - Yet another Wally World inspired drawing from
The Drunken Rantor.
2-23-04 - Don't touch me. Don't call me by name like
I'm your best friend. I'm not your "son." Most importantly, you don't give a
shit about me, and I don't give a shit about you. Come consume your stupid petty
shit, like a tiny cog in this capitalistic society just like you were born to
do, and just leave. Don't forget to die either.
2-23-04 - My updates
grow less frequent. This is because I am working increasingly harder at getting
out of this place I am now trapped in. If I am still doing this website in six
months, then things are not going well. Hopefully, however, this website will be
drawing to a close in the coming months and I will move on to greener pastures.
Hopefully, ones that aren't covered with tile and smiley faces. Knowing my luck
however and the current status of the job market, I'll be stuck here for some
time working for that god damned smiley man. Only time will tell.
2-28-04 - I know I'm super cool. You don't have to prove to me your
coolness though. For instance, when you're buying DDR Max Revolution 2 for your
Playstation, I know you're a total tool. Singing a Three Doors Down song on the
radio in front of me won't make me think you're any cooler, quite the opposite
really. Dancing on a game mat like a fucking fairy in front of your television
and singing some lame ass song only reassures me of my own greatness and lets me
know that you aren't even fit to clean up the piss that the downs syndrome kid
sprayed everywhere in the stall. Go play some dungeons and dragons and don't
talk to me.
3-6-04 - This comment probably belongs in the random rants
section because it has nothing to do with work. However, I feel it is necessary
to say it here because it is important. I made some comments regarding Billy
Crystal and his amazing ability to suck ass. Apparently, some people disagree
with me, including friends of mine. They claim that he is in some good movies
and some other bullshit. Let me get one thing clear here. Billy Crystal is not,
was not, and never will be cool. Unless there's video on the internet somewhere
of him banging Paris Hilton, he'll remain a pathetic little worm. I don't care
what you say, that guy is a bunghole and always has been. It's like saying
Vanilla Ice is cool or something. Sure, maybe I liked Vanilla Ice when I was a
kid, but I didn't know any better. Now that I understand the ways of the world a
bit better, I know that they're both complete idiots. Billy Crystal reminds me
of the gay friend that every woman wants to go shopping with. Let us not forget
that he is friends with Whoopi Goldberg....need I say more?
it turns out that Billy Ray Cyrus is still alive! I thought someone did us all a
favor and chopped off his mullet and stabbed him in the throat. It turns out,
this is not the case. As a matter of fact, he is an actor now. What white trash
store would be complete without a season of "Doc" on their shelf starring Billy
Ray Cyrus as the doctor? He is sporting a pair of jeans, denim shirt, and his
world famous mullet.
3-8-04 - The girl that works at the cell phone
booth in electronics showed a lady where the Michael Bolton CDs were at. Once
they were located, the lady kissed the Michael Bolton CD. Yes, his fans really
exist. It's kind of like Celine Dion, you know she's famous, but you never find
anyone that admits to being a fan. So you hope that maybe nobody really likes
her, and there's some strange conspiracy going on as to why her music is played
everywhere. That dream is shattered when you see people like this buy their CDs
3-17-04 - Yes, we all know you have a huge ass. However, it's
not so big that you need to walk down the middle of the aisle in the parking lot
so that I have to drive at a snail like pace behind you. Get your ass out of the
3-20-04 - If you're older then 40, then chances are I know more
then you about the items in the electronics department. Maybe when I work in
Fabrics and Crafts you can teach me a thing or two, but until then, keep your
opinion to yourself. For example, a lady came up to me and told me she needed an
"ink jet." I asked her if she meant a printer cartridge, and she said "no." I
asked her if she was looking for ink jet printers, again, she said "No, I need
an ink jet." I explained to her that there are ink jet printers that we sell and
cartridges for those printers, and if she needed something else I couldn't help
her. She told me it was a piece to put inside of a printer. So it turns out she
needed a cartridge. I took her to the cartridges and asked her if she knew the
number of cartridge she needed, or the model number of her printer. She replied,
"I need an ink jet."
3-20-04 - The same lady that needed help with her
"ink jet" needed help with some batteries. So I showed her where they were. She
instantly started complaining about the prices and how everything was expensive.
Then she turned to me and saw the expression on my face, which could be
translated in to the "I could give a shit" face. At this point she proceeded to
tell me that I was too young to appreciate what she was talking about, and
talked down to me like I was nothing because I was 1/3 her age. The problem
isn't that I'm too young; the problem is that she's old. Old people have run out
of things in life to do, and therefore all they do is bitch. Nobody cares what
things were like in your day, or what you think is wrong with the world. If a
veteran wants to talk about serving in a World War or something, that's a
different thing all together. The problem is, the old people I get want to talk
to me for fifteen minutes about their television remote control crisis at home.
Buy a god damn universal remote and the problem is solved, it's not fucking
3-23-04 - Yet another picture from the Drunken Rantor.
4-25-04 - Am I the only one that thinks Simba looks like he's high on
something here? What kind of message are we sending to children? Will someone
please think of the children? You better, because I sure as hell won't. I hope
they get addicted to crack so I can sell it to them.
4-27-04 - So there
I am, minding my own business and working on something. I hear someone say
"Excuse me, Sir." So I stand up and look around. I only see one guy around, but
he's looking over at another department. So I go back to working on my project.
About the time I kneel back down to grab some more movies, I hear "Excuse me,
Sir." So I get my ass back up again and look around only to see the same scene I
did before. Only one guy around, but he wasn't paying attention to me and was
looking somewhere else. Again, I kneel down and start working with the movies. A
few seconds later, "Excuse me, SIR!" Now I'm pretty irritated, I stand up and
look around, still just the one guy. So I just stare right at him because it has
to be him, and I was getting mad. Well, in the middle of my staring, I catch a
glimpse of his good eye, which was looking right at me. I kind of felt bad at
first because he had a google eye and I had no idea he was looking at me. Then I
realized that he was the gimp, and he should have apologized to me for having a
4-27-04 - If it's not one gimp doing something crazy, it's
another. Some retarded lady walked by electronics screaming and she kept banging
her head in to the person taking care of her. Retard or not, I wouldn't take
that shit. I'd hit them with a crowbar to make them more retarded, so retarded
that their ass wouldn't be capable of head butting me.
4-29-04 - People
always ask associates "What does this thing do" or "What does it come with?" and
other similar questions. There seems to be some confusion about how much a Wally
World associate seems to know. You see, contrary to apparent popular belief,
Wally World sure as hell doesn't train us, and God doesn't give us some divine
knowledge of the retail world. "So where do you learn about the item?" you ask.
Well, it's from a little method I like to call "Read the fucking box you
5-1-04 - I don't know what the heck is going on, but
I'm pretty sure we have gimps working in the sporting good department.
Electronics is right next to their department, there are always loud crashing
noises coming from there. A few times I have seen what has happened. Once it was
a bunch of plastic coolers that fell off of the riser, and another time a whole
stack base of merchandise collapsed and fell in to the aisle. To my knowledge
there have been no injuries as a direct result of these disasters, but I remain
5-2-04 - I don't consider myself prejudice or anything, but
some stuff is just ridiculous. Some guy came back to electronics and apparently
wanted everyone to know that he was gay. Why? I don't know. This guy was like
6'4, heavyset, and wore a shirt that said "Drama Queen" which looked like the
Dairy Queen logo. He also talked like a woman. I found this man to be
disturbing, so if that makes me prejudice towards gay people, then so be it.
Still I'm not as bad as this guy. There was a guy who saw a black man and
thought he should offer him a piece of his gum because it was watermelon
flavored. What would have made it great was if he had actually asked the black
man, then I could have seen him get his ass kicked, and that's always a fun time
5-3-04 - A kid with downs syndrome walked up to our
display XM satellite radio. He looked at it for a few seconds, and then yelled
out "Yes!" like he had just finished a marathon or something. Then he turned and
walked away. We looked to see what song was playing that he was so excited
about; it was a song by Sarah McLachlan titled "Stupid."
5-23-04 - You
know, old people are special in the same way as Helen Keller. By special, I mean
worthless. We should have cages, I mean camps, for these "special" people.
5-23-04 - Available at your local Wally World.
5-25-04 - A lady
asked me this question. "Where are your hip hop CDs like Brittany Spears and
5-26-04 - I'm currently looking for a job and way out of
Wally World. I'm done with my education and am out of excuses to still be
working here. Please help me.
6-8-04 - Quote from a coworker we call
Froto: "You know, I'm tired of this place getting sued. Every time they do, we
all have to go do more computer training."
6-14-04 - What this country
needs is more staircases. That way I'd have more opportunities to push fat
pregnant white trash whores down them and prevent those syphilis filled jizz
buckets from reproducing.
6-14-04 - For some reason, extra fat people
think they deserve extra special attention. I guess since they consume more from
the grocery section I owe them something extra. You know, I don't have the
energy to help you that much. I mean, I have to walk beside that damn electric
cart to 20 different items in the department, explain to you that the
Playstation 2 games are not movies, and after all of that I have to point you
out to a coworker and laugh at you as you ride away. Not to mention the lack of
air I receive the entire time because of your overpowering body odor. I know you
probably can't fit in a bathtub, but for Christ's sake, at least go stand in a
thunderstorm for awhile.
7-31-04 - Note to manager trainee - We all know
you're cool. We all wish we could be bald with a family, and be entering the
Wally World management training program making ten bucks an hour and working 50
hours a week. Seriously, as an hourly associate working only 40 hours a week and
making about the same amount as you when you break it down hourly, I respect you
so much. I mean, your family must be so proud, maybe your child will take you to
school to tell their class about your promising career at Wally World. Wow, what
a great life you have, please outline some steps for me so I can begin to be
more like you. Due to your greatness, I understand why you never ask anyone to
do anything, you just bark orders at them....and why shouldn't you, you're
working 50 hours a week to make 30k a year. Obviously you're a genius, that's
why you have such a prestigious position. Those other trainees, they just mind
their own business and get their work done, and some are even low enough to have
normal conversations with non salaried associates. Not you though, you know
better because you're a management trainee at a store that caters to the lower
class of our society, and you know you're better then everyone else. All of us
other associates agree too, we talk about how much we appreciate everything you
do for the company, I mean, talking to people like their pieces of shit really
motivates them to work. Some suggested that your massive ego was just a way of
overcompensating for your small penis that you use to penetrate a lifesaver
hole. Don't worry about that though, they're just jealous of your position
because they know that not just anyone can be a manager trainee for Wally World.
It takes somebody special, someone without downs syndrome, and someone with
basic mathematical and reading skills. You can't find someone with that 6th
grade education just anywhere; it takes someone special like you. I look forward
to watching your career blossom at Wally World. I'm so impressed.
8-10-04 - Old people always come up to me in electronics and ask me to
help them find a CD. Since I'm an outstanding associate, role model, and caring
person, I help them. The problem is this; they try to sell me the CD that
they're looking for. You see, when I ask an old gimp who they're looking for
they usually tell me someone I've never heard of. This is pretty common, because
we carry a lot of music. So then I ask what genre of music it is, this is where
the problem begins. Once they realize I have no idea who they're talking about,
they suddenly feel it necessary to tell me how great the particular artist is.
They apparently have not been informed they're old and out of touch with
anything that may be remotely interesting. So a conversation with them may go
something like this: Me: "Hello mam, my name is Scott, and I'd love to help you
buy worthless shit you don't need. Worthless hag in moo moo: "Oh great, I'm
looking for a CD, can you help me?" Me: "No you stupid bitch. The music is
sorted by genre and alphabetized. If you can't figure it out state law requires
you to go get your tubes tied." Worthless hag in moo moo: "Well his name is Clay
Aiken" Me: "What kind of music is it?" Worthless hag in moo moo: "What? You
haven't heard him?! He has the voice of an ANGEL! He can sing anything, he's so
talented. Have you heard of American Idol?" Me: "I've heard of Billy Idol, he's
cool because he sings Rebel Yell." Worthless hag in moo moo: "Well Clay Aiken is
great, you would really like him"
8-20-04 "Can you show me where "The
Passion of the Christ" on DVD is?" "It's not out yet." "There was a sign up
front for it." You know what bitch, why don't you go pray for the DVD. The
release date is August 31, and not even Jesus Christ himself is going to change
that, and if you would have actually read the sign up front then you would have
seen that it said that. The sign wasn't in Hebrew or anything, it was in plain
English, so what is your fucking excuse?
8-30-04 - If I ask you if I can
help you, it's either because I'm feeling nice or because you look like a
fucking retard, and not because I'm looking to find the "jackass customers that
are trying to be funny" show. So if you don't need help, just say "No thanks."
You think you're funny when I say "Can I help you find anything" and you reply
to me with "Yeah, a million dollars." The fact of the matter is this, the world
would have been a better place if your mother would have jammed a clothes hanger
up her cunt and prevented your wasted existence to begin with. Have a nice day.
9-5-04 - So a guy came up to me and asked if we had anything for a good
price. I told him we had merchandise at good prices all over the store, to which
he responded, "What about stuff made in the USA?" The only thing I could say was
"Not so much."
9-21-04 - If you or your company are looking to fill a
position for a computer programmer or other IT position, let me know. I have a
worthless associates degree in computer programming. I'm also bitter,
self-centered, hateful, and easily annoyed.
10-2-04 - Some weird gimpy
fifty year old man with an earring came up to me and asked for help. He was
wearing a purple shirt, and was acting kind of weird. I guess whenever a man
that old has a pierced ear it is pretty weird. He was super proud that he was
from Kentucky, because he told me four different times. Why anyone would be
proud of their Kentucky heritage is beyond me, but he certainly was. He was
talking gibberish and I toned him out and began daydreaming of drop kicking
small children. Well apparently when my mind wandered off he said something that
he thought was funny. He started laughing and said "Sagittarius is very humorous
this morning." Eventually I got away and he gimped off to the front of the
10-3-04 - Old people piss me off. After explaining DVDs and DVD
players to this old bitch about four times she finally takes a DVD player and
puts it in her cart. About ten minutes later she comes up to me and says "Can I
change my mind on this DVD player, I don't think I want it." What the fuck kind
of question is that? Here's how I should have responded: "No you dumb wrinkled
up eye sore, it's in your cart now and you are obligated to buy it. Should you
attempt to remove the DVD player from your cart, security will undoubtedly
tackle you to the ground and sodomize you with a grapefruit until you cough up
your social security check and pay for the DVD player."
10-3-04 - We
sell double packs of DVDs in electronics. It's a pretty decent deal for about
$20 if you can find a pack of decent movies. There's usually one that is decent,
and the other is generally some terrible piece of shit. Sometimes they get two
decent movies, but they have nothing to do with each other. One in particular
drives me insane, Terminator 3 and 2001: A Space Odyssey. The average Terminator
3 fan could never sit through 2001, and the average 2001 fan would probably
laugh at T3. Who am I to question these things though, this company has more 0's
in its sales then most of their customers have brain cells.
Well I learned that last week Band Camp locked herself in the family restroom
located in layaway. I guess the door got jammed somehow, and couldn't be opened,
leaving Band Camp stranded. I guess she started freaking out and screaming and
the layaway associate working heard her cries and called for help like a true
hero. I think it was a sign that people like her should be locked away, but
that's just my opinion I guess.
10-12-04 - Dear Santa, All I want for
Christmas this year is a job. I don't like Wally World very much. Wally World
sucks ass Santa. Not to mention that your services are not needed with Wally
World around. So Santa, I'm asking you for a good job this year because I've
been very good. While I may exploit other people's characteristics and
downfalls, I haven't really DONE anything bad other then write. I put up with
children's shit every day. They ask me to reset the Playstation, and get Pokemon
games and cry all the time. I think I heard one of them threaten to kick me in
the shin, the little bastard. So Santa, if you want me to continue putting up
with these little antichrist children you send my way everywhere, you're wrong.
Should I not have a job by Christmas day, I will pay a child's parents to bring
up child molestation charges against you. Face the facts Santa, you sneak in to
people's houses at night and give gifts to children, I'm on to you. You better
pay up. Merry Christmas, The Wally World Guy
10-23-04 - Another drawing
from the Drunken Rantor.
CONTINUE TO 2005 ENTRIES