The Wacky World of Wally World

7-8-00 -The day this site was first started, a disturbing thing happened that finally convinced me to start this web site. An elderly man was walking through the Health & Beauty department of our Wally World, when he collapsed or fainted, or whatever happened... whatever happened, it wasn't good and he was not well. The elderly man had suffered two heart attacks before I had come to discover and was now suffering from the same symptoms he had encountered just previous to his other two heart attacks. A woman came up to me somewhat frantic, apparently the wife or a friend, and told me to call an ambulance; I got a brief description of what was going on and attempted to dial 911. Unfortunately, all 3 outside lines for the store were in use and I could not dial 911.

At this point I saw a member of Management, Alfredo (Alfredo, Bob, and Boss are all temporary managers while our regular management team works on setting up a Wally World supercenter down the road) I asked Alfredo if anyone had dialed 911 yet and he said that someone had. Knowing that my source of information, Alfredo, was not the brightest bulb in the house, I tried to figure out who exactly had dialed 911. I asked around and nobody had dialed for an ambulance, despite a manager telling me that they had. It would have been very bad if I had just assumed my manager had known what the hell he was talking about.

Nevertheless, I dialed 911 using a pay phone since all of our in store Wally World lines were busy. I spoke with the dispatcher who had many questions about the manís health and history, and I had no answers. I was across the store and nobody near me was even remotely aware of what was going on. Luckily, the all knowing Alfredo happened to walk by and I gave him the phone. I'm pretty sure that the dispatcher probably decided to do all his shopping at K-mart from now on after speaking with Alfredo.

Anyway, I'm trying to find out if this elderly man is ok and if there is anything I can do, when suddenly our temporary store manager Bob appears. Bob asks that I count the number of associates working on that day. He wanted to know how many associates worked during the day, during the night, all departments....that is a lot of people. It seemed like an odd question, especially since there was a man, possibly dying, a few feet away...however we met his demands.

It turns out that he wanted the number of associates so that he could go buy Dilly bars from Dairy Queen for the entire Wally World staff.... This is where common sense would kick in for most people, you weigh the most important issue to deal with....dying man or dilly bars.... dying man or dilly bars.... Bob, being the intelligent well trusted individual that he is chose dilly bars.

Meanwhile, Alfredo was standing over the dying man typing on our telxon (a portable computer that is used to keeps inventory of our items and other various things.) I guess he thought it was more important to see how much shampoo we had in stock then to care for the dying man.

They claim that our temporary managers were managers at other stores before being moved to a temporary management position at our store, but I'm convinced that they were assistant managers at a McDonalds and not a Wally World. Not that it really matters, it takes about the same intellect to run an out of the box Wally World as it does to handle the drive-thru.

Random Thought -I have recently become convinced that Alfredo has a woman's vocal chords. He talks exactly like a girl, and customers frequently ask "What is that girl paging talking about?"

Random Thought -I'm still getting over the whole Bob/Dillybar episode, and we make non-stop jokes about Bob and his love for Dillybars. He will be forever known as Bob "What's the dilly yo" Fatterson.

Random Thought -It is becoming apparent to me that a couple of old ladies in the snack bar do not like me very much.

Unknown Date - Today I finally got the opportunity to ask Bob "What's the dilly yo?" He fired back with a blank stare.

Unknown Date - Only the talented work at Wally World. Today someone had the natural talent to get on the paging system and play the popular song "Mary had a little lamb" by pressing the keys on the telephone.

Random Thought -At this point I am convinced that the temporary management sent from other stores to close down our store are just management rejects from other Wally World stores.

Unknown Date - I believe it was January or February of 2000, when we received our first bomb threat. In no way do I promote or advise anyone to call in a bomb threat, it is a very serious offense and should not be done. However, when we received one and I was working in layaway at the time, it was pretty fun. I was on the clock and knew perfectly well that bomb threats happen all the time and the chances of it being real were slim to none. So I just calmly walked towards the front and watched the panicked customers try to figure out how they were going to get their precious merchandise home if they could not checkout. You would think that people would just evacuate....nope. They were more concerned about getting checked out then leaving the store. Some of them even continued to shop. I guess they thought there would be a "bomb threat blowout" sale or something. People give me a hard time for my hatred of children, but at least I don't continue to shop in a store during a bomb threat with them.

Random Thought -It is becoming apparent to me that a couple of old ladies in the snack bar do not like me very much.

Unknown Date - The department manager of the snack bar took it upon herself to inform me that I am in violation of the dress code because I wear shirts with "weird bands" on them. I guess I could wear a Garth Brooks shirt but not my Tool T-shirt?

Unknown Date - The hatred from the snack bar continues. They are making me wear a ridiculous dirty hat when I go into the snack bar because I have long hair, but they do not make any of the other CSM's wear it despite their long hair.

Unknown Date - Another snack bar incident occurred. This time an old lady made a big deal out of me bringing her $20 in quarters instead of $30 in quarters. It wasn't a big deal but she got bent out of shape and informed me that she "has the intelligence to figure things out for herself." I question this statement, and wonder how she reached that conclusion. If she was actually intelligent, what is she doing at her age still working? Even more, in a Wally World snack bar if she is so successful.

7-14-00 - The snack bar has closed and will not reopen until the new supercenter opens. This makes me very happy temporarily. For awhile, I was afraid of one of the old ladies turning me into a newt.

Random Thought -It has recently come to my attention that one of the cashiers I work with is the girl in American Pie, the one that always says "This one time, at band camp..." It has to be the same girl. I can't imagine two people on this earth being that annoying. When I originally posted this, I just thought it was about some annoying cashier. Little did I know the endless amount of stories she would provide me with to write. Even after leaving, I still get updates on the crazy shit she does and mind numbing babble that comes out of her mouth with an overbite. I have visited the store and don't recognize any of the cashiers anymore, with her as the one exception. She will certainly die a soldier of Wally World.

Unknown Date -Band camp girl offered me a homemade Smurf magnet. I politely declined. It took me a while to learn, but you can't be polite with Band Camp, she does not take hints. I stopped being polite eventually and learned to be short with her, and completely ignore her if possible. It's the only way to deal with her. I once thought that I should fight fire with fire and just talk to her about things she would find completely worthless. However, I decided against it, because I think she would just be thrilled someone was talking to her.

7-16-00 -Only a couple days of this Wally World left. Wally World couldn't close us down without sending us a few more psychos. Today I got my first glimpse of "the thing." The name tag says "Julie" but the face says "hey buddy, my name's bubba." I am 90% sure that Julie was a transvestite and if she/he read this it would kick my ass.

7-19-00 -Our new Wally World supercenter has opened and we have a visiting CSM from an area Wally World to help us out. This visiting CSM, who looks strikingly similar to Doogie Howser, has confirmed my theory that all visiting associates are other Wally World rejects. It was on this day that the flood gates opened and welfare recipients and trailer owning meth users began to frequent our store. It is bad at a regular Wally World, but once you throw in a grocery store so that people can use food stamps and WIC, you are opening up a whole new can of worms. I have no issues with WIC really, but a lot of their customers are dumb as shit, and when you get people that are dumb as shit, they are usually mean as shit too. Hey, it's not my fault if you can't figure out what kind of free cheese you can have. Stop bitching about shit you get for free.

7-20-00 -Today I had a customer argue a price with me. A toilet seat ringing up $14.88 was thought to be $7 by the customer. The hardware associate did a price check and confirmed it was, in fact, $14.88. The customer was not happy, so I did a price check myself only to find that the toilet seat was $14.88. The irate customer then proceeded to call me a "son of a bitch" and accused me of calling his wife a liar. After calling me more names and scaring the hell out of a cashier, he started poking me and attempted to knock the item out of my hand. Out of fear of being assaulted I left and let another associate handle the matter. Our temp CSM came to the rescue and not only adjusted the price down to $7, but took an additional $3 off for the inconvenience. So even though the customer was wrong and had caused a scene, called me vulgar names, and pushed me, he got the seat for $4. What would we do without the temp associates? To date, the only time I had been touched in an aggressive manner by a customer.

7-22-00 - I saw a commercial for Wally World on television today. I have to wonder where Wally World films their commercials. At our Wally World the associates never smile like that, and the merchandise is never perfectly setup like that. I have also never seen a customer point at price and smile as if posing for a family portrait. Whatever pills they are handing out on the set of the commercial, they need to have our greeters hand out at the door. At our Wally World customers come up to us and ask us things like "Do you work here?" I would consider it obvious when we are wearing a blue vest with a name tag. Unknown Date -Today was the temp CSM's last day with us. I was very sad and almost in tears. Thankfully, he left us a list of things that we could improve on so that we can strive to be as perfect as he. I never saw Doogie again. Last I heard, he was a salaried manager, but I don't know for sure. You know that kind of person that speaks there first sentence to you ever, and you instantly want to punch them no matter what it is that they have said? He is one of those people.

7-24-00 - Another customer complained to a co-worker of mine that our photo lab department should not be in the back of the store, and should instead be in the front. I'm glad she came and talked to us. Tomorrow I'm going to get the forklift and pick up the photo lab department and move it next to the entrance doors. At the old store, the photo lab was right next to the front doors. People are lazy.

Random Thought - I'm beginning to wonder about Wally World's decision to accept food stamps at our new supercenter. I'm not sure I'm intellectually equipped to deal with this new breed of people. Maybe Wally World is not really a business and is just some sort of sick sociology experiment. I think when I wrote that, I had no idea how much of an impact it really would have on the day to day events associated with being a CSM. All the stereotypes about food stamps are true. People buy shrimp and steak, and all kinds of shit I can't afford myself. I just have to find a way to get myself fired so I can get some unemployment, boink a couple of different sluts so they can pop out a couple of heathens, then just sit back and watch the government swoop in to pay for my expensive meals.

7-25-00 - The band camp girl continues to astonish me. After having a conversation with another female associate about working a lot of hours, she joined in by saying "oh I know, my husband just had his wisdom teeth removed." What this has to do with working a lot of hours is yet to be determined. I'm still not sure what she thought we were saying.

Unknown Date -A customer has recently expressed his concerns to me about our lack of a Nascar merchandise area. According to him, this is a serious issue that we need to look in to.

7-25-00 - After working without a day off for about 3 weeks, I'm trying to figure out how one might be able to successfully run a retail business without customers.

Unknown Date - Some people must have been born without brain cells. A customer had a fresh produce item that scanned at less money then what the posted sign in the department read. Most people would think "oh, good deal!" Not this woman, she demanded that the item be free since it rang up the wrong price, and not only this, she demanded that I give her money back, even though we were still ringing up her purchase and I had not received any money. She also informed me that her sister-in-law worked for a Wally World and that this practice was a company wide policy, but was a secret. I'm glad she told me, nobody would have told me about the "give em their money back even though they never actually gave you money" policy. I forgot to mention that I refuse to believe a company that employs over one million people could keep a secret. Especially the Wally World associates.

Random Thought -It's funny how many customers believe they know more about the policies then I do. Whenever I ask them where they hear about these outrageous ideas, I usually get the "my aunt Betty worked for a Wally World for a few months." Well, there is probably an excellent explanation as to why they only stayed with Wally World for a few months.

7-26-00 - A coworker of mine, also a CSM, was asked if we carried patches for waterbeds. He replied "I'm not sure but we can walk back to the domestics department and have a look." This sounds like a good way to handle a situation. Obviously the customer felt otherwise and called the CSM a "fucking retard" and walked away. I guess that it is his own fault for not knowing where each of our thousands and thousands of items are in this brand new store that opened only a week ago. Shortly before leaving the store, that same CSM was threatened by a large man who appeared to be out of his head. I was working electronics, and he was still a CSM, but I was at the registers working with DVDs when he approached me. I don't remember exactly what he said, but he told me that he was going to do something to the effect of chopping of his head with an ax. We never did find out why he was so angry.

7-29-00 -I was almost ran over by an old woman driving an electric cart today. I was walking down a main aisle when I noticed the old woman operating the cart on the opposite side of the aisle. She spotted me and turned 4 or 5 feet out of her way until she was directly facing me and came right at me. Because of my quick reflexes I escaped possible injury. There is a possibility that this was no accident and was an attempted hit on my life, possibly from the evil snack bar ladies.

7-29-00 - The same CSM that was called a "fucking retard" only a few days ago witnessed quite a scene today. A man was pretty upset that his check had been declined and needed to go out to his car to get some other form of payment. He insisted on taking the merchandise with him, so the CSM escorted him to his car. After reaching his car the man began to physically beat the hell out of his own vehicle by pounding on it with his fist. Apparently the vehicle was responsible for the declined check. Maybe he has a car like the one in Nightrider and it talks and spends money.

Unknown Date - Many months ago, when I was a cashier, a woman was going through a girl's line who happened to be next to my line. The woman and the female cashier struck up a conversation and the woman explained that it was her son's birthday that day and asked the cashier if she would like to see a picture. The cashier politely said "sure" and the woman proceeded to pull out a picture of a boy lying dead in a coffin.

7-29-00 - Tonight was a very busy night, so I ran a register for a short period of time. Until tonight, I was always bothered when someone at a grocery store asked me if I wanted paper or plastic bags, but now I understand why. At our Wally World Supercenter we only have plastic bags, I believe it's a decision based on cost and the environment's well being. Anyway, a customer was not very happy that we did not have paper bags. Here's our conversation as best as I can remember. Customer: "No honey, I need paper" Cashier: "I'm sorry, we only have plastic" Customer: [frustrated at this point] "I have to have paper, I'm not dealing with this plastic crap" Cashier: "Well that is all that's available" Customer: [sighs] Cashier: [thinking "what a bitch"] Customer: "Well, paper holds so much better than that plastic junk, and paper...." [proceeds to talk about how good paper is, and talks as if the cashier is responsible for the plastic bags] Cashier: [beginning to hope that this customer is not raising children] Due to several customers like this, the store manager eventually caved and got paper bags. I had a theory, which I have since confirmed to be a fact. If a customer asks for paper, they are a certified asshole. It never fails; they will be rude and picky about everything. I'm sorry that the happiness in their lives depends so much on the type of bag they get at the grocery store. It must feel good to be so important.

7-30-00 - Rumor has it that one of the two evil snack bar ladies has quit. This makes me very happy. The ratio of evil snack bar women to me has become a little more even.

8-2-00 - Breaking news concerning the evil snack bar ladies. Apparently one of them walked out in the middle of her shift. She quit because, according to her, "the CSMs are mean." Sadly enough, she came back anyway.

8-2-00 - After finding out about one half of the evil snack bar army being resurrected, I learned that the general of the snack bar's army (the department manager) was mean to another CSM. Apparently leaning over the counter to reach the keyboard is disruptive to the customers, despite the fact that there was a grand total of zero customers in line at that time.

8-3-00 - The hate is spreading. The snack bar has not only launched a full assault on me, but they are now launching attacks on a few of the other CSMs. With more support on my side now, I feel we can bring down Hitler - I mean the snack bar.

8-3-00 - I saw a pregnant woman with three kids verbally abusing her children today at the front checkouts. Why do people that can not appreciate their own kid(s) insist on having multiple children? I am beginning to understand the Chinese government.

8-3-00 - Today, I took the leader of the snack bar forces some change for their register and I am pretty sure I heard a "thank you." Frankly, I'm stunned. At first I thought the war may be over, but now I think it is just some new tactic for them to increase their forces.

Random Thought -I'm debating with myself on whether my job is torture or entertainment. Over time I realized that my torture is entertainment to other people.

8-4-00 - Today was an uneventful today. I just watched the people flow through the front checkouts; they are suffering from a disease called "consumerism."

8-5-00 - Another mysterious encounter with the snack bar today. Today I was working in the layaway department and one of the snack bar ladies came through my line. While I did not receive a thank you, I was not questioned about the content of my shirt, or the length of my hair. Why can't it always be like this?

8-6-00 - A customer left the store in a wheelchair, and despite two of our associates sprinting out across the parking lot in pursuit, they got away.

8-6-00 - After a customer had put some items in layaway, she returned to inform our layaway clerk that the socks she had put into layaway had rang up two cents more than what the sign said. They did a price check and assured the woman it rang up the right price and she got very upset. If you walked halfway out of the store and realized you could save two cents by walking to the back of the store again, would you?

8-7-00 - Pretty uneventful day today. Although there was one older man, upset about some things, did ask when the best time to blow up our store would be.

8-11-00 - Today it was brought to my attention that band camp girl actually comes into work two to three hours early sometimes to work on a puzzle that resides in the break room for bored associates.

8-12-00 - I was standing at our CSM podium today, where we store our money and other things we need. The podium is located right in the middle of our women's wear department in a main aisle. A customer came up and asked me if we sold clothes at our store. I was standing two feet in front of women's clothes, and 40 feet to either my left or right were more women's clothes. It's almost like she walked onto a beach and asked me if we had a body of water. Some people think I make crap like this up. Ask anyone who works in retail if they get asked similar questions. Probably anyone who serves the general public can tell you all about it.

8-12-00 - A woman was putting some items in to layaway, some of the items were folders. Some folders rang up at .27 cents and a couple others rang up at .65 cents. The .27 cent folders all had corporation logos on them (Coke, Nike, Disney...) and the ones that rang up .65 cents were "WWJD" (What Would Jesus Do) folders. The customer was confused on how to tell what folders were what prices so the clerk explained that only the folders with corporations on them were .27 cents. The lady then proceeded to claim that Jesus was a corporation. I'd like to invest in that stock because Jesus is pretty popular among Americans Random Thought - Today the Jesus stock (Symbol: JES) was crucified to 28 points, but was resurrected before the end of the day to a promising 32 points.

8-13-00 - Today I cut my hair. Previously it had been long, past my nose and black. Now it is about a 1/2 inch in length, and a banana yellow. We'll see what kind of comments I get from associates and customers.

8-14-00 - One of the mangers that we have acquired since opening the supercenter is really getting to me. He is some sort of manger, but nobody seems to know what he is a manager over or what specifically his job is. All anyone has seen the man do is walk around and talk to associates, and usually piss them off somehow. He talks down to the associates, and seems like a character straight out of the movie Office Space(A movie I highly recommend.) He also seems to use the words "all right" and "ok" more than any other human being alive. He can make a whole sentence containing 6 words, and 5 of the words are "ok" and "all right" yet somehow it makes sense. This guy is still with the company. He's still worthless.

8-14-00 - Band camp girl can be seen shopping everyday. Even on her days off she manages to buy cartloads of merchandise. One day she bought a cartload of things, then came back in later that night and purchased two cartloads of merchandise. The word "pathetic" comes to mind. Oh, and sorry guys, she's taken. Believe it or not, she is actually married. For awhile I thought she might be married to Corky from the show "life goes on" but I saw her husband not long ago, and surprisingly enough it wasn't him. Too bad though. Corky and her are really made for each other.

8-15-00 - While talking to "the wandering manager" I could actually see my words just bouncing off of him.

8-16-00 - Today the power went out for a few minutes. There was no need to panic however, the registers stayed opened and running so that people could continue to consume like mindless zombies.

8-16-00 -Our manager that just wanders around annoyed me again today. No matter what I may be doing when he approaches, he thinks that whatever he has to say is top priority. So if I have an angry customer to deal with on a register, and at the same time he needs to tell me about the cd he found that was in the wrong place, I have to listen to him talk about the cd before dealing with an upset customer. This behavior is similar to another manager I once knew who had a love for dillybars.

8-16-00 - If band camp girl tells me about having her nails done in the nail salon one more time I may have a violent reaction. She is on a level of annoying that you can never get used to.

8-25-00 - Drama among associates is intensifying.

8-28-00 - Despite asking nicely, I was denied the authorization to use excessive force on moronic associates. I'm still bitter about this decision.

8-28-00 - Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days at Wally World. Wally World is a lot like high school with gossip, relationships, and constant turmoil.

Random Thought -A few months back at the old store, a customer came back to the layaway department and wanted to get her layaway out and pay for it. She was asked for picture identification. She reached into her purse to get it and accidentally pulled out a joint that fell on the counter. She was embarrassed and we taped some of the crumbs that were still there to the counter to remind us that even Wally World shoppers use drugs. My image of Wally World shoppers from that day on was shattered. The lady shared the same last name as the county prosecutor. Not sure if they were related in any way. I'd like to think it was his wife, but who knows.

9-2-00 - I guess there was a department meeting today. It was for the "weirdo" department. While sitting in the break room with some friends, I happened to notice that one table consisted of three or four of the nuttiest, yet scary, Wally World associates. One was band camp girl who continues to shop at Wally World everyday. Another was a guy who finds that it is necessary to bring his walkman to work and show it off on his breaks. Not to mention he just has that face that seems to jump out at you and say "LOOK! I'M A CRAZY MAN!" Then there was the people greeter for our lawn and garden department that has no clue what is going on. She constantly tells customers the wrong information. I also suspect that she sniffs paint.

Random Thought -Our stockmen suck. Stockmen: Also known as cart pushers.

9-1-00 - Can someone tell me what the hell a cheese cloth is? I got a few e-mails from people describing this to me. However, it's been too long and I do not remember now.

9-2-00 - Apparently, I am not the only one who has a hatred for our wandering manager. Not only have I found other associates that can not tolerate him, I have yet to find one that likes him. This is the manager that the associates are supposed to go to when they have a problem or need some assistance. You would think that kind of position would be held by someone more likable. Maybe they intentionally did this so nobody would report problems and the management team could pretend that everything was working perfectly.

9-2-00 - Today, I would like to predict my own termination from Wally World. I predict it will be in the next 3 - 6 weeks. Well, so far I've been off by at least 5 years on this prediction.

9-3-00 - Today I came to the conclusion that instead of having a name tag that says "Customer Service Manager," I might as well get one that says "Complain to me I really like it."

9-6-00 - While I'm sitting here waiting to go to work, I realized how absolutely insane my job is. I have no idea whether I will deal with the consequences of a bomb threat today, watch an angry associate go off on a manager, encounter a customer who blames me for corporate policies, or watch an angry customer get out of control. Maybe more than one of those events will take place. There is no telling what lies ahead in today's adventure in the wacky world of Wally World.

9-6-00 - Here's a situation. There are two cashiers working right next to each other, cashier A has four people in line, cashier B has zero. Why do people insist on getting in cashier A's line?

9-6-00 -Today I got some business advice from a couple of the customers. One informed me that we need to keep an eye on Meijers if we want to compete in retail, as if I personally own the Wally World corporation (which by the way is rumored to be merging with the Jesus corporation.) Another customer informed me that our Wally World is going to go out of business because there are too many shopping carts in the parking lot, never mind the hundreds of thousands of dollars in sales we do each week, the carts will be the downfall of Wally World.

Random Thought - The gene pool needs a lifeguard.

9-8-00 - Today I had an encounter with a real psycho. While walking past some registers I saw a man with two eyes, each eye looking in completely different directions, and appeared to be looking in my direction despite the fact that his eyes were pointed about everywhere. Not only did he look crazy, when he looked at me he started laughing like "heyuck heyuck HEYUCK!" and he repeated this. My laughter was uncontrollable.

9-9-00 - While on the way to the electronics department with another associate, we were stopped by two customers. These customers apparently spoke English but it certainly did not sound like they did. The first time they said something to us, I thought they were speaking Spanish, the second time I did happen to pick up that he was mentioning something about a paintball gun. After a few more attempts to make himself more clear, it appears he was going to shoot a girl in the ghetto with his paintball gun.

9-9-00 - There is a new drink we have at Wally World that is called a "chubby." Making a joke, I said I had given a lady with food stamps a "chubby." Little did I know that this would be my downfall.

9-9-00 -My tolerance for managers that do not know what they are talking about, yet tell us how to do our job, is at zero. Crap from management with little signs of intelligence will no longer be tolerated and may result in my eventual termination.

9-9-00 -A lovely aroma of sewage has been appearring once in awhile, but it is ok because it is mostly in the grocery section and I do not work there. This may have a direct impact on the number of grocery items we sell, which could result in less customers. The smell could have a positive impact on my job.

Random Thought -I work for a corporate whore.

9-10-00 - I usually look at Wally World with humor, but it is quickly changing to anger and bitterness.

9-10-00 - If one more customer comes up to me and says, "Working hard, or hardly working?" I am going to projectile vomit in their face.

9-11-00 - Anger and bitterness towards my job continues to grow out of control. It's just a downward spiral that never ends.

9-12-00 - I have the day off and it is currently about 9pm. I am scheduled to work tomorrow, however taking my box knife and slicing a few lines in my throat and jamming a lit cigar into it sounds a little more civilized then going to the window to our world, the one that we call Wally World.

9-13-00 - mmm... heroin.

9-13-00 - I think Wally World turned the vacuum up one level, you know, the one that sucks the souls out of the associates? Random Thought -I wonder what happened to Bob "Whats the Dilly Yo" Fatterson. I bet he quit Wally World for a management job with Dairy Queen.

9-13-00 - I think we should be able to reserve the right to deny any customer that smells like raw sewage service. I also think that we shouldn't have to help stupid people, but then I would get pretty bored.

9-14-00 - Today is my day off, but I am going to Wally World anyway so that I can pick up my check. The hours of torture and humiliation finally pay off, somewhat at least. Back then I was making somewhere in the neighborhood of $5.65 an hour. I have since doubled that and it still isn't enough.

9-16-00 - I think a jackass customer is soon going to feel the effects of my severe psychosis.

9-17-00 - Today some unknown Wally World associate ran up to me while I stood with some other associates, and she started yelling and repeating herself, "Page out 'Y' to the bathroom, Page out 'Y' to the bathroom." We stared blankly at each other while this unknown associate seemed very panicked. After repeating herself several times and even using her hands to draw a "Y" in the air, I came to the realization that this lady was a retard and what she meant was to call out a "code white" which means that someone has been injured. The injury was in the women's rest room so I could not see it for myself, so I sent in a female cashier to see what was going on. She came back and said that the same lady that wanted us to page out for "Y" was in there with the injured woman and ran up to her screaming "A CHAIR! A CHAIR! A CHAIR!" like a skipping cd. Wally World only hires the finest and most qualified people to work at their wonderful stores. I myself had paged for a code white about four times, and other associates had paged out code white several times also, this means management is supposed to immediately report to the scene and handle the situation. This was not the case, management could not be found. While me and other associates paged several times for a manager, an elderly woman was injured and laying in her own urine. Where is Bob and Alfredo to handle a code white when you need them?

9-22-00 Let the wonderful Capitalismas season begin! Uhh, I mean Christmas.

9-23-00 - The wandering manager could be heard on the phone saying "Well aint that a bitch." This was followed by extensive apologies for using foul language. According to one witness he even turned red he was so embarrassed that he used such language in front of his little puppets, I mean associates.

9-23-00 - Introducing the brand new ELTON JOHN doll available at your local Wally World store. This is the official Elton John doll and comes with a microphone, great clothes, and it even sings. Did I mention that one of the lyrics this doll sings is "It was the biggest dick I ever got" and if you do not believe me, which many do not, please go to your local Wally World, go to the toy department and listen for yourself. The song is for Crocodile Rock, and the lyric is actually "kick" but certainly doesn't sound like it. Maybe it was the quality of the audio coming out of the doll, or some sort of prank, but it was definitely saying "dick."

9-24-00 - With the Christmas season underway, in the retail world anyway, the layaway department is beginning to boom with business. Before my job at Wally World, I never thought I'd have to worry about someone having an orgasm in front of me because I said that Christmas layaways had begun.

9-26-00 - Today I realized that Band Camp Girl iss MIA. I have not spotted her working or shopping at Wally World in over seven days. This is some kind of record. After pondering the possible things that could have happened, I realized that it could be many reasons. She could be on vacation, could have been terminated or quit. However, I think the most logical explanation is that she overdosed on annoyance and drove herself insane.

9-26-00 - After long exposure to whiteout I got some kind of buzz from it. I wonder if Wally World will try to charge me for that, I doubt they would let me get high for free.

9-26-00 - Maybe band camp girl is at band camp.

9-27-00 - Much to my disappointment, Band Camp Girl was sighted today on register #32, putting all rumors of her employment status to rest. The party celebrating her disappearance has been canceled.

9-27-00 - A customer approached me today and asked me to point her in the direction of a poshle. Confused as to what she was talking about, I replied "a what?" and she again said "you know, a poshle." I was very confused at this point and asked her what a poshle did and what the purpose of one was. She told me that they were for kids to put together. I thought for a moment and I asked "a puzzle?" and her reply was "yeah, a poshle, where are they?" I'm WAY underpaid. This is not as bad as when people say "pitchers" but really mean "pictures." Don't get me started on that. If you're one of those fucks, I hate you. Band Camp says "pitchers." Chew on that for awhile hillbilly fucks.

9-28-00 - What night of work would be complete without seeing Band Camp Girl working at the beginning of your shift and then shopping, with 2 cart loads of merchandise, at the end of it. I'm pretty sure she is an impulsive shopper and is pretty deep in debt. She's a credit company's wet dream.

9-30-00 - The Wandering Manager was on a terrorisstic rampage today. This is the most annoying man you will ever encounter. He walks like a penguin, he laughs extremely hard at his own terrible jokes, and he constantly states the obvious. For Example, if someone dropped some food on the floor he would come by and say "that needs cleaned up" as if we could not figure that out on our own.

9-30-00 - A customer came to layaway today and wanted to know if we had a box she could put her lawn mower in. This would be a problem because her lawn mower was assembled. "Sure, we have a box for that, would you like one for your car too?"

9-30-00 - The Wandering Manager continues to astonish us all with his lack of knowledge. Despite his own opinion, this guy is the biggest dipshit I have ever seen. While he thinks he is the Wally World savior, I think he is the Wally World demon.

9-30-00 - That lovely aroma of raw sewage has reappeared in the grocery department.

9-30-00 - Band camp girl appeared again today and managed to wave her hand in my face and I almost reacted. Had I reacted I would have been terminated. Nobody likes hands waved in their face, especially Band Camps. I should great restraint that day.

9-30-00 - I could not leave work tonight without one more encounter with the demon. After a long and busy night of busting my ass, some overnight CSMs showed up at 10pm. I was scheduled until 11pm, and at 10:50pm I asked the other CSMs if it was ok if I went home and they said it wasn't a problem because the work was caught up and at this point I was not doing anything. So thinking my night was over, I headed to the back and clocked out. On my way out Demon saw me and started tapping his watch at me. I asked him "what?" and he said "what time is it?" and I said "10 till 11." With a look of frustration he added "when are you scheduled to leave?" and I said "11." So he gave me a whole lecture about how I needed to be there until 11pm if that is what I was scheduled. I tried explaining to him that all the work was done and everything, but his only response was "Well who do you work for?" I eventually cut him off with a "whatever" and walked away in the middle of his meaningless speech, and I'm sure I'll hear about it later. It is kind of funny that earlier in the week we were told to cut as many hours as possible, and now I am getting lectured for leaving 10 minutes early. I never did get in to any shit for that incident.

10-3-00 - Only one Demon sighting today and it involved a very bad look. I bet he's the only demon that has ever walked like a penguin.

10-3-00 - The highlight of the day was a rather psycho customer. A man came in and used one of our electric carts and he was driving around the front registers on it for awhile and finally he came up to me and frantically said "SIR! SIR!" and I replied "Can I help you?" Still talking frantically, he asked "Do you remember the lone ranger?" I'm only 19 and the show was a little before my time, but I do know who the lone ranger is, so I said "yes, I remember the lone ranger." Then he asked me "do you know what he did with his trash?" I was pretty puzzled at this point, and I just said "what?" and he just repeated himself, still frantically, "what did he do with his trash?" I thought for a second and finally said "I have no idea" and he quickly starting bouncing in his electric cart and singing "HE TOOK IT TO THE DUMP TO THE DUMP TO THE DU DU DUMP TO THE DUMP TO THE DUMP TO THE DU DU DUMP" to the tune of the lone ranger theme song. I couldn't help but laugh, and away he went.

10-3-00 - A few minutes after the lone ranger incident, I witnessed the same man trying to run over our stockman with his cart, it was very deliberate and the stockman barely escaped the wrath of a speeding electric cart.

10-3-00 - The lone ranger guy is at it again. This time he was driving past a shelf of bananas and grabbed one bunch of them, and threw them on the ground. Then he backed his cart up, drove over the bananas with his cart, picked the bananas back up and placed them neatly back on the shelf. Meanwhile, I could be seen laughing hysterically.

10-3-00 - Just when you thought it was safe. . . I was walking to our CSM podium and was walking in front of a register and out of nowhere the lone ranger man and his cart turned the corner and came after me. You may think I'm joking, sadly, I am not. I just moved to the side but so did he and he tried to run me over, while he laughed the entire time like a madman. Regardless of his persistence, I escaped injury.

10-3-00 - This just doesn't end. Lone Ranger man was escorted to the Sporting Goods department by our stockman to look at knives, and he mentioned to the stockman "The judge said I really can't be holding these knives, because I'm a convicted felon." Then he said "it doesn't matter anyway, I already have one" and this crazy man pulled out his own personal knife. I saw the lone ranger man a couple more times soon after this day, but I have not seen him in almost 5 years now.

10-3-00 - Maybe we should perform background checks at the door. That probably wouldn't work though, because then most of our associates, including management, would be turned away.

10-7-00 - Today I was informed that some customer thought that I was cute or something. The cashier that told me this claims the girl was cute. So using my own supreme logic, I assumed that every girl that came in the rest of the night between the ages of 16 and 19 wanted me.

10-9-00 - Today one of our cashiers brought in a photo album. This was not just ANY photo album. Lets paint the picture of this cashier first She is pretty dumb, pretty annoying, and last but definitely not least, she is extremely unattractive. Ok, back to this photo album. This photo album did not contain family pictures, or pictures of a vacation, it contained pictures of this cashier giving birth. Although I did not see the pictures for myself, for if I had I would probably be too traumatized to type, the pictures were X-rated and definitely not Wally World appropriate. It was so serious that a manager called her back to explain to her that it was not appropriate material for the work place. Being the extremely intelligent person she is, the cashier went into a frenzy and threw things and eventually got herself fired. I just hope she took the pictures with her and that it was not left in the break room or something for some poor unsuspecting sucker to find.

10-14-00 - I saw an old man wearing rainbow suspenders today. Sometimes old confused people can be annoying AND funny at the same time.

10-14-00 - Do you know that warm fuzzy feeling youu get inside when you help someone and it makes their entire day? I know I don't.

10-15-00 - Demon was on a rampage today. Today he ran a cash register since it was very busy, and I can honestly say it was like watching a dildo scan items, it was quite amusing.

10-15-00 - Ignoring all common sense and logic, Demon tried to make me close down our courtesy desk and layaway department so the associates working in those departments could run cash registers. I tried to talk some sense into him, and he finally got tired of arguing. In one aspect I won because we kept the courtesy desk and layaway departments open. On the other hand I lost, because my manager is still a complete moron.

10-15-00 - I think we should rename our store from Wally World to "Mullets 'R Us." I used to think mullets were totally uncool, but now I just realize that they are hilarious. If you don't know what a mullet is, head on over to Mullets Galore and you'll get the idea.

10-15-00 - Some Asian guy was head banging and there was no music and nobody around him. I think he was on crack.

10-17-00 - Iím sad to say that it appears we have another cashier that is similar to band camp girl. The major difference is that this lady is pretty confused and talks a lot slower and repeats herself constantly. I could run laps around the store before she gets out a complete sentence. Yelling "Spit it out grandma!" seems to be the appropriate thing to do, but she would probably just say "spit what out?"

10-18-00 - Once upon a time there was a customer. The customer purchased only two items, a pack of condoms and a cucumber. Wait a minute. That really happened.

10-19-00 - I have just realized that through some secret aging process, that "The Wandering Manager", aka "Demon", is actually Doogie the temporary CSM from a few months ago.

10-19-00 - There is a lot of drama at Wally World. I'm sure I could write a book, movie script, or even a great sitcom based on the events that I encounter everyday.

10-19-00 - Today I realized that I had not seen the two evil snackbar ladies for several weeks. I think that they may be regrouping for a second assault.

10-19-00 - Lots of new associates are currently in the process of being hired for holiday help. I'm sure I'll meet some fascinating new people.

10-23-00 - Help keep America beautiful. Go kill yourself.

10-24-00 - Some people would buy the hint that when they are the only ones to laugh at their own jokes, that they are not funny and should stop trying to be funny. Not Demon, oh no, he laughs his annoying little laugh at his dumb little jokes all day. Demon is like a demented Mr. Rogers in a way, and it wouldn't surprise me if he talked to puppets either.

10-24-00 - Today started my run of six straight days working. Suicide seems to be an option that is becoming more and more promising with some great benefits.

10-24-00 - I wonder if the lone ranger man will be back soon, I need a good source of entertainment.

10-24-00 - Some bitch made one of our competent and nice cashiers (yeah, we have a couple of those, but they are few and far between) cry. This is only the second time I have witnessed a customer making a cashier cry, see the 7-20-00 update.

10-24-00 -Friends don't let friends have mullets.

10-24-00 - Today I was informed that some members of management know about my web site. However, I would like to point out that I love ALL members of management, excluding demon of course, and that I LOVE Wally World. I'd also like to say that I was wrongfully accused of sabotaging the Wally World cheer. In the Wally World cheer there is a part where everyone yells "WHO'S NUMBER ONE!" and supposedly I yelled "Target" but you can't prove it, and I'll deny I ever did it.

10-24-00 - This doesn't have much to do with anything current, but I have to talk about the Wally World cheer. Frankly, it is sick, ritualistic and is strikingly similar to cult like activities. I was never a cheerleader and never got excited about too many things, especially Wally World. Ok people, if sales are up 15% why do you get all excited? You have been brainwashed, unless you're getting some commission type check that I don't know about. While we were setting up the new store the Wally World meetings involved the Wally World cheer, stomping, yelling, clapping, and even dancing. The Wally World cheer will probably have a direct result of me seeking therapy down the road.

10-25-00 - Wally World has started a new thing called "Wally World Television." Basically, it is a brainwashing device. What they do is they hook up a bunch of televisions that hang from the ceiling throughout the store and it just broadcasts commercials. To the average customer it is just a regular television with commercials. To me, it is a form of torture. I hear the same thing over and over and over again. I am becoming extremely suicidal. You would be too if you had to listen to Wally World commercials, Disney commercials, and Barney songs all day long.

10-25-00 - Just when you thought it could not get any worse, it does. If you have read the previous updates, you know that Band Camp Girl has a husband, Mr. Band Camp. Mr. Band Camp came in for an interview today. The man left a higher paying job at a hospital to pursue a career at Wally World, which is sickening enough, but there is more. Rumor has it, Band Camp Girl was going home and telling Mr. Band Camp about Wally World all the time. This disturbs me greatly. I can not hardly stand to hear her say two sentences, but this guy listens to it all day long, and now wants to work with her all day long too. We live in an extremely sick society.

Unknown Date - I guess I forgot to include this back when I first started the site, but it has been brought to my attention that I never posted it, so here goes. When we still worked at the old Wally World store and we had a temporary management team while our regular managers worked on our current store, I had a brief encounter with Rob "what's the dilly yo?" . I had just closed down a cashier so that she could go home and I turned around and there he stood, Rob himself. He looked at me disapprovingly and I knew something wasn't good. For whatever reason, I wasn't in too good of a mood that day and I had never cared much for Rob. Rob stared at me and asked "Aren't there any registers open?" Thinking "what a dumb question" because it was around 5 or 6pm and obviously we were open I responded sarcastically and rudely, "No Rob, we closed ALL the registers" and looked at him like he was a moron and then I turned and walked away. A short time later, like 5 seconds, I realized I had just been a not so nice person to our store manager, and that probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.

10-25-00 - The Playstation 2 was to come out tonight at midnight. There is a lot of excitement over this new $300 gaming console, and there is a very limited supply of it. Our Wally World store received 48 PS2 units. By around 7pm, we had over 50 people lined up waiting to get a PS2 at midnight. A customer came back to layaway, who had not been in line at all at this point, and demanded that we put a Playstation 2 in layaway for her now because she had to work in the morning and couldn't stay up that late. After taking a few seconds to imagine beating this woman senseless with a stick, I explained to her that it just was not fair to the people waiting in line. I just overlooked the fact that she was better and more important than all of those other people in line.

10-26-00 - According to a customer, "VEGGIE TALES RULE!" Last time I dealt with any vegetables, a guy had bought one cucumber and pack of condoms.

10-29-00 - Demon spends a whole lot of time at Wally World. We have decided that he is just a robot programmed by Wally World and the only time he leaves is when he needs to go charge up his battery.

10-29-00 - A little kid doesn't like one or our female CSMs. The little boy stared at her and repeatedly called her a "fucker." It's so refreshing to see little children expand their vocabulary.

11-1-00 - Someone put a layaway in today with two separate names on the account, the names were Ryder and Beaver. So, on our computer it appears as the "Ryder/Beaver" account, I don't know how we will keep from laughing when they come in to pick their stuff up.

11-1-00 - A customer wanted help in sporting goods today and could not find an associate to help him. So he found a phone on the sporting goods counter and hit the page button. It's really funny to hear a guy page, especially when he really doesn't know what he's doing.

11-1-00 - Despite a lot of begging, Demon still works at Wally World. I have tried everything, I've asked other managers to fire him, contemplated other extreme measures, but nothing will work. Maybe I should call his house and claim to be K-Mart and offer him his own store out in Colorado, then maybe he would quit.

11-4-00 - I am secretly awaiting the return of the lone ranger man.

11-5-00 - Demon will now be known as "Master Of The Obvious" because of his great talent to point out what is completely obvious to any moron.

11-5-00 - There is something that is hilarious about a guy that comes out of the mens bathroom with a big red bump on his head and says to you "you might want to put up a wet floor sign in there."

11-6-00 - I'm sorry, but if you can not correctly spell the state you live in, you should NOT be allowed to purchase a gun.

11-7-00 - Singing is coming from the restrooms. I'm scared.

11-7-00 - Here's a tip, if you value items you are putting into layaway, do not make requests as to how it is packaged, remarks about damaging or losing it. Chances of these events occurring greatly increase when you ask about them. My imaginary conversation: Customer: "Are you going to scratch that? or lose it?" Me: "Yes, yes we are, so do not even bother putting it in layaway, because only bad things are going to happen to it!" Is this what they expect us to say?

11-11-00 - I haven't figured it out yet, and this may sound mean, but I think today was "mutant day" at Wally World. Every time I turned around there was some really messed up person. Some had no legs, others had no arms, some had abnormal growths on their face.

11-12-00 - Not only are prices falling, so is merchandise. A George Foreman Grill fell out of a layaway bin and hit a layaway associate on the head.

11-12-00 - Satan put a layaway in today.

11-12-00 - When band camp girl thinks too hard her eyes roll back in her head. I think she's actually trying to look at her brain for answers.

11-12-00 - The Master Of The Obvious was at it again. Once again declaring that he was right and just the mere thought of questioning his authority is out of the question.

11-13-00 - At it again, Captain Obvious thinks we should place packages over where people sit. Not that it is a hazard or anything, since layaway packages never fall out of the bins.

11-15-00 - A customer in layaway was asked to fill out a form containing basic information such as a name, phone number and address so that she could start a layaway. How many people does it take to spell a name? The answer in this case is three. When she saw that she had to write her name she asked her friends for assistance, who weren't exactly sure, but thought it was "L, ummm... then I think E, no wait! It's I" and eventually she correctly spelled "LISA." Not only did they have difficulty spelling one girls name, and I'm not sure the last name was spelled correctly, they put there area code down as their zip code, and their phone number only had six digits. They'll probably be back tomorrow to buy a gun or something. These people are great examples of why abortion should stay legal.

11-26-00 - Today I saw a mullet touched by god himself. It was a magnificent sight.

11-26-00 - Captain Obvious put in a layaway today. I was under the impression that Wally World managers made hundreds of thousands of dollars and did not need layaway.

11-26-00 - Captain Obvious informed me today that women can not be trusted and that is why you should have a lot of them. A little puzzled by his statement, I asked him if he had a wife and he responded "yes, but I do not trust her and she does not trust me, and she shouldn't trust me." *cough*bullshit*cough* This guy couldn't pick up a hooker with a suitcase full of money and a bottle of Viagra. Isn't Wally World supposed to be a family oriented store anyway?

11-27-00 - The lone ranger man made a stop in to Wally World today. I did not speak to him, but I did see him in the parking lot riding around in his wheelchair that has a big orange flag on it, he must think he is in some kind of race or something.

11-28-00 - Today we all got to go unload some live Christmas trees. Of course, it was total chaos. They were delivered in a flatbed truck, and the only thing holding them on the truck were a few two by fours. So, we climbed up on the truck, which was like five feet high, then probably an additional six feet to get on top of all the trees. Then we chucked them over the side and hoped everyone got out of the way. The truck driver was a total retard, he may have been related to band camp girl now that I think about it. He pretty much just stood around and watched and his ass just got fatter. I almost hit him with a tree, but I missed by only inches. I'll get him next time.

11-28-00 - I never thought I'd see a human and a tree in a boxing match. The human won, I think it had something to do with the tree not being able to fight back. Getting the trees off the truck was a painful process, and we literally could have been seriously hurt because we were pretty high off the ground with nothing to stop us from falling off the stack of trees. So after we finally pulled down the last tree, our manager (I'll call him GQ) grabbed a hold of the tree and beat the living hell out of it. Then GQ let obscenities pour out of his mouth like he was a WWF Wrestler talking trash about another wrestler. The tree was like that slab of meat in the rocky movie. The only thing we were missing was Eye Of The Tiger playing in the background.

11-29-00 - Look people, Wally World is not the onlly store in this area. If you think Target has a better policy or price on something, then go there. Don't come to Wally World and tell me "Well Target lets me do this!" Well then go to fucking Target. Do these people smoke crack or something?

11-30-00 - Someone please make the screaming children go away, or die or something.

11-30-00 - Layaway is like a big jungle gym for adults, its kind of cool when you think about it. At Christmas time the layaway items people put in flood the back hallways, and are stacked to the ceiling. It gets a bit hazardous and you must perform some wacky stunts to get your work accomplished.

11-30-00 - I was going to put something here about one our interns, but I won't give them the satisfaction.

11-30-00 - Pushing carts in the parking lot is a dangerous job when old ladies that can't see over the steering wheel are driving thirty foot vehicles. Thank god they drive slow so I have time to get out of the way, because they never look. However, if one did manage to get me it would be extremely painful because it would take five minutes to drive all the way over me.

12-2-00 - Some crack cocaine off the street - $10 One street whore - $25 The look on demon's face when you call someone a crackwhore - Priceless. I was talking about an ex-girlfriend and he walked up at the right moment.

12-3-00 - It has been brought to my attention that Band Camp girl often talks about her own personal sex life. This is wrong. Very Wrong. What can be done? The thought of her reproducing is sickening, and it is a thought that I just can not deal with. Maybe we can slip some birth control in her food just to be safe.

12-8-00 - The Master of the Obvious warned me a few times today to stop climbing the bins. Then I caught him spying on me in the bins. I think next time I see him doing it, I'll pretend not to see him and act like a schizophrenic and yell at myself, and smack myself in the face and pretend to cry, that should keep him away for awhile.

12-9-00 - I don't want anything for Christmas this year. Just knowing that I'm helping all these wonderful people at Wally World is enough for me.

12-9-00 - Apparently, according to a customer, I need to get my shit together, because they were buying a newspaper and were charged 5% sales tax. It came out to be eight cents, and instead of paying $1.58, they just stormed out swearing. I work at Wally World and eight cents is not that big of a deal. They must dance naked for nickels or something.

12-9-00 - Thank god for the cookie intern, without her I would starve. She brings me free crackers and cookies that give me the nutrition I need to deal with white trash customers. Every store should have a cookie intern.

12-10-00 - Today was one of the greatest days of my life. While standing at the CSM podium looking at the schedule, I looked up and there he was. Him and three colleagues, walking in my direction, I was so stunned that I did not even say anything to him. A few seconds later, he was gone, but I knew he was still in the store. So I eagerly awaited his return to the front of the store. Seconds went by, then minutes, then several minutes, I thought I had missed my once in a lifetime opportunity. Then I saw him. He was walking in my direction and I got nervous, but I knew I had to say it. Finally he got close enough and I looked at him, he looked at me, and the words just came out of my mouth, "What's the Dilly Rob?" I actually did it. I got to say "What's the Dilly" to Rob "what's the dilly yo" once again. My joy could not be contained.

12-11-00 - A layaway customer needed a shopping cart today and we did not have any in the back to give him. So, he left to "go jack another guyís cart." I wish I could have seen it. Maybe they should make a game called Grand Theft Cart. No? Sorry, I'll stop now.

12-13-00 - Milton, while speaking very loudly on the layaway pay phone packed full of associates and customers, let it be known that he had a "case of the runs." Milton was a short little gnome looking guy with red hair like a clown. He stuttered a bit and was quite a weird little man. One of the worst cart pushing associates ever, he eventually got fired or quit or something.

12-13-00 - According to crazy telecommunications man, you should drive faster when there is snow on the ground. His reasoning is that the friction creates more heat and thus making it a safer drive. He told us about all the cars he passed while speeding down the road, when normal people feared to even be on the roads.

12-14-00 - My boss was working with us in layaway today and for some unknown reason decided to start dancing. She will now be forever known as the "butt dance boss."

12-14-00 - The resurrection of the Anti-Christ lady! You can read about this lady on the 8-12-00 update. Well she came back. She came in and requested a manager to speak with concerning the exact same incident that was posted on this site, which happened over four months ago. I don't think she is a good Christian, I thought Jesus© taught forgiveness. She was complaining about one of the associate's who was involved in the incident.

12-15-00 - I was sexually harassed by an older lady with a kid. After helping her out with her merchandise and loading it into her van for her, she slapped me on the butt and said "thanks baby." Currently, the only time a customer has ever smacked me on the ass that I can recall.

12-15-00 - Someone came to pickup their layaway, and we loaded there stuff into the back of a truck for them. We just had to maneuver the merchandise around the dead animals that were in the back.

12-16-00 - Yet another layaway pickup experience. Today two customers, I'll call them Bo and Luke, came to pick up their layaway with a truck, and when Bo was asked to move a metal block in the back of the truck by Luke, Bo replied that he couldn't reach it. Luke proceeded to call Bo a "Son of a Bitch" and a "Lazy Motherfucker." The hostile words continued to fly as we walked back into the store.

12-16-00 - The bell ringers for the Salvation Army are getting more and more creative. Those bastards will do anything for a penny or two. One kid used a trumpet instead of a bell and played Christmas music, and an older couple sang Christmas carols. However, the older lady was yelling at the older guy about being out of key. 'Tis the season.

12-17-00 - Nothing too exciting happened today. We screwed up some layaways, helped America feed their addiction to consume, and even saw a few mullets. All in all, not a bad day.

12-18-00 - A girl that appeared to be around the age of four was touching herself in inappropriate places, and in an inappropriate way, over and over again.

Random Thought - With my hostility running at an all time high, I am not sure I can keep my words on this site under control and I may have to start hurting feelings. Maybe that will make me feel better.

12-19-00 - "Sheeeitt, if weez just turns that sunsabitch like dis, dat motherfucker 'll sit in der." - Customer now attempts to put large item into small space and fails. - Customer now lights cigarette. "SSSheeit" - Customer examines situation and attempts to brainstorm. - "Sheeit man, I tellya what, if I move that fuckin seat and and move that shit over, we might jus be able to jam that damn motherfucker right in der." - After causing additional damage to an already beat up vehicle, the customer stands proud and asks "Hey man, you guys got any rope?"

12-20-00 - Today a customer wearing a NASCAR coat and a nice mullet yelled at me. He was mad about some issues concerning food stamps (yes it is true, sometimes people with mullets are poor, I know it is hard to believe.) He yelled at me and said swear words and lowered my self-esteem. Hopefully he died in a fiery automobile accident on the slippery drive home. I won't let one bad apple spoil everything though, I think citizens with mullets are generally good people.

12-21-00 - Wally World is not funny or amusing anymore. I'm hostile, and I am very bitter. My job sucks. I am the Wally World bitch and it is no fun, I am used, abused, and underpaid. In a single day I can, and have, run layaway by myself, cashiered, been a CSM, pushed carts, and worked on the floor, and I get nothing more than a regular associate who does less work. Wally World is an evil corporation that is headed by Satan himself. By combining precise marketing with white trash, ignorance, arrogance, and complete lack of intelligence, Wally World has become one of the largest and most powerful companies in the world. My tolerance for associates is even running extremely low, some of the associates freak out and act like nuclear war is imminent or something. I do not know how much longer I can remain employed here. I now know the answer to that, and it is sad.

12-21-00 -I keep waiting for Band Camp Girl's eyes to get stuck when she's rolls them into the back of her head to think. That would be really cool, because then she couldn't see and if she would not shutup about something I could just hit her and blame it on someone else.

Random Thought - This really is not worth it. I am just going to stop caring and if they want me to do something that I do not want to do, I just will not do it. If they want they can fire me or do whatever it is that they need to do. Most of management sucks, except for the cookie intern of course and the intern I refuse to mention on this page, GQ is a pretty cool guy, and even the store manager is a pretty good guy. Ok, I guess most of them are pretty fair, but some of them just suck ass through a straw.

Random Thought - I wonder what this world would be like without mullets. Would it still function? Would we want to live in a world without mullets? What if the mullet is extinct in a few years? These are the questions I ask myself everyday.

12-21-00 - Some of the associates really should look into investing in a toothbrush. Although, I think they may be aware of their breath problem and it may be intentional. Some of the people that have bad breath seem to actually have the ability to target certain people and have a pretty long range. It is like a perfectly ok tactic to use to keep away associates and customers. I may have to look into this. Maybe that is what I need to do, but I would need some serious practice to get that kind of aim and such a long range.

12-24-00 - Watch out for falling children. Why? Beecause watching children injure themselves is pretty funny.

12-28-00 - One of our female managers is either addicted to smack, or has a brain the size of a pea.

12-31-00 - Quite possibly my best experience at Wally World, ever, has happened. There was a pool table that had been returned; apparently it tilted a little too much in one direction. So it had to be destroyed. Usually when things need to be disposed of, we throw them in the trash compactor, but a pool table is quite large. This is where it gets fun. Our job was to make it smaller, using excessive force. So with our hammers, sledge hammers, crowbars, and unreleased anger, we beat the living hell out of a pool table. Some associates pretended that the table was Demon. We also had the pleasure of destroying a chair. Next time I'm hoping we get to destroy a customer, which is the only thing that could top destroying a pool table.

1-1-01 - Headaches, Hangovers, and Customers, oh my.

1-1-01 - Ok, god dammit. Lets get this straight, for all the customers that think they're cute and funny, they're not. When something will not scan or ring up, if you say "...must be free then! ha ha " it is NOT, I repeat, it is NOT funny. We hear it thirteen billion times a day. Also, you are NOT the only person in the universe that is having a hard time writing the 01 on your check instead of 00 for the New Year. I don't want to hear about your day to day struggle with writing 01 instead of 00 on your check, for the love of god please stop!

1-2-01 - Well the holidays are officially over. People can stop pretending to care about their families and buying gifts for friends, and get back to the reality that they do not care about anyone but themselves.

1-2-01 - It's return city at Wally World. People are bringing back all the worthless crap that people bought for them. We're letting people return just about anything too. If you bring in pocket lint, we'll probably give you a $10 gift card, unless you have the receipt with you, you can get cash back.

1-8-01 - I saw a guy today wearing a big cowboy hat and a red bandana around his neck. I waited for him to tell me to take ten paces north, turn, and draw, but it never happened. I think if I had talked to him though he would have said "ya'll." I also have to wonder if there was a badass mullet under his badass cowboy hat.

1-8-01 - I'm nominating myself to be the next Wally World whore.

1-8-01 - I had to cashier for a few minutes today because it got kind of busy. So I got on a random register without paying too much attention, which was my first mistake. After a few customers, there was no line, so I redlined (redlining is walking out to the end of your aisle to wait for more customers.) Then it happened, out of nowhere. While waiting at the end of my aisle patiently for more customers, it came up from behind for a surprise attack. Then it happened before I knew what was going on, kind of like a car crash. "Uhh, Hi Scott!" I turned around and there it was and there was nowhere for me to run or hide. I had to stand there and take it. So there I stood, me and Band Camp Girl. What she said is kind of a mystery because it was so stupid and pointless that after a few seconds the thoughts of homicide overcome your mind. I prayed for customers so that I could go back to my register, but there were none. I stood there and was tortured by the high pitched voice of Band Camp Girl, and of course there were the random acts of her eyes rolling back in her head when she had to think too hard. This went on for minutes. There is no God.

1-10-01 - I was overjoyed to see a recipe card that the "Kinky Cashier" found on how to prepare a mullet in thirty minutes. However, it was just a recipe on how to prepare fish mullets, not hair mullets. I wonder if our state has a state fish, because I'm going to write my state governor and request that it be the mullet.

1-10-01 - Lately, as I watch the customers stroll by, I imagine myself hitting them from behind with a heavy object in the head. It is the only thing that gets me through the day. Well, mullet watching helps too.

1-10-01 - SPEEDWALKING MIDGETS! It just does not get any better than this.

1-11-01 - Donít buy food at Wally World. Some little kid, probably like three or four years old, was walking down the grocery aisle and had his hand down his pants and appeared to be playing with himself. It looked like he was having a good time.

1-11-01 - This is an actual transcript of a brief phone conversation that took place today. Intercom: "CSM pick up the call on line one" Scott: "This is Scott the CSM, how can I help you?" Caller: "Hi, who's this?"

1-12-01 - I few months ago, some bad ass from Texas came to Wally World and was made a CSM. He is The Enforcer. Do not cross him, and do not mess with him because anything and everything to him is a weapon. Violent words of anger constantly stream from his mouth, such as, "What if I stabbed you with this pen right in the throat?"

1-12-01 - The Enforcer made some poor associate do pushups for no reason. A crowd formed to see the event.

1-12-01 - The Enforcer deliberately made Band Camp Girl talk to me. While on her way to break, he asked Band Camp Girl to "Tell him about that one customer you had!" So, of course, Band Camp Girl started babbling about some customer to me with the eyes rolling back into her head and everything, while The Enforcer laughed at his triumphant little prank.

1-13-01 - A customer with groceries went up to a register that had the light off, no cashier around it, and set his food on the belt and waited. These are the same people that teach children, perform surgeries, run governments, and watch NASCAR.

1-13-01 - Wally World has forced me to reconsider my lack of faith in Communism. We have to make it work so we can get rid of companies like Wally World that thrive on Capitalism. Long lines and starving children can't be that bad, I'd pay that price if we could do away with Wally World.

1-17-01 - Today, the associate who answers the phones, also called "The Gimp" by The Enforcer, was seen walking across the aisle and nearly ran into the Miss Productivity CSM. It appeared to most people to be just a near accident and no big deal, but I guess gimps see things differently. After Miss Productivity continued on her way and we had all started doing other things, we heard a large gasp for air type sound. Apparently, the gimp thought the situation was so funny that she could barely breathe. We all stared blankly at each other. Rumor has it that some associates will be taking her out to get drunk soon. That would be a sight.

1-18-01 - Wally World rumors are never ending, but now they are worse. Not only are there rumors concerning me, a person known as "the outside threat" is making things up for his own amusement. He doesn't even work at Wally World. For the love of god, where will it all end?

1-20-01 - Some crazy man came in today, and it is believed that he is closely related to the Lone Ranger Man. He told one CSM that his house had burned down, but God couldn't have done it, because God is good. He also claims to have seen evil spirits in the fire. He also asked what kind of glue he should use to glue two lovebirds together. Upon returning, he struck up another conversation and proceeded to tell me that he was half Indian and half French, and that he was cupid and was going to shoot another CSM with his arrows. He also claims that his grandpa started the first "Tree Company" in 1877, whatever that is. I asked him where this was, and his reply was "out in the country." I don't know much about Tree companies, but I would assume the city isn't a good place for them. According to him, his grandpa also built Fort Yessirree.

1-21-01 - Today was a struggle with myself to see if I could actually go the whole day without doing any real work. Much to my amazement, I did. I'm asking for a raise.

1-23-01 - The crazy relative of the Lone Ranger Man, mentioned in the 1-20-01 update, Bandana Man, came in again today. He purchased several different items at several different times. He seems to enjoy talking to the female cashiers and repeating his story about his house being burned down. One of the people greeters informed me that he knows the man and he did some time in the state penn for chasing his wife with a shotgun or something. He also had a conversation with the Kinky Cashier and got advice on how he could cut his own hair in the style that he wanted. He described the style he wanted to her, and as it turns out, the style he wants is a mullet.

1-25-01 - Today a man did a somewhat disturbing thing. A man, who was believed to be sporting a mullet but was wearing a NASCAR hat, was walking down the main aisle of the store and grabbed himself. This does not sound like a big deal, but it was. You see, he did not just grab himself like he had a bad case of jock itch or something; he grabbed himself like he was the king of pop, Michael Jackson. It was almost like he thought someone would take his picture while he did it, so he made sure to grab himself in style. I waited for him to do the moonwalk in his cowboy boots, but sadly, that did not happen.

1-25-01 - A man tripped over his own feet today and nearly fell to the ground. I laughed.

1-25-01 - Today was the Kinky Cashier's last day at our Wally World store. The void that left in our lives will be filled with alcohol.

1-25-01 - I thought Demon was my most hated manager, but that may all change. You see, Demon is just dumb, which makes him very hard to like. However, there is another manager who is somewhat intelligent, but can best be described as a "fucking bitch." She is kind of like Hitler or Stalin on a smaller scale. They were both semi intelligent, but messed up in the head or something, and were two of the most evil and cruel people history has ever seen. This behavior is very similar to the manager who will be forever known as "The Fucking Bitch."

1-25-01 - I am NOT responsible for making any cashiers cry. If they cry, it is because they are pathetic and weak. I can not be held accountable for any emotional damage I may have caused simply by asking that an associate make sure they only take a fifteen minute break, or telling someone that their break is not for another twenty minutes. If I wanted to make someone cry, I would probably just call them a fucking bitch or something.

1-27-01 - After a long stressful weekend at work, I went home and tried to kill myself by mixing up a lethal dose of Gardettos, gummi savers, and Dr. Pepper. However, I failed and only gave myself bad stomach pains.

1-27-01 - With all of the real managers away at a meeting in Kansas, Demon is the acting store manager. May god have mercy on our souls.

1-27-01 - Snooks the cashier shut the light on his register off and walked away when he saw that Demon was coming his way with a shopping cart full of merchandise and was ready to checkout. Despite his attempt, Demon still checked out through his line.

1-28-01 - Humans were meant to be free, not caged like a cashier.

1-28-01 - People with only one tooth shouldn't smile.

1-29-01 - Pretty soon the American flag is going to be replaced by a flag with a picture of Sam Walton on it.

2-3-01 - Not a lot of interesting stuff going on lately. I just show up for work and continue my transformation into a mindless retail zombie.

2-5-01 - As the conveyer belt turns, so do the days of our Wally World lives.

2-7-01 - There are rumors that there was a sighting of the legendary Midget Meximullet in the area.

2-9-01 - Sometimes, for no reason, I just want to walk up to a customer and smash their face with a big jar of pickles. Then, if they have a child, pick up one of the pickles and ask the kid if he wants a pickle.

2-9-01 - I consider myself to be a people person.

2-10-01 - My job as a Customer Service Manager may be coming to an end.

2-14-01 - My bitterness is improving.

2-15-01 - We have a new cashier. I call him "Stupid." All I can say is that Band Camp Girl's husband better be cautious, because the new cashier and Band Camp Girl are a match made in hell. All cashiers must go through Computer Based Learning on computers, which usually takes a few days to do. Not Stupid, he's been at it for three weeks, and still can't buy a clue. Not to mention he tells offensive jokes to the customers and sings while he scans items.

2-18-01 - I HAVE EXORCISED THE DEMON! The Wandering Manager is no longer working at our store, and I am personally taking credit for this miracle. While he is gone for now, his presence will be forever felt. When I walk through the empty silent bins in the back of the store, I still hear the annoying words of "ok, ok, alright, ok" coming from behind me.

2-22-01 - Stupid asked for a raise. He said that since he is a college graduate he should be paid more. I have no idea how he even graduated high school.

3-1-01 - A deaf couple decided to argue with me over a price. They claimed that a bag of potatoes were marked as being 2 for $5. However, they were coming up as $1.77. Well, their math skills must not have been too good, because they were upset that they didn't ring up as 2 for $5. I finally had to write out a paragraph on a piece of paper to explain to them I was trying to save them money. It must suck to be deaf AND dumb.

3-2-01 - Someone argued a price with me and I stood my ground and argued with him. So, predictably, he requested a member of management. Management stood behind me and told him no. So he called the corporate offices, who also stood behind my decision. It gave me a warm fuzzy feeling inside to piss off a customer.

3-3-01 - Bandana man was in again today trying to return merchandise and he purposely sprayed a can of pop everywhere. It resulted in him being escorted out of the store.

3-6-01 - Our security caught a guy shoplifting a few items and apprehended him. When they got him into the security office he pulled a knife and said he was going to kill them. What's funny is that the only guy who got cut was the guy with the knife. The knife was taken away from him and he was arrested and will be charged.

4-28-01 - Some people have been asking why I haven't been updating my site. The reason is that I am a no good bum that is too lazy to take a few minutes a week to sit down at his computer and type some crap up.

4-30-01 - Me and two other associates were returning from lunch to go back to work. We pulled up behind a beat up, red, pick-up truck. In the back window of the truck were three bumper stickers. Two of them were for Dale Earndhardt, and the other one said "Ditch the bitch, lets go truckin." Of course, we followed the truck for about a mile, and wouldn't you know it... They were going to Wally World too. Who ever said that Wally World was a white trash store?

5-2-01 - This was one of my most eventful days at Wally World that I have had in quite a while. (notice the lack of updates?) To kick things off, someone walked in to our store, walked up to a register, pulled out a key, opened the drawer, grabbed most of the money and walked off with thousands of dollars. So everyone was kind of stunned by that incident all day. I'm not worried about it though, I'm sure the person that took it only wanted it so they could donate it to Jerry's Kids so they could see their name on tv or something.

5-2-01 - Within minutes of the money being stolen, someone paged that there was a code white in the HBA department. Now the last time a code white occurred in HBA, was when Rob had his little Dilly Bar episode, and Alfred was apparently trying to revive the man by shooting him with a telxon. Anyway, what happened was some girl collapsed and was having a seizure. The seizure went on for quite a while it seemed like. I stood at our podium and just stared as she did this for a few minutes. I asked if an ambulance was called and received the answer "I don't know." Assuming the same thing couldn't happen to me twice, I assumed someone had in fact called them, after all we were working with our regular managers now and not the temp managers like last time. Our management team is intelligent and can handle any situation. I never did see any paramedics or an ambulance.

5-2-01 - While the girl was having a seizure, a guy at the courtesy desk was about to have a stroke. He was pretty upset that we would not exchange his bike, since he did not have a receipt. We did however offer to repair the bike, but it evidently did not satisfy him. The man began screaming obscenities and was thrown out of the store by an assistant manager who kept his cool throughout the ordeal; however I wish he had punched the man in the face. He didn't seem like a very nice man. Something tells me he was a Dale Earndhardt fan.

7-25-01 - Our people greeters suck. All they have to do is stop the people that set off our alarm, greet the customers, and put a sticker on merchandise that comes in to the store. Yet somehow, they screw it all up. They don't mark the merchandise coming in, they let the alarm go off without stopping the customers, and when they do stop them they do not have them step away from the alarm system, so the merchandise keeps setting it off repeatedly. On top of all of this, they complain about what time their breaks are. Why in the hell would someone need a break from sitting on a stool all day?

7-31-01 - Why do people need to ask me where the grocery section is. Our grocery section is the size of any regular grocery store, that is a lot of space. How hard can it be to find a section of the store that is that big, plus in plain view from the area that I work. I'm pretty sure some of them walk past the produce department on the way in to ask me that god damn question.

8-3-01 - After declining a lady's check for the second day in a row, she got upset. She turned to me and called me a "trip." She called me that repeatedly too, like I didn't hear her the first three or four times she said it. I should have asked for a definition, I'm not sure what she meant. Maybe by "trip," she meant I was like a vacation, and everybody likes vacations. I guess it was a compliment after all.

8-6-01 - An Asian couple, who's "English not so good" asked for some help in our floral department with balloons. It was their kids birthday and they kept repeating that they wanted it to be "very special." So I prepared the balloons for them and thought I was done. However, they wanted one more balloon, but not just ANY balloon, oh no. They wanted one of the balloons that belonged to the store, a balloon that is used to advertise our products. This was a green balloon that said "New Item!" on it. I asked them why they wanted it, and they replied "to make birthday very special!" I wish my parents had cared enough about me as a kid to get balloons like that. I should have thrown in a "Clearance" balloon at no extra charge.

8-8-01 - On my way to answer a blinking light, a customer I was walking by starting saying loudly "She's telling on me, that's what she's doing, she's telling on me!" I went to the cashier in need of help and asked what they needed. They directed me to the customer. So I asked the customer what I could help them with, and they informed me they wanted to speak with the store director. Confused as to what was going on, I asked if we had done anything wrong and they said no, and that it was another customer. So I called the store manager to the register. Apparently, what had taken place was some sort of screaming match. One lady had spanked her child and a customer in another cashier's line turned around to see what was happening, and the mother doing the spanking started yelling at the other lady. She threatened to "kick her ass" and wait outside for her in the parking lot. So our store manager escorted her to her vehicle to ensure her safety, and that was the end of it. Or at least it should have been. The lady that was threatened went home and called the police to complain about our store manager. She claimed that he did not seem "concerned enough." I'll bet they hauled him off to jail and charged him with "not caring."

8-9-01 - I was covering layaway for a short while today. Everyday of my life that I work at Wally World I think I have dealt with the dumbest person ever. Only I find a dumber person the next day. Today it happened again. A customer grabbed the wrong size of curtain to put in layaway and got unusually upset. I suggested that she go get the right size and I would wait for her. That suggestion only managed to confuse her. She went on and on about how she wouldn't be able to put the layaway in now, because she got the wrong size. She must have been on drugs or something.

8-9-01 - After what seemed to be an assault of retarded customers and maintaining complete patience the entire time, I lost control on an inanimate object. Yes, instead of yelling at a customer I threw a clock against the ground. That poor clock.

8-10-01 - Today a mentally handicapped man came in with his friend. His friend was apparently a woman who was like a babysitter and watched out for him because he isn't right in the head. He wanted to purchase film and was quite excited. However he didn't have enough money to buy it, and got very upset and depressed. When it was time to go he caused somewhat of a scene. He sat down at a bench by our courtesy desk and refused to leave. He looked suicidal. It was sad, yet funny. They tried to talk sense to him, but that is a hard thing to do to a mentally handicapped man. Security, associates, and managers all tried to reason with him. Two hours later I noticed he was no longer sitting there and assumed the situation had been resolved. I clocked out and left to go home, only to see him sitting on the curb just outside the Wally World entrance holding on to a pole, refusing to go anywhere. I don't know how they eventually got him to leave, I'm assuming they used a tow truck, because he was a pretty hefty guy.

8-15-01 - An Arabic man approached me and two fellow associates and seemed to be searching for something. He did not speak English, but would randomly say English words incoherently and would repeat random English words he heard us say. Almost everything that came out of his mouth was complete gibberish. However, with the use of hand signals and my slight knowledge of the gibberish language, I managed to figure out he needed some kind of handbag. This wasn't good enough though, he apparently wanted a specific size or type, but I could not make out what exactly he needed. After some more meaningless hand signals and even more gibberish the man got frustrated and started screaming in what sounded like something used by an African tribe. He did manage to spit out a few words of English at the very end though; they included "GO NOW! GO NOW!" So I went.

8-21-01 - On my way to help resolve a situation in the automotive department, a customer stopped me. She wanted to know where the plungers were at. I politely told her that I knew and began to walk her to the item, at that point a man approached me and asked "excuse me, where are the plungers?" At first I thought maybe they were a couple, but it turns out they were just two random people. So I told the guy, sure that is exactly what this customer is looking for. When I got to the plungers the shelf was empty. However, there was one up on an overstock shelf, but just one. So I had one plunger and two customers. I did not know what to do. There was a weird moment of silence and both customers just sort of looked at me and then each other. I wanted to intervene and say "Whoever's toilet is clogged up with the most shit can buy this plunger!" Then I snapped back to reality and just stared at the customers some more. Finally, the guy said "Can I take a look at that?" and once the man had it in his hands the woman knew she had been beaten, accepted defeat, and walked away quietly.

8-22-01 - Now I've worked a lot of hours this week, and put up with a lot, but a guy can only deal with so much. Anyone that has worked with me or read this website knows that Demon was a big giant retard, but the new assistant manager could be his cousin or some sort of close relative. Although Demon has a couple of hundred pounds on the new guy that I'll call Hitler, they have a very similar mindset. Hitler has taken it upon himself to drive me insane. Tonight we had a somewhat busy night, but nothing we could not normally handle ourselves. For some reason he felt the need to deal with it and not let us do our job. While we had some lines on our registers and somewhat lengthy waits, he told us we could not send any of our cashiers to their scheduled breaks or lunches. Now this sounds like a good idea, but fails when put into practice. The reason behind this is that because when you hold off on all of your breaks it hurts you later. Like if you had three cashiers that needed to go to break around 8:30pm and you hold them because of lines, when 9:00pm rolls around you have associates scheduled for break at 9:00pm too, so you have to send all of your 8pm and 9pm breaks out at once to catch up on the schedule, that's bad, and the lines come back because all of your associates are on break. I tried to explain this to Hitler but he would have no part of it. So I did what I was told, since he is a manager I had to. Later on around 9pm, the lines went down, and I had to send around five or six people to break at the same time. Just after I sent them all, Hitler showed up in time for all the lines to come back. He wanted to know why there weren't more people on register. I explained to him that his brilliant plan of holding off on breaks had backfired and that they were all on break. He then informed me that it was my fault because I shouldn't send more than one cashier to break at a time. For one, that is impossible because we have a lot of cashiers. Second, it makes it even more difficult when he wonít let me send out the breaks when they're scheduled. The end result, is that we had long lines and waits for around three hours, usually we have them taken care of in less than one hour on a bad night. The moral of this story is not to be a dumbass.

8-23-01 - I haven't reported on Band Camp Girl in awhile. This doesn't mean she isn't around. She definitely is, and still annoying as ever. She recently cut her hair pretty short. Yikes, just when you think something couldn't possibly get any uglier. Somehow I actually find her haircut annoying. Everything that girl does is annoying, and coworkers will agree with me. Today she worked, and came back in later in the evening to shop with her glorious husband. She said hi when she walked past one time, walked past another time and said hi. Then a third time while she was standing in line, she actually flagged me down to say hi. She did the eye thing each time too. It is almost enough to make a person snap.

8-24-01 - Some guy wanted to buy two trash cans, but take 4 lids. I explained to him that you can only get the lid if you buy the trash can. His response was "but what if I lose one?" I tried to explain to him that if I gave him extra lids, then there wouldn't be enough lids on stock to go with all the trash cans we had to sell, but he just didn't get it.

8-25-01 - Some guy came in to the store wanting to know if we had security. Another CSM told him he did not know if they were there at the time or not, and asked him why he needed them. The guy then began insulting the cashier and the CSM. He claimed someone tried to rob him in the parking lot using a gun, but everyone was pretty much in agreement that he was just nuts. This could have been my one chance in life to page out a code brown, which is the code for shootings, but I didn't take it.

10-21-01 - Nobody is above our Wally World management. Nobody. Not even God himself. The self-proclaimed "Master Of The Universe" came in to Wally World today and wanted our associates to page out over the intercom that he created all of the merchandise in the building and it was all his and it was free for everyone. The defiant courtesy desk associates told him no and angered the master of the universe. Management was called to handle the situation and get God's temper under control. However by the time management arrived he had vanished.

10-21-01 - The Master of the Universe came back several hours later. He tried to do a lot of things, he loaded his cart up with a lot of merchandise and tried to leave and once again claimed that he created all of it and blabbed something about a wormhole and the universe. He also went back to electronics and smoked a cigarette. One of the associates told him he couldn't smoke in the building and he yelled at her and said that he had been on this earth generations before her and couldn't tell him what to do and told her to call the police because he wanted some action, he then started to try giving cds and other merchandise to passing shoppers, and was telling them it was all free because he created it. Management was once again called, the man wandered up to the front of the store near our produce and deli department. One of our store Co-Managers confronted the man and he ran away, but a random customer was in his way, so the Master of the Universe pushed him into a display, and then grabbed a gallon of apple cider and threw it on the ground, and it broke and went everywhere. Management caught up with him, and God pushed our Co-Manager GQ (remember the one that beats up innocent Christmas trees?) up against the deli counter. By this time a crowd had gathered and everyone waited for a fight to break out. Had the man struck our manager, our manager probably would have knocked him out, and we also had our biggest male associates just a few feet away waiting to jump in if they needed to. However, the police arrived and arrested God. I believe he is being charged with battery, he is also suspected of creating the Great Flood and killing several thousand people and having his own son murdered, if convicted he could face the death penalty.

1-25-02 - There's something in the water in this town. Tons of associates at our Wally World are pregnant, probably more then 10 girls. The situation isn't critical yet though. I still haven't heard the words "uhhh - hey, uhh, Scott, guess what! I'm uhh PREGNANT!" from band camp girl. I'd probably go home and shoot myself if that happened.

2-19-02 - People are complaining about the new Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition magazines posted throughout the store. Apparently they believe they're not for children's eyes. I guess they don't care about the Cosmo magazine, and other magazines like it, that tell girls how to give better oral sex and be better in bed. I think if I was in second grade I'd be more interested in the Cosmo then the sports illustrated. If I wanted pictures I'd just go look under an adultís bed.

2-22-02 - Apparently band camp girl thinks we are interested in her cleaning her blinds in her bathtub with a bathing suit on. I'll keep that information in my head and use it as a scary Halloween story.

5-12-02 - I think there may be a ghost in the back of the Wally World store. You see, every time I work in the layaway department I have to put things away in the bins in the back. Well, the shoe department has bins right across from the layaway department's bins. So I often see the associates who work in shoes. Not only do I see them, I also hear them. When I say them, I mean at least 3 different associates. Now the back of the store in the bins isn't a high traffic area, and I don't talk to the shoes associates, and as far as I can tell there is nobody else around other then me and one shoe's associate. So I can't figure out who they're talking to when they talk, and it's not just one shoe associate that does it, it's all of them. So either Wally World has some sort of program setup to employee people from the psychiatric ward in the shoe department, or there is some Wally World ghost they are talking to. I plan to further investigate this situation.

5-15-02 - Today I had to people greet at one of our entrances for a few minutes, because the people greeters are old and have to pee a lot. While I was standing there, an old man came up and asked me how to work a pop machine. A little amused that he didn't know how, because it was a standard pop machine, I politely showed him how to use it. Still a little confused, he looked at it for several seconds and finally got the nerve to put in his money. He had some issues, however, but he managed to figure out for himself that when the light is on next to a particular drink, it means they are sold out of that kind. I was so proud of that old man and his willingness to learn new technologies.

5-15-02 - Today, while working in the layaway department, a customer came back and inquired about her bike she had put in the night before. Her concern was that her bike was a men's and not a woman's. So I looked up her account and found the location of the bike, and went to the back to see which it was. It turns out she had put in the correct bike, and it was indeed a woman's bike. I went back to the layaway department and told her it was ok, and that it was a woman's. She then asked to see it. I guess she assumed I was a liar. So, I walked all the way back to the bike rack. The bike rack is like a big long pole on the ceiling with hooks on it that the bikes hang from, and is lowered down to the ground by a mechanical pulley system, nevertheless it is a real pain to put bikes away and get them out. Anyway, I got the bike down for her and took it out for her to see. I then asked her if it looked ok, and she said yes. So I proceeded to take the bike back to the bike rack, and went through the annoying process of hanging the bike back up. When I returned to the layaway department the customer was still standing there. I asked her if there was anything else I could help her with. She had decided that she wanted to pay for the entire layaway and take the bike home. At this point, I numbed myself to the mental pain I was feeling in my head, and the physical pain I was going through from grinding my teeth together in anger, went to the bike rack, and got the stupid bike down. I really should win some kind of award for my acting. Despite all of my hostilities towards the woman, I still thanked her and told her to have a nice day. She's probably thinking "What a nice young man." Meanwhile, I'm thinking "What a bitch!"

5-15-02 - It turns out that one of the shoes associates doesn't talk when she is back in the shoe bins. However, she is hispanic and I'm not sure she speaks English very well. So maybe she doesn't understand what the ghost is saying, so she doesn't speak back to it. I'll further my investigation.

5-16-02 - When working in the layaway department, we have to take a lot of customer information. This information consists of their name, address, and telephone number. One of the things I have noticed recently is that a lot of the layaway customers live on the same street. The street is Woods Edge Court. Now I have no idea where this is located in my town, but being that the layaway department is the welfare office of Wally World, I can only bet that this street has some real class.

6-2-02 - ALERT! ALERT! Attentions all persons who want to help better humanity, we have a problem. I was asked today if Band Camp Girl was pregnant. May god have mercy on all of our souls and this earth? I will definitely keep everyone posted on this developing story.

6-4-02 - Well, it appears Band Camp has met her match. There is a new, equally annoying, cashier in town. There are some differences, however. The new girl, "The Laughing Beast," is quite a bit bigger than Band Camp Girl, and she also, despite her size, likes to jump around a lot. She also talks constantly just like Band Camp. She doesn't come in shopping all of the time like Band Camp, but her annoyingness is more potent and obnoxious. She has just started at Wally World, so I hope she doesn't last too long.

6-5-02 - The Bird Man had quite an interesting comment today. I call him The Bird Man because he whistles like a bird for little kids when they come through. It's a weird little whistle, and he does it ALL the time. Most of the parents are annoyed, and most of the kids seem quite uninterested, but he thinks all of the kids love him for it. Anyway, someone came in to the store wearing a shirt that said "I love crack" or something like that. The Bird Man saw the shirt and can be quoted as saying "I did that once and it just gave me a headache." We really do hire only the best at Wally World. Oh yeah, did I mention he told our regional vice president (a big corporate head guy that makes all of management freak out when he comes around) that he "sweats when he farts."

6-7-02 - We can all rest a little easier at night now. I was told by a fellow associate that Band Camp Girl and her husband are not having a child; this is because they can not, apparently due to some medical reason. So the world is safe... for now.

6-7-02 -The Bird Man asked to be allowed to catch a bird with his bare hands that was flying around the store. I told him he couldn't for health reasons, but there will always be that part of me that wishes I had said yes just because I'm sure a great story would have came out of it.

6-9-02 - The Bird Man returned from his lunch very upset. I asked him if everything was ok, and he said he was really pissed off. He told me that someone had cut him off while driving and he came within inches of hitting a building. He later went on to comment that the other driver was probably "some gook from overseas without a license."

6-10-02 - I heard that the tampon machine in the women's restroom is broken. Maybe I'm sick in the head, but I find that amusing for some reason.

6-10-02 - Band Camp Girl came up to the podium this afternoon balling. She was upset because her keys were missing. From what she told us, she thought she had them out when she went to lunch and actually threw them away with her trash when she was finished eating. She was trying to get permission to search through the trash compactor in the back. That is a LOT of trash and unbearable stink to search through. She came back a little while later with her husband. As it turns out, her husband had brought her to work and she had forgotten that little detail. The husband showed up to find his wife upset because she couldn't find the keys that he had. Band Camp Girl did not have the keys to her car, or even the car at any point. So Band Camp Girl didn't lose her keys, she just had a stupid moment, she gets those a lot. There are two sad things about this story. The first one being that I wish they had let her search through the trash compactor before she found out her husband had the keys. The second sad thing is that we are all going to hear this story about a hundred times a day for the next several weeks.

6-10-02 - Band Camp Girl's husband has not changed his shorts in over three days. Over the last few days, different people have all spotted him wearing the same pair of shorts. What is sad is that the shorts are so ugly, they're blue with little crazy designs on them, and are WAY too short for him. These aren't the shorts, but resemble them somewhat, just to give you an idea as to what we are dealing with.

6-12-02 - Here is a fun fact for you. The Bird Man apparently has a hole in his head. Not so shocking, and hard to believe. He had a car accident; he said he had it back in "I reckon it was 86." I walked up to our podium and people were poking him in the forehead where there was no skull, it was quite a weird thing to walk up on. So this helps explain why he is the way he is. I'm sure he has holes inside of his head from the crack he smoked too.

6-12-02 - Band Camp Girl hasn't mentioned the key incident since the day that it all went down. It was probably too traumatic for her, maybe once all of her crazy brain cells calm down and stop bouncing around in her head she'll begin to talk about it. But for now, she just talks about her cell phone and all of the accessories. She has several different covers for her cell phone, which one she uses depends on what outfit she is wearing that day. I think I'm going to play a joke on a coworker of mine and tell her that he is thinking about getting a cell phone and to go tell him about hers. Oh yes, this could be a lot of fun.

6-13-02 - I'm retarded. Seriously. For the first time, I noticed that when someone is paging over the intercom that if I can't hear it, I have a habit of looking at the speaker. As if for some reason I will be able to hear it better if I can hear it. I think I do it quite often. I'm sure people point and laugh and say "Ha ha! That guy is a dumbass."

6-14-02 - Band Camp Girl made a joke today, a dumb one. It was just me and her standing there, and instead of laughing at her dumb joke. I just stared at her without even cracking a smile. Not just a stare, it was like a "I don't give a shit what you have to say" stare. I wouldn't laugh at her joke, so she just laughed harder to make up for me not laughing.

6-15-02 - Someone dropped a $20 bill today. The cashier called me over and described the lady to me that she thought had dropped it. So I ran out in to the parking lot and found the customer. I told her that we found the $20 on the ground and the cashier said it was hers. The customer said it wasn't hers because she had absolutely no cash on her. So now I'm standing outside with nobody around or watching, and $20 in my hand. There was a dilemma brewing in my mind. I could do one of two things, I could either put the $20 in my pocket and nobody would know about it (not to mention I'm extremely poor and starving). Or my other option was to turn it over to Wally World. So I weighed my options, keep it for my starving self, or give it to a multibillion dollar company. Like a fool, I turned it in to our accounting office.


6-15-02 - The laughing beast, aka The Big Green Machine because of her head to toe neon green outfit she wears, was a problem today. I had to talk to her about the Wally World dress code. I'm not very picky about what people wear to work, but I have to draw the line. Her shirt was extremely low cut and her bra was showing. Just imagine a six foot, three hundred pound green bean bag wearing this thing. I asked her not to wear it again and to button up her vest for the day, I didn't ask her for me or the other associates, I did it for the kids.

6-15-02 - I had to clear something up with The Bird Man. Someone was asking me about the hole in his skull, and why if there was a hole, his brain didn't ooze out of it. So to find the answer, I went straight to the source. I asked him about it, and instead of telling me right away, he grabbed me finger and made me poke the hole in his head that is covered by skin, but believe me, there is definitely a hole there. I asked the question again about the brain oozing, and got an "I don't know." So other than freaking me out, nothing was accomplished.

Random Thought - In the last couple of days I have seen a couple families that I would like to see them hire for the Wally World commercials. One guy told his kid to "Shut the hell up, and sit there right." It didn't appear the kid was doing anything wrong. The other family doesn't express their feelings with words, oh no, his dad just pushed his kid down in the main aisle. I just stare at these things and envision a television around them and the Wally World smiley face bouncing around like I am watching a Wally World commercial and laugh to myself.

6-17-02 - The Bird Man asked another CSM to bring him a bag of bird seed from the pets department. For a customer? We may never know.

6-17-02 - Someone called our store and asked to have "Mike Hunt" paged. This is one of the oldest tricks in the book, of course when you say "Mike Hunt" out loud it sounds like "My Cunt." Whoever answered the phone for that call fell for it, and while walking to a register a page for "my cunt" could be heard.

6-19-02 - A customer needed help out with a swing set for their children. So me and a stockman took the swing set, that probably weighed a couple hundred pounds, out to her car for her. We saw that she was driving a van, which is good.... but then we saw that she had about 5 kids with her and a friend, which is bad. So we tried to load the swing set in to the van around the kids, but we failed, there just wasn't enough room. Then the lady asked us to put it on top of the van. So I immediately said that the swing set is extremely heavy and asked if she had some kind of weight limit for the luggage rack on the top of the van. She said "no." Maybe her family van was just a disguise, and it was actually built by the military and could handle sever tons of weight on the top of her van, I don't know. Anyway, it wasn't my van so I didn't care if it got ruined, so the next thing we discussed was tying it down to the top of the van. I asked if she had bungee cord, or rope or anything. Her reply was that she had just planned on using her set of jumper cables to tie the 200+ pound swing set to the top of the van. For the safety of others on the road, we talked her out of it, but a part of me wanted to let her try it to see what would happen. She did, however, still put the swing set on top of the van, but we talked her in to buying some rope from our hardware department to tie it down. I'll laugh when she comes back and I see a big dip on the roof of her van.

Unknown Date - Something that happened a few months ago in our Vision Center was quite interesting. There was a problem with the plumbing, and some sort of pipe that runs near the vision center broke. It contained raw sewage. Well it flooded in to the room in the Vision Center that their associates need to use to do some testing, before they see the doctor. Good old Wally World.... They didn't close the Vision center though. So people that wanted to get their eyes checked, had to get some of their testing done in a room containing raw sewage. The manager that was asked to help get the plumbing people did not even want to tell the plumbing people it was an emergency so they would respond as soon as possible, probably because the multibillion dollar company would have to pay a few extra bucks. I guess he just wanted to let raw sewage continue to back up in to a doctor's office and sit and stink. No big deal I guess.

6-19-02 - It has been some time since Band Camp Girl's husband has been spotted. There are a few possible reasons for this. He may have finally realized how crazy his wife is and is now embarrassed to come and shop with her. The most likely reason, however, is that something happened to that crazy pair of shorts that he owns, and he doesn't know how to present himself in public without them.

6-22-02 - There are rumors of the big green machine having a romantic relationship with one of the stockmen. I don't consider a rumor though, I think of it as a nightmare.

6-22-02 - Being the loser that I am, I went in to Wally World shopping on my day off. Wouldn't you know it, I ran in to Band Camp Girl while there. She was nice enough to stop me, against my will, and show me the pictures she took of rainbows. Who knew you could take so many pictures of a single rainbow.

6-22-02 - Shortly after I had my encounter with Band Camp, I noticed her husband that had been missing in action was with her. I can safely put all speculation and rumors to rest, Band Camp's husband was wearing blue jean shorts, not the previously mentioned wild blue shorts, that are about six inches too short for him. So he does, in fact, own more than one pair of shorts. It took me a minute to recognize him without the wild, not long enough, blue shorts.

6-25-02 - A cashier paged for a stockman to go to register ten for a carry out. Since I was not very busy, I decided to do it. I went to register ten and asked the customer standing there "Do you need some help out?" She replied "Yeah, my ass has been acting up for three days and I'm trying to recover." A simple "yes" would have sufficed.

6-26-02 - The Bird Man claims to be worth between two and three million dollars on paper. He says that his father, who passed away at some point, owned the biggest steel manufacturing company in the world. The Bird Man says he used to work in the steel mill and had to retire from it because of injuries, I'm sure his jersey is retired and hung up in one of the factories. He told me that when his father died he inherited one third of the shares of the company, which is worth two to three million dollars. Why he works at Wally World and has two to three million dollars is anyone's guess. Maybe he just loves our wonderful world of Wally World and the love that it brings to us.

7-2-02 - I helped a lady out to her car with some bird seed. As I loaded it in to the back of her SUV she tripped over a curb and fell down. The lady was very nice and appreciated my help. Yet I still can not help but laugh when I run the whole scene through my head again. This only confirms my lack of compassion for society as a whole.

7-4-02 - Just a thought, but you probably should not ask someone who is working on a holiday if they are having a good holiday. Chances are that if it is a holiday, and you're working, you're probably not too happy about it and don't care to talk about it with a customer who is leaving to go be with friends and family. Meanwhile, the highlight of your day is getting off of a cash register so you can pick up trash.

7-8-02 - Many of the readers of my journal here laugh at my mishaps and run ins with crazy customers. You may also laugh at this one, but for the love of god, please feel my pain. My pain is your laughter, so please know what I go through to bring you this story. Today I was working in the layaway department and two ladies came in with a baby. Most people put in clothes, toys, and things of that nature in layaway. These two ladies only wanted to put in three rattles, only about $3.00 a piece. Fearing the answer I may receive, I did not inquire in to the situation about why they were only putting three fairly inexpensive rattles in to layaway. Well, you know how there are people that tell you stuff that you just do not care to know and they go on and on about it? These two ladies were those people and I heard the whole damn story behind them putting in those rattles. Since I had to hear that stupid story, so do you. It turns out that dink dink, the nickname for their baby... at least I hope it's a nickname, had this specific rattle for quite some time and loved that rattle. Well dink dink lost the rattle and was quite upset. Actually, dink dink was crying most of the time while he was in layaway, but I would have cried to if that was my mom. The lady looked everywhere for the rattle, "even under the swing set." I guess she assumed that I knew the swing set was some sort of key area where a rattle could be lost. She looked in the house, in dink dink's crib. And I'll be damned if she didn't even go back out to the swing set at night to check again. Still not quite understanding the significance of this swing set, I just smiled and nodded, as I usually do in this sort of moment. Well, she went everywhere looking for a new rattle that was the same. She gave me a list of stores she tried, but the part of my brain that retains useless information didn't retain that list of stores because it was still trying to figure out the significance of the swing set. All of the stores she tried did not carry the rattle. Then she tried good old Wally World. Wouldn't you know it, we had the same rattle that dink dink lost. So to play it safe she put three rattles in to layaway so she would not encounter this life or death dilemma again. She then went on and on about some other stuff while dink dink continued to cry, I also failed to retain that information, at this point my mind was reaching its snapping point. Finally the conversation came to end, or so I thought, and she took dink dink over to the bench to breast feed him, apparently that is why he was crying. I was so relieved that she was finally leaving me alone because I could not handle any more of this crazy lady. That was not the end, oh no. Oh cruel fate, why do you mock me? Of course, guess who showed up in layaway right as dink dink and his mom sat down. Band Camp Girl decided to pay me a visit. It was the ultimate one two combination against my patience and tolerance for dumb people. It turns out that Band Camp Girl had just purchased a dell computer and was experiencing some difficulties. Some friend that thought it would be funny, or an enemy that will surely die if I find out who they are, referred them to me since I am pretty good with computers. I heard all about her computer problems and she asked for my assistance with them, fearing that she would return in the future with more questions, I played dumb. Her husband began to tell me about how Band Camp Girl had called the Dell technical support guy at least ten times, I'm pretty sure he wasn't exaggerating. I hope to god that she got a different technical support representative each time she called, because no human could handle more then two or three technical conversations with her on the phone, and live to tell about it. Just when you think it could not get any worse, it does. Dink Dink's mom decided she wasn't done talking, and all of the sudden Dink Dink's mom and Band Camp Girl were both trying to talk to me at the same time. Everything from that point on is pretty much blackness, or some sort of haze. My mind was overloaded with useless information, and I went brain dead. Many of my brain cells were either killed or committed suicide in that seemingly endless period of time.

7-10-02 - What's funny about a Chinese guy talking on a hands free cellular phone speaking in Chinese? I'm not sure, but god dammit, it sure is hilarious.

7-25-02 - Some guy came in to layaway wearing a tank top. There was something seriously wrong with the guy. He had some sort of crater on his head, but it was about half an inch deep, and perfectly round. I believe he may have had it surgically put there to be some sort of cup holder. He also had a mole on his back that was no ordinary mole. It was a mole that was shaped like a hook and came to a point at the end of it, it came close to an inch off of his back and was really nasty. I also believe he probably had that surgically installed so that he could hang his jacket there when he wasn't wearing it.

7-28-02 - I fear that I may have been sucked in to a movie. I think that movie is called Office Space. Back to school season is in and I was working in layaway. There was a pallet stacked full of boxes that contained notebooks behind layaway. Someone thought that it would be a good idea to have me cut open the tops of all the boxes between customers or whenever I had time. So I told the manager that asked me to do it that if business died down a little bit and I got time, I would take care of it. Then another manager called me on the phone and began to explain to me that there was a pallet of boxes that needed to be cut open behind layaway and asked that I take care of them. Since I already told one manager I could do it, I also explained to her that I would take care of it when I got some time away from layaway. A few minutes after that, another manager was passing through layaway and informed me that the notebooks needed restocked, but before they could do it, someone had to cut open the tops of the boxes. Humoring myself, I asked what he was talking about and had him explain what he was talking about so I could hear it for a third time, just in case I missed any details the first two times I had it explained to me. Less than thirty minutes later, another different manager on her way to a meeting made it a point to swing by layaway and tell me that she would really appreciate it if I could cut open some boxes that were stacked on a pallet behind layaway. I was tempted to ask her for another copy of that memo (if you haven't seen the movie Office Space, please do). So when it was all said and done, I had four different managers ask me to do the same task within about a 45 minute time frame. There are two ways to look at this situation. The first, and most obvious, is that our management team is lacking some serious communication skills and I could find this situation extremely annoying. But I prefer the other perspective. Since I had time, I did the task that four different managers asked me to do. So by doing one single task, I satisfied four different managers. Usually satisfying four managers would take doing four different things. But today was my lucky day; I got four happy managers for the price of one. Now is my opportunity to ask for a raise.

8-3-02 - I'm pretty sure that I helped a customer that was either the biggest Beavis & Butthead fan I've ever seen, or was high on something. While trying to help her in layaway, I asked her for her name and information. She replied, "My last name is Marshall, huh huh huh." It definitely sounded like some sort of Butthead imitation. The thing is, that's not the only time it happened, at the end of every statement she made she would go "huh huh huh" like Butthead. I just stared at her in disbelief. I honestly wish I could say she was high, but I am pretty sure she was just really dumb.

8-7-02 - There are a lot of gimps that shop and work at Wally World.

8-18-02 - Band Camp Girl was in looking for new Care Bear stuffed animals today. I have never even seen the children get that excited over stuffed animals.

8-24-02 - While supervising the front registers I was graced with the opportunity to clean up dog urine. Some dog for a handicap person took a leak right in the middle of the main aisle of the store. This definitely was not one of the higher moments of my professional career.

8-25-02 - I canceled a layaway that a customer no longer wanted. So I went to the back to retrieve it and put it back on the sales floor. I was astonished by what I found. I pulled the boxes out of their bins and began to open them. I laughed to myself when I began to pull several NASCAR items out of the boxes. Typical white trash merchandise that a layaway associate will find themselves dealing with. I continued to pull the several NASCAR items out of the boxes when I also began to pull out things with big, happy, yellow smiley faces. It was scary. You see, the items were things for bedrooms and bathrooms, like NASCAR bed sheets and such, and Smiley Face bathroom mats. Someone was actually going to decorate their home with NASCAR and the Wally World smiley face. I'm guessing they were planning on building a set for a horror movie.

8-25-02 - I got a personal phone call in the middle of my shift. So I went to the phone and picked it up and it was Michael Bolton. Someone decided they should cheer me up and play "Time Love & Tenderness" by none other then Michael Bolton. So for the rest of the day I was singing under my breath "when love puts you through the fire, when love puts you to the test, nothing cures a broken heart...."

9-7-03 - Band Camp Girl was spotted by another associate wearing shorts and *NOT* wearing her trademark black pumps. This is the first ever documented case of this occurrence.

9-7-02 - Some lady was walking about fifteen feet in front of me or so, and I swear to god she ripped the biggest fart I've ever witnessed. Seriously, such a massive threatening force would get the interest of any terrorist. By the sound of it, the force of that monstrous episode of gas should have made her ass cheeks flap like an American flag in the wind. I had to take a detour to the register I was headed to in order to avoid any exposure to the harmful gas cloud that was surely awaiting for an unsuspecting victim.

9-9-02 -The people greeters are getting out of control. One yelled at another supervisor because a customer yelled at him, as if it was the supervisor's fault this happened. Our frail old lady people greeter with Alzheimerís threw her fists in the air ready to fight a customer over something stupid. Also, twice this week I have caught two different people greeters sleeping on the stool by the door while customers walked in and out of the doors. You know, you give old people the benefit of the doubt and you create a job specifically designed for them and they screw it up.

9-10-02 - Today a customer was offended because I didn't know that NASCAR racer Tony Stewart had immediate family living in the area. I certainly learned fast though. Although I forget it all now, she told me all about his sister, his mother, and for some reason why he is in trouble. She was shocked when I said the only NASCAR drivers I knew were Jeff Gordon and the Earndharts. By the way, she was getting her Tony Stewart rug out of layaway.

9-15-02 - I get a lot of crap from friends and viewers of this website complaining about my lack of updates. If you enjoy this website, it is a pretty good indication that you shop at your local Wally World, thus making you the enemy. So to hell with you, you bastards!

9-17-02 - The people greeter with one thumb and one finger sneezed in the break room. He attempted to cover his mouth, but used the wrong hand, and unfortunately his one finger is not enough to cover his whole mouth.

9-17-02 - Some random old guy came up to me rambling uncontrollably today. A lot of it was hard to understand, but here is what I could make of it. "Lots of Mexicans....and Japanese too....yup, lots of them sonsuvabitches." He then went on to mutter something like "[inaudible] Iraq [inaudible] kill all them bastards, then that problem will be gone."

10-14-02 - A couple of guys went back to our sporting goods department looking for high powered rifles. They asked the clerk for a powerful gun. He asked what they were hunting for and they said they were just going to shoot cans. However, they still insisted on a very powerful gun, a gun that could kill a person actually. They also wanted to know how many guns they could buy in a day. They acted very suspicious and were later seen trying on ski masks. I think they should have handwritten a section on the gun paperwork asking that they declare what terrorist organization they belong to. Instead the management called the police.

11-1-02 - Halloween is over now. So it is official now. The season to celebrate capitalism has begun. It is now officially Christmas season.

11-4-02 - The Harlem Globe Trotters were in town, and they were shopping at Wally World. Tensions were high because we all know that NASCAR fans and Harlem do not mix well.

11-15-02 - Band Camp Girl got some new pens. Oh, you didn't hear about them? You must be the only one she hasn't told three times.

11-15-02 - While we're on the subject of Band Camp, the situation is worse. It turns out there is an evil force greater then that of Band Camps. As it turns out, there is a new associate, whom I call Evil Band Camp Girl, and she has many similarities to the original Band Camp. The biggest difference is that the original Band Camp Girl is actually pretty nice, too nice, annoyingly nice. Evil Band Camp is evil, EVIL I TELL YOU! She babbles on and on just like Band Camp, but she is hateful and threatens people. If you gave Band Camp Girl a gun she'd probably just talk to you to death about it, but Evil Band Camp would yell at you about the gun forever and then shoot you with it, and then talk some more about it. I'm sure she could be an asset to Al Qaeda.

11-21-02 - Starting on November 23, I will be working three straight days in the grocery department. I don't know what goes on over there, but the job looks pretty sweet. Not too much hassle from the customers and you just stock shelves pretty much. I'm hoping that all the stupid people that shop at Wally World shop on the general merchandise side of the store and will not bother me in grocery. Maybe I will just get a random fat person in an electric cart looking for the Hostess cupcakes once in awhile.

11-23-02 - I was lured in to some sort of trap. I was told I was going to be working in grocery, it was only partially true. They failed to include the detail that I would be working in the frozen foods department. This means I get to work in a cooler that is -14 degrees. The positive side is that nobody wants to go in to that cooler and there is no speaker to hear pages. So I like to just sit in the freezer and relax. I guess I'm sacrificing my physical well being for my mental well being.

11-24-02 - I had to direct a guy out of the store today because he could not find his way out, he apparently couldn't see the masses of people leaving and entering the store himself. He was holding a prescription from the pharmacy, so I didn't make fun of him, he might have been crazy or had an STD.

11-24-02 - Since I have been working on the sales floor, I had to go to a store meeting. In the middle of the meeting I was informed I was going to have to lead the Wally World cheer. A chill went down my spine. So in the middle of the meeting, I snuck out to avoid being a part of that cult like activity. I was paged by the manager back to the meeting, but unfortunately for her a customer had stopped me and wanted to know where toothpicks were. I called her back to inform her I wouldn't be leading the cheer because I was with a customer. I've never been so happy to be helping a customer. The manager told me later that next time she held a meeting she was going to make me go and lead the cheer. I'm at peace with all the Wally World associates right now, but I will break that peace if I must defend myself from the evil Wally World chant, I mean cheer.

11-24-02 - I had to stock Tostinos pizzas today. For a single guy living on his own, that is a big deal. Without Tostino's pizzas I'd probably be dead. When I put those delicious little pepperoni pizzas in that cooler and thought of the joy that it would bring to some other college guy, it brought a tear to my eye. The tear later froze on my cheek in the -14 degree cooler.

11-25-02 - My last day as a frozen food associate was today, and it saddens me. All I had to do in that department was put things on the shelf, which was it. Now I must return to the insanity that is my regular job, and deal with the sheep, I mean the customers.

11-25-02 - November 28 is approaching. I must now begin to prepare for the biggest shopping day of the year and make myself realize that no matter what I do, and no matter what I say, I am going to deal with some retarded people.

11-27-02 - Ok, cashiers have a lot of stupid people they deal with. So when we are running a register, and you give us a bunch of bread, some eggs, and other items that can be squashed very easily at the beginning of your $300 order, don't get mad at me because your stuff gets a little squished. I have lots of other stuff to deal with, so when you get mad because your bread is all messed up, I hope you go home and eat that piece of bread, choke on it, and die. Hopefully, your last thought will be "Gosh, if I had only put the bread at the end of the order to make that cashier's life a little easier."

11-28-02 - My Thanksgiving day was spent at Wally World. Its ok, I was with my family.... My Wally World family. God, someone put me out of my misery.

11-29-02 - Sometimes I feel like a god damn genius at work. Then I remember that I work with and serve gimps and retards, and remember that I am just average.

12-1-02 - A friend of mine who works in our Sporting Goods department informed me that Evil Band Camp Girl was inquiring about how to obtain a permit for a handgun. For your own protection, I'm asking you not to bring the kids to Wally World.

12-3-02 - In an effort to break his own record long page of 58 seconds, my fellow CSM learned that the paging system at our Wally World has a limit of 60 seconds before it cuts you off. Yes, it was a slow night. Other boring moments were spent trying to remember the titles of Don Henley songs.

12-3-02 - There is something a little weird about a customer saying "thanks baby" to you. At least she didn't smack my ass (see 12-15-00).

12-3-02 - While urinating in a bathroom stall, I began reading the scribbles and engravings people had made on the wall. Seriously, who thinks of this stuff? What's worse, is that people actually DO write it on the wall. A lot of the stuff is racist. It is now painfully obvious what is going on here. What has happened is that the Ku Klux Klan is now organizing and having members write the word "nigger" on bathroom stalls. In the old days, they just would have burned a cross on someone's front lawn, but they are now proving that the KKK is as big as ever and has moved on to bathroom graffiti.

12-3-02 - While singing "In a New York Minute" I happened to notice Evil Band Camp shopping in softlines. I noticed she was wearing a bandana, which she often does, but I had never given it much thought until now. I think maybe she is a member of a gang, which would explain her hostilities towards everyone and wanting to own a handgun. It would be pretty sweet if Band Camp Girl had her own gang that was a rival of Evil Band Camp Girl's gang and they had a shoot-out. It'd be like watching blind schizophrenics with tourette's syndrome trying to shoot each other.

12-6-02 - For god sakes people, the word is "pictures" not "pitchers." You didn't take pitchers of the wedding; you took pictures of the wedding. God dammit, you are some stupid son of a bitches.

12-6-02 - I did a carry out today for a lady with a lot of groceries and she was very thankful for my assistance. Apparently she had been having somewhat of a rough day, because on the way out to her car she said "Thank you lord for this day, it's been hard, but you gave me Wally World." At which point, I felt like kicking her in the shins. God did not bless her with the gift of Wally World; American society sold their soul to the devil for it.

12-21-02 - I was called to register six today because a lady had grabbed the incorrect kind of batteries. After several trips back and forth from the batteries to register six because I kept getting ones she didn't want, she finally walked over to the batteries ten feet away at register three that I had been going to, and got some herself. No, you didn't misread that, she was too lazy to walk ten feet and pick up the right kind of batteries, so they called me from god only knows where to do it. How would the store survive without me?

12-24-02 - Well this is the last day before Christmas. Thank god it will all be over in a day and my work life will go back to its "works sucks" stage which is a downgrade from "work REALLY sucks" stage of right now.

12-29-02 - Ok, well I was very wrong. Work didn't get better after Christmas, it actually got worse. For some reason people did not fulfill their need to shop during the Christmas season, and seem to be shopping more after Christmas. Although we probably aren't doing the same volume of sales, we have far less help because it is after December 25. So I have elevated to the stage of "Fuck work and all those stupid motherfuckers."

12-31-02 - It's New Years Eve and this is my last day before a much needed vacation. Nothing all that exciting happened, but while walking through the grocery department, which is necessary to get to the time clock, a customer asked me where the grocery department was.

1-6-03 - While helping a lady do a carryout, she turns and asks "Which side of the store should I exit?" So I asked, "well which side did you park on?" To which she replied, "grocery." So I said, "Well we should probably go out that exit then." Seriously, people like this are registered to vote, and it's scary.

1-26-03 - Some guy was using a credit card, and the name on the credit card was "Janice." I don't know too many guys named Janice, but for whatever reason when the cashier ran the card through, it asked me to call the credit card company. So I called and listened to the hold music for awhile. Then after a lot of waiting, I finally got to listen to some more hold music. Eventually I talked to a person who transferred me to another representative, and then I listened to some more hold music. After some time the representative answered the phone and proceeded to transfer me to the issuing bank. So I got to rock out to even more hold music. Meanwhile, some white trash guy who doesn't understand what is going on is growing impatient, he probably wanted to get back to his trailer and watch the super bowl on his huge new 19" television with a kickass new rabbit ears antenna. I had told him that it probably would not be approved because he did not have any identification on him. He wanted me to call anyway, I also warned him about the long wait that usually goes with calling in a credit card. He, however, "don't give a fuck." So several minutes later, a representative wants to talk to this man and ask him some questions to make sure he's an authorized user of the card. He, however, can answer none of the questions. So after not being able to answer any of the lady's questions, no identifications, and extremely bad breath, he is declined the one hundred dollar charge after he tells the lady off. After all this, he's still surprised they won't let him use it. If I had seen some toothpaste or toothbrush in his items, I probably would have done the override for the sake of humanity.

1-29-03 - If your kids are in public and screaming, it should be legal for me to beat them, cage them, and sell them in Mexico as pets.

1-31-03 - Thank god for working at Wally World. II get to hear the life stories and problems of the other associates, which is great since I don't have problems or concerns of my own.

1-31-03 - We've got this new maintenance guy working for us, since our old one was mildly retarded and sexually harassed associates and customers. The new guy, I like to call him Toilet Gump, is really dumb. Anytime something has to be done he comes up to me and asks how it should be done. Poor Toilet Gump can't figure anything out for himself. He had a bit of a run-in with our door greeter, The Claw (Read the meet the associate section to see why he's called the claw.) There was water at the front entrance on the floor and Toilet Gump brought up a mop and bucket and told The Claw to mop it when he got time. The Claw shouldn't be messed with, and definitely shouldn't be asked to mop. Quite upset about the incident, The Claw called me in a frenzy. Luckily for Toilet Gump, I got him calmed down or he might have gotten his eyes gouged out by Claw's remaining two fingers.

2-15-03 - We've got this cashier that always asks us for money to borrow. Usually it's between five and ten dollars. She makes up different reasons for needing it, sometimes she needs to eat lunch, gas to get home, milk for the kids....the list goes on. What this money is really contributing to is probably crack cocaine. That's my guess. I call her the Combover Crackhead because she's also balding, probably as a result of the drugs, and she attempts to cover it up with a combover. I can't really blame her, I'm surprised that more cashiers aren't driven to drugs by the constant stampede of redneck customers.

2-17-03 - Toilet Gump came by the front checkouts today holding a thong and bra. I made the mistake of making a comment. I jokingly said "Those for you?" His reply to me was "Maybe after six or so beers." The therapist I have to see now because of that incident says whenever I remember that conversation I should just go to my happy place.

2-17-03 - Evil Band Camp Girl asked me if I had seen some movie, I believe it was called "Get Real." Well according to her it was about some gay person that was in the closet and led a miserable life, and then they came out of the closet and life got much better. Evil Band Camp Girl explained to me that the movie was so true to real life and explained how much she loved the movie because of it. Of course, like any conversation with her, it went on for quite a while. Anyway, she was so caught up in this movie that it leads me to believe that she may be gay. Play your cards right, and you could be her lucky lady. Sorry fellas, I know you guys had your sights set on her, but it sounds like she may be batting for the other team.

2-18-03 - Besides having a gun safe fall on my hand and nearly crushing it, today was a good day.

2-18-03 - I'm pretty sure that the motor on Evil Band Camp's mouth could somehow power a small city.

2-19-03 - Why in the hell do associates keep trying to hug me? I'm buying a stun gun.

3-1-03 - "Aren't you going to open some more lanes?" You know what? I don't give a shit if you wait in line all day. Since you're being all shitty about it, I'm going to make it a point not to open any more lines until you leave, so that I may laugh at you the entire time you wait. If all goes as planned you will never shop here again because of me, and I'll never have to hear you say "Aren't you going to open some more lanes?" Fuck off.

3-8-03 - I got one of our stockmen for a carryout, and the one I got was our "mentally disabled" one. "Mentally disabled" is really just a nice way of saying "Retarded and crazy" but that's beside the point. He did the carryout for the lady and she looked pretty scared of him. I would be too if I didn't know him. He has a weird film on his teeth and is always smiling. He's pretty scruffy, and he yells across the parking lot at associates coming in to work with his trademark "THERE'S TROUBLE!" He also declares every few minutes that he's "being a good boy" as if he were a dog.

3-9-03 - A lady that I had recently told could not exchange her VCR for a new one approached me shortly after we refused her return. Her problem was not that I would not give her another VCR or her money back; it was that the other associate was racist towards her, or so she claimed. I called a member of management to handle the situation, and I'll be damned if Apu didn't show up. He came up and listened and said a few things in broken English to the customers, gave them a gift card and sent them on their way. He later talked to the girl who was accused of being racist. For some reason she claimed Hitler would have loved her because she has blond hair and blue eyes. Apu laughed and asked if she spoke German.

3-10-03 - I was on my way to the restroom to wash my hands after working on a couple of the registers and I saw our District Manager. He went in to the restroom right ahead of me. I went in and began to wash my hands and he went in to the stall. A moment later, I heard him grunting. Now I've heard grunting, farting, straining, and explosions come out of that stall before, but because it was my district manager who is responsible for hundreds of millions of dollars, it struck me as hilarious. I guess rich people in suits have to take a crap too. If I had known that is where he was going in advance, I would have taken out the toilet paper before he went in, and demanded a raise before I gave it back to him.

3-10-03 - I've done a little research. I'm toying with the idea of wearing a microphone while I work and recording some of the craziness on audio tape and posting it on the site. Today, a guy came up to me and asked "Where are the pots and pans and shit?" in a hick voice. It struck me as funny, but it saddens me that I can't post sounds like that as of now. Just think of the possibilities, the whole world could learn to cringe when they hear the voice of Band Camp Girl, just like I have.

3-10-03 - A lady approached me at the CSM podium and asked "Where are your 8 track things?" Rather then dignify that question with a response; I just gave her a dumb look, since 8 tracks have not been in production for decades. She realized she didn't have a clue and rephrased it to "umm, you know those millimeter things." Still refusing to respond to such a dumb question, I just shook my head. Finally, she said "a little thing for recording." A few sentences later we discovered that what she really wanted was a blank audio cassette for her recorder. I directed her to electronics, and she insisted that there were some at the checkouts. I was pretty confident I was right, especially since she originally asked for an 8 track. She went off mad and never found her item at the front checkouts.

3-10-03 - I was counting some money around 5pm when the district manager said hello and headed towards the checkouts to leave for the day. He had a case of Mountain Dew and that's it. The waiting at the registers was minimal, but there were no lines without any waiting at all. So he came up to me and asked me if I could open anymore lines. Being the little corporate bitch that I am, I said "I'll call some people up" but in my mind I wanted to say "If I don't are you going to start groaning like you did in the restroom stall?"

3-15-03 - Originally, I thought it was "Dress likke a customer" day. I thought these guys had really good costumes, it turns out that they just wanted to dress like customers. This image saddens me, as it is proof that the white trash movement has swept away two perfectly good associates. They're even checking out the Richard Petty cereal. I suspect they even bought the NASCAR endorsed frozen corndogs.

3-16-03 - I figure it's only a matter of time before Wally World drops the traditional blue vest, for NASCAR vests. Only the store manager would be allowed to wear the #3 vest.

3-22-03 - I have worked at Wally World for over four years, and today I cleaned up vomit for the first time. A sad day indeed.

3-22-03 - Some bitch customer went through Doc Nizzle the cashier's line. She wanted half off of some rugs we had because a competing store had them half off. Ours were already marked down, and she did not have the sales ad with her. She wanted me to do it for her just this one time and next time she would remember the ad. Instead of drop kicking her and stomping on her teeth, I just decided to tell her no. For some reason, I had a deep hatred for her and had a strong urge to hit her with a blunt object. My outstanding customer service shined through though, and I told that bitch what was up.

3-23-03 - Evil Band Camp Girl is obsessed about some sort of cream that cleans glasses. She was showing it to me, since I wear glasses, and went on and on about how great it was. I tried to explain to her that I was satisfied with the stuff I use to clean my glasses, but she insisted on bringing some in for me to try. She talked about the dumb stuff for well over five minutes. My efforts to abandon the conversation failed, and I suffered.

3-23-03 - Believe it or not, we sell a CD in electronics titled "Mullet Rock."

4-5-03 - Some white trash guy with a mullet came up to me and said "Hey man, can you tell me where the fuckin panties, fuckin bras, and fuckin night gowns and shit is?" The fact that this guy was such white trash and every word he said was preceded by "Fuckin" almost overshadowed the weird idea that he was looking for bras, panties, and nightgowns. I should have answered "Fuckin homo, what are you doin in the fuckin panties section, you some kind of fuckin faggot." in my best redneck voice. I didn't though, because he may have mullet whipped me.

4-8-03 - Another CSM believes that Evil Band Camp Girl has a crush on me. I can't help but feel a little frightened.

4-11-03 - Some retarded guy said hi to me. He was kind of scary, he might have had rabies.

4-12-03 - We have a people greeter that has Alzheimer's, a couple of them actually. The one can't remember anything. The bad part about it is that nobody can understand what the hell he's saying. It's like having Ozzy Osbourne as a people greeter, except he doesn't cuss as much. One coworker said that trying to figure out what he's saying is like trying to decipher what Lassie the dog is barking about. The other one with Alzheimer's is a lady, and every weekend she comes in and asks the same questions about her discount card.

4-12-03 - **ATTENTION FAT PEOPLE** Your fat roles are NOT sexy, please cover them up. This includes, but is not limited to buying a longer shirt. Thank you for your cooperation.

4-17-03 - I briefly considered suicide when I learned that Evil Band Camp may have seriously had a romantic interest in me. She confronted my girlfriend to ask if we were together, and I guess asked that same question ten times just to be sure. I live in fear; this girl has been in a mental institution before.

4-19-03 - Little kids with their parents always say hi to me and ask me what my name is. The parents and other associates think that sort of thing is cute. What I'd like to say to that little kid is this, "Well maybe if you could get an education beyond that of your parents, you may one day be able to read my name tag. However, I doubt that will ever happen because your parents obviously think it is ok for you to talk to strangers and you will probably one day be kidnapped and sold in Mexico on the black market." Usually though, I just say "hi."

4-20-03 - Why do people think it is ok to wear fanny packs? Death to all who wear fanny packs and/or speedos.

4-24-03 - Just when you think you can't be shocked anymore. An associate came in shopping and then left and on the way home began bleeding from unmentionable places and freaked out and started crying. Apparently, CSMs can't only solve problems at work but are now some sort of personal problem solvers for the associates. So she called a CSM on her cell phone crying and bleeding from unmentionable places and god only knows what else. She went to the hospital and called and asked the CSMs to come sit with her on their lunch breaks. You may be thinking this was a cry for help and that me and my coworkers are heartless bastards for not going (They actually went to Wendyís instead.) What you fail to understand is that this was no ordinary associate, obviously, what ordinary associate would call people you only know from work for help and support. I'll give you one guess as to who it was. Here's your hint, when I heard she was in the hospital I thought that the battery that operates her never ending mouth had died.

4-24-03 - Someone was trying to return a portable CD player with no receipt and the UPC number did not work on our computers. I told her that we could not give her anything for it. She then proceeded to tell me that she needed money for gas to get back to Wisconsin. Like I give a shit lady, for all I care you can go give blowjobs to truckers for rides and get herpes and die, rot in hell bitch.

4-25-03 - While walking underneath the Wally World television playing a Wally World commercial, an associate passed me by and proclaimed "Whenever I see our commercial on TV I go WOOHOO I WORK THERE!" It's one thing when a customer is in love with Wally World, but when an associate working in the belly of the beast still can not see it's evilness, it is just terrifying.

4-27-03 - I can feel the walls closing in around me a little bit. The cart pushers we have are asking me about this page, and Wally World assistant managers are referring people to my page. Now how the hell am I supposed to write about people that read this page.

5-3-03 - I walked outside looking for a cart pusher. I found an off duty people greeter sitting in his car with the radio turned up getting down with his bad self. He was listening to "The Battle of New Orleans" and was bouncing up and down and shaking his whole car.

5-7-03 - Jesus motherfucking Christ. Ok people, when you check out at a register at any retail store there is a price to be paid for the merchandise that was scanned. Can we all agree on this? So why the fuck do you not have your check written, your cash out, or your credit card ready when we read the total to you. I swear to god I'm going to stab someone one day.

5-9-03 - Evil Band Camp is no longer a cashier, but still finds crazy obscure reasons to talk to me. I'd do anything to just make her go away. I'm convinced she is totally hysterically psycho crazy.

5-16-03 - While bored, me and my coworkers tried to decide on the girls we work with we'd like to see in thongs. That list was depressingly short. Afterwards, we tried to gross each other out by the associates we would not want to see in thongs. Sadly, that list was endless. Yes, I was getting paid while we did this.

5-17-03 - I made a bit of a mistake today when trying to show a customer something. He was looking for undershirts. I pointed to a rack in the men's department where they were located; the rack was some distance away. I asked the man "Do you see that rack over there that says 'Hanes'?" He kept saying he didn't see it and I kept pointing and trying to get him to see it. I finally walked him clear to the merchandise, and returned to my position at the front registers. It was there that another associate informed me that the man had a glass eye and could not see very well. So my bad observation skills came back to haunt me once again.

5-17-03 - A customer returned some sort of "As Seen On TV" dieting gimmick thing. Her fat ass complained that it didn't work. If you're stupid enough to buy in to a dieting gimmick, much less an "As Seen On TV" one then you deserve to be ripped off and stay fat. She got her money back, but I had the last laugh because she was old and fat.

5-24-03 - There was a cross dresser shopping in women's wear, it was pretty disturbing. Funny that he manages to put on makeup over his stubble.

6-5-03 - Band Camp Girl got her belly button pierced. Unfortunately, she's been showing everyone too, I'm sure it's not a pretty sight. Fortunately, when she first got it I was on vacation, so I have managed to avoid any sort of eye contact with her belly button.

6-8-03 - According to another associate, Evil Band Camp was in shopping for a shaver. Not just any shaver though, a shaver for the private areas. So she took her to them, which is a shock to me because I didn't even know we carried anything like that. She looked at them and told the associate she needed something more powerful. Disturbing information indeed. We think she should check out the hedge trimmers.

6-11-03 - One would think that after awhile Band Camp Girl's behavior would stop being so shocking, but it gets me every time. This time we had a code black at Wally World. This means that there is a Tornado warning and everyone has to go to the bedding department and we stop serving the customers. My job was to keep one door open and monitor the door until the tornado warning was lifted. So while instructing customers what to do and what was going on, I look over and who do I see.... You guessed it, Band Camp and her husband. She walks up to me and asks "Is there still a Tornado warning?" and I said there was, and she said "Is everybody back in domestics?" I said they were, and she hurried off towards the bedding. She was not working; she had actually come in to Wal-Mart just for this reason. If I was one of the associates in domestics and knew she was coming, I would have gone outside and taken my chances with a tornado.

6-12-03 - There was a kid who was around 7 years old, and I heard him say "I love Wal-Mart, it is my favorite store." I had a vision of knocking him down and stomping on his face, but I didn't. I think a tear of disappointment may have streamed down my cheek though.

6-12-03 - It's Band Camp overload week. Band Camp Girl once again took pictures of rainbows. Typical Band Camp, can't keep them to herself, and finds it necessary to show everyone. This includes me, and she actually showed me the pictures on two separate occasions. The second time, I was going to stab my brain with a pen, but didn't have one on me at the time. I guess she was making up for the fact I've avoided seeing her belly button ring.

7-15-03 - Some guy was up on coke, meth, or some other white trash drug and decided he wanted to return a hedge trimmer. He had been suspected of stealing the hedge trimmer and he had no receipt or even the box. So I told him he couldn't return it, and so did a manager. The guy began to go sort of crazy and paced around and refused to sit still. Later on, he just stood in line at a register and glared at me. I wanted to smile and wave at him, but I was afraid it'd spark the second chainsaw massacre.

7-17-03 - I think people should be subjected to the same treatment as dogs. When they become old, useless, white trash, and miserable they should be put to sleep.

7-17-03 - Why is it so damn hard for people to remember where they parked?

7-19-03 - Tensions between the cart pushers and the two fingered people greeter are rising. This all happened due to a few pieces of trash lying in a closet. The people greeter never even goes in the closet so I don't know why he cares, and it would only take the cart pushers 10 seconds to clean it up. Of course I could always do it myself and the problem would be solved, but my life is a little more entertaining this way.

7-20-03 - Some customers need help to walk, so they do not fall down. It's tempting not to give them that help for my own amusement.

7-24-03 - It was 5:00pm. I was standing at the podium while Band Camp talked to another CSM about the price of Coke. Looking for a way out, I heard a page for a CSM to go to layaway, I quickly turned and headed towards the back of the store to escape. Thinking I was free of Band Camp, I slowed down my pace only to hear her following behind me, and starting her Coke story over as if I hadn't heard it the first time. Pretending not to hear her, I began walking through the women's department very fast, and as soon as I left and began walking on the tile again I heard her little black pumps hitting the floor trying to keep up with me. It was like something out of a horror movie. I eventually made a quick turn and evaded any more of her babble talk. That walk to layaway will now forever haunt me.

7-24-03 - I was called over to the customer service desk to deal with a customer complaint. She wanted to complain about the lack of customer service she received while in the photo department. She was probably 40 or 50 years old and explained to me that she was ignored and that the associates in that department were talking about "punching hoes." I would have been interested in hearing that conversation, because one of the ladies in photo was about the same age as the lady complaining.

7-25-03 - I've previously discussed the speed walking midget. Well I've discovered a new breed of midget. I saw him standing in line at a register and almost fell over laughing. He was a gangsta midget. He had the baggy clothes, the attitude, and even the tattoos. I bet he'd carry a gun if his fingers weren't too stubby to pull the trigger.

7-28-03 - There's a lady that comes in to Wally World all the time and returns thing. The service desk associates have named her Psycho Susan because she has some serious mental issues. She's really weird and says crazy things. Most recently she returned some cups, that Wally World doesn't even carry I might add, because she said they had hallucinogens on them. If that was true, I would have taken them myself and sold them to kids.

7-29-03 - Some people get offended when you ask them for their identification. Usually this occurs when they write a check. I don't understand it, they get all irate about nothing. Is it really that big of a deal for you to reach your fat fucking hand back to your fat fucking ass, reach in to your pocket and pull out a picture of your fat fucking self? I'd hate to put you through all that trouble, I mean, I know it burns more then half a calorie to go through that whole process and all.

7-31-03 - I attended a concert over an hour from where I live. The concert holds tens of thousands of people. We were standing in a huge crowd of people and guess who was standing right in front of me, about three feet away. The god damn gangsta midget, I about shit a brick. As it turns out, he must not be a gangsta midget because this was a rock concert, so he's some kind of Metal Head Midget. He was shirtless and exposing his tattoo of an oompa loompa smoking a joint.

8-20-03 - After a few years of being a CSM, or some might call it babysitting, I transferred. I now work in electronics where instead of taking customer complains, I'll be teaching customers the alphabet so they can find their favorite Billy Ray Cyrus cd.

9-8-03 - I saw a retard in a wheelchair today. She kept hitting herself in the face.

9-15-03 - A customer called looking for "a stereo that you see all these kids walking around with on their shoulders." I guess she hadn't gone outside or turned on a television since 1983 since kids don't do that anymore. She probably wanted to learn how to break-dance too.

9-16-03 - One of the perks of working electronics is that you have the joy of stocking all the great music that we carry. Today I discovered this Latino gem, or as one coworker classified, Spexican. Even Menudo would be proud of these guys. Yes....We carry this work of art at Wally World.

9-23-03 - I'm told that Raza OBrera translates in to something like "working race." I hope those guys mean that, because I don't see their musical career lasting too long.

10-2-03 - I'm enjoying my new job in electronics, but I received some terrible news today. It looks like Band Camp Girl is coming to cashier in electronics through the Christmas season. I can no longer go on, goodbye cruel world.

10-2-03 - There is a very scary man who I have had to deal with before. He's Hispanic and he yells. His English is very broken and I can never understand him and he always gets upset. Today he came in and yelled about a DVD player. Thankfully, his cell phone rang and when he turned his back I fled. Later, the associate that once referred to Hispanics as "Spexican" helped him out.

10-2-03 - I can continue to live after all. It turns out that Band Camp Girl coming back to electronics was a big joke on me. She apparently really was interested in working there. The manager was told how much I hate her, and used the golden opportunity to play a cruel joke on me. It was almost a complete disaster; I almost hung myself on my lunch because I was so afraid.

10-25-03 - Evil Band Camp girl came up to me in electronics and handed me some merchandise that needed to go back on the shelf. I said "thank you" and then she just stood there. I don't know what she expected me to do, but she just stood there staring for like five seconds and finally turned and walked away. Very scary.

10-27-03 - I think I found Mexico's answer to Lord of the Dance. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. So here again is another crazy Latin music cd cover. Who in the fuck thought this was a good idea?

11-21-03 - So X-Men 2 came out on DVD a few weeks ago. We get buttons and little things to wear to help promote movies like this when they come out. For X-Men 2 we got a big disc with little lights all over it, and all the lights blink. That's all it does, it just blinks a little light around the button. It doesn't file your taxes, it doesn't cook dinner, and it doesn't hide the fact that you're white trash. So you'd think it wouldn't be a big deal, but it is. People stop me all the time and ask me for a button like the one I have, and when I tell them that we're out, they want mine. I refuse, just because I can. It's amazing to me that people are so infatuated with such a silly thing. The senselessness of our race never stops astonishing me. Whoever wants to be our next president just needs to put blinking lights on their campaign buttons.

11-23-03 - The next time you go to the record store and ask for help finding a CD, do yourself and the people there a favor. First, actually try looking for the CD yourself. You can usually find them by using this extremely complex method; it's hard, but can be mastered. We call it the alphabet. First, think of the name of the artist you are looking for. Once you do that, this is where it gets complicated; you need to reverse the names around. So if his name is "Toby Keith" for example, you need to switch it to "Keith Toby." Are you still with me? Ok, now you need to find the "K" section. Oh wait, there are different genres of music at Wally World. Actually, a total of FOUR! Oh my god, this is getting really hard. If only they clearly labeled the sections of music with what genre of music that could be found there... So if you're looking for Toby Keith or "Keith Toby" you'll want to find the letter "K" in the "Country" section. In that section you'll find the new Shock 'n Y'all CD that you've been dying for. Now that you've found your Toby Keith CD, you can head over to ladies wear to buy your new oversized Tweety Bird shirt and stretch pants. Thank you, have a nice day.

12-6-03 - Either in the 70s or the 80s there used to be a Coke commercial in which everyone starts singing a bunch of bullshit about buying the world a Coke to bring the world together. I don't have to elaborate on why this commercial sucks ass. Apparently though, some dumbass people think that singing in public is a beautiful thing or something. Unfortunately for me, it is not. It is annoying, your voice sucks, and even if it is good I don't want to hear it. So how about shutting your damn mouth? So even though Hakuna Matata from the Lion King DVD starts playing and everything, I don't need to hear you singing the words to me. You don't need to prove to me that you know, like, or care about that stupid damn song. Just because you know your kids favorite movie and sing it in public, it doesn't fool me in to thinking you are a loving soccer mom. I know you go home and slap your kid around you white trash piece of shit. Go home.

12-6-03 - By the way, your kid sucks too. Your child is not cute. It's ugly and annoys me.

12-7-03 - Customer: "Do you have the movie 'Bing Bong'?" (Or some movie like that) Me: "Sorry, never heard of it, but let me check just in case." (I physically check, and check the book of movies) Me: "Sorry, we don't carry that one." Customer: "Well my friend says you do!" Me thinking: "Here we go..." Me: "Maybe she saw it at another Wal-Mart, or another store, but we don't have it." Customer: "NO! It was THIS store, and she just saw it!"

Me: "Excuse me, I have to go get a gun and shoot myself because people like you kill any will I have left to live." 1-5-04 - I worked on my birthday. I am officially a bitch to this place.

1-6-04 - An open letter from a customer service associate to a customer: By the Drunken Rantor Dear customer, There are certain things pertaining to our relationship, which must be cleared up. The first is that I don't like you. It's not necessarily anything that you did. It's more a matter of circumstance. You see, for you to understand the dynamic of this particular relationship, I must break it down. You haven't done anything to deserve my ire. It's just the simple fact that you walked into my store. Simply put, you are a small part of a collective machine. Every time someone asks me a stupid question, every time someone messes up a counter which I spend countless minutes straightening, every time someone says, "Well, gorsh, there's no price on the son of a bugger so it must be free," I build up what you might call "hatred points". And when you come into my store, I will through no ill will of my own, direct those hatred points at you. Yes, you. Even if you are the completely innocent customer who spends plenty of money at my store, and some small part of that money ends up finding its way into my paycheck, I will still hate you. If you are this person, then surely you can understand. But, if by some force of evil, you might perhaps be that individual who messes up my straightening, who tells me that you can fit that treadmill into the back of you Geo Metro, who speaks to me in a tone indicating that I am nothing more than the homeless man you spat on as you walked out of the restaurant mere hours before, then I assure you, the wrath of the customer service associate, and all those CSAs with him well, we're coming for YOU!

1-11-04 - I took a call from the service desk, and they asked me to help a customer out with a television to their vehicle. So I and another electronics guy went up there to help, because we're great workers and overall nice guys. So anyhow, everything about this carry out reeked of "bad idea." First of all, it turns out an associate had to take the television to the front of the store earlier because the lady refused to walk back to the electronics department. So now we have established complete laziness. Second, when we get up to the service desk to help the lady, she has a cart full of groceries that are all bagged with paper. Wal-Mart uses plastic bags, but we keep paper sacks under the counter for bitches like her. Whenever you see a customer using paper, steer clear of them at all costs. This is because their lives have no purpose or meaning, and by getting paper and being different from everyone else gives them a sense of purpose in life. They never appreciate anything you do for them, never compliment anyone, but are the first ones to complain about the most minuscule things that do not concern them. I really wish they'd hang themselves in their bathroom at home; nobody would miss them, not even their family. They're the kind of people that think they own Wally World because they're a "customer" and pay my wages. Well let me tell you something you middle aged fat whore. Your business is nothing. When you threaten to shop elsewhere, ask me when I'm not clocked in to work if I give a shit. Do you think my wage changes? No, it doesn't. This isn't a locally owned mom and pop shop, this is a big corporate money making machine you've walked in to and we don't give a shit about you or how you're doing, just empty your fucking wallet. These places sell an image to suckers, and guess what, you just bought it. If you actually thought that this place was a fun happy place full of fun associates and other fun customers, then you are a dipshit. Take two seconds to think about it, why would people that work here be happy? People that are interested in helping other people don't say to themselves, "I want to help people, I'll get a job in retail!" People don't work at this place for fun, they work here for money, and not much of it. If they had money they wouldn't be here in the first place, and if they were well educated they wouldn't be here either. The few people who have any intelligence are mostly in college and are moving on to bigger and better things and don't give a shit about you or your problems. If you're just going to complain and be a bitch, just go on down the road to another store because there's a hundred other people behind you waiting to give us all of their money and at least thank me for my time. I'm sorry that you're life sucks, your children are dumb and worthless and will be hooked on meth soon enough. I'm sorry you're probably stuck in a loveless marriage and your husband cringes at the sight of you. You know what though, it's your own fault because you're a worthless bitch and all you do well is bitch. Nobody likes a bitch, so please, go hang yourself. Also, why do people like you feel the need to reproduce at rapid rates? Your life sucks, why do you insist on bringing a litter of screaming kids in to the world? I'm begging you, please go hang yourself. Don't take your frustrations out on me, I don't make enough money to listen to it. So if you're one of those people that asks for paper, the next time you go try plastic. You can carry more plastic bags at a time anyway. Originally this entry had a point.

1-13-04 - I can't believe some of the shit I see. We sell some of the worst movies ever made. We have an endless catalog of Steven Seagal movies. We carry "Freaky Friday", and we carry the new movie "Bring it on Again." The sad part isn't the fact that we carry these items in our store, it's the fact that mass quantities of people actually purchase these movies. Every time I stock "Juwanna Man" a tear comes to my eye. There are actually people out there that are funny, and movies that are good. Somehow, however, stupid ass people keep buying in to stupid shit, and as long as people are buying, Hollywood will keep producing. It's just the sort of thing that could drive a guy to drugs so that he could find entertainment in such a retarded fucking movie. By the way, Steven Seagal was never cool at any point of his career.

1-18-04 - So according to a message posted on the message board, at one of the Wally Worlds somewhere, there is a weight loss center. I can't believe I have not seen more of this, they have to be raking in the profits. I bet the owners of that place struck gold, or lard...however you want to look at it.

1-28-04 - Yet another Wally World inspired drawing from The Drunken Rantor.

2-23-04 - Don't touch me. Don't call me by name like I'm your best friend. I'm not your "son." Most importantly, you don't give a shit about me, and I don't give a shit about you. Come consume your stupid petty shit, like a tiny cog in this capitalistic society just like you were born to do, and just leave. Don't forget to die either.

2-23-04 - My updates grow less frequent. This is because I am working increasingly harder at getting out of this place I am now trapped in. If I am still doing this website in six months, then things are not going well. Hopefully, however, this website will be drawing to a close in the coming months and I will move on to greener pastures. Hopefully, ones that aren't covered with tile and smiley faces. Knowing my luck however and the current status of the job market, I'll be stuck here for some time working for that god damned smiley man. Only time will tell.

2-28-04 - I know I'm super cool. You don't have to prove to me your coolness though. For instance, when you're buying DDR Max Revolution 2 for your Playstation, I know you're a total tool. Singing a Three Doors Down song on the radio in front of me won't make me think you're any cooler, quite the opposite really. Dancing on a game mat like a fucking fairy in front of your television and singing some lame ass song only reassures me of my own greatness and lets me know that you aren't even fit to clean up the piss that the downs syndrome kid sprayed everywhere in the stall. Go play some dungeons and dragons and don't talk to me.

3-6-04 - This comment probably belongs in the random rants section because it has nothing to do with work. However, I feel it is necessary to say it here because it is important. I made some comments regarding Billy Crystal and his amazing ability to suck ass. Apparently, some people disagree with me, including friends of mine. They claim that he is in some good movies and some other bullshit. Let me get one thing clear here. Billy Crystal is not, was not, and never will be cool. Unless there's video on the internet somewhere of him banging Paris Hilton, he'll remain a pathetic little worm. I don't care what you say, that guy is a bunghole and always has been. It's like saying Vanilla Ice is cool or something. Sure, maybe I liked Vanilla Ice when I was a kid, but I didn't know any better. Now that I understand the ways of the world a bit better, I know that they're both complete idiots. Billy Crystal reminds me of the gay friend that every woman wants to go shopping with. Let us not forget that he is friends with Whoopi Goldberg....need I say more?

3-7-04- So it turns out that Billy Ray Cyrus is still alive! I thought someone did us all a favor and chopped off his mullet and stabbed him in the throat. It turns out, this is not the case. As a matter of fact, he is an actor now. What white trash store would be complete without a season of "Doc" on their shelf starring Billy Ray Cyrus as the doctor? He is sporting a pair of jeans, denim shirt, and his world famous mullet.

3-8-04 - The girl that works at the cell phone booth in electronics showed a lady where the Michael Bolton CDs were at. Once they were located, the lady kissed the Michael Bolton CD. Yes, his fans really exist. It's kind of like Celine Dion, you know she's famous, but you never find anyone that admits to being a fan. So you hope that maybe nobody really likes her, and there's some strange conspiracy going on as to why her music is played everywhere. That dream is shattered when you see people like this buy their CDs though.

3-17-04 - Yes, we all know you have a huge ass. However, it's not so big that you need to walk down the middle of the aisle in the parking lot so that I have to drive at a snail like pace behind you. Get your ass out of the way.

3-20-04 - If you're older then 40, then chances are I know more then you about the items in the electronics department. Maybe when I work in Fabrics and Crafts you can teach me a thing or two, but until then, keep your opinion to yourself. For example, a lady came up to me and told me she needed an "ink jet." I asked her if she meant a printer cartridge, and she said "no." I asked her if she was looking for ink jet printers, again, she said "No, I need an ink jet." I explained to her that there are ink jet printers that we sell and cartridges for those printers, and if she needed something else I couldn't help her. She told me it was a piece to put inside of a printer. So it turns out she needed a cartridge. I took her to the cartridges and asked her if she knew the number of cartridge she needed, or the model number of her printer. She replied, "I need an ink jet."

3-20-04 - The same lady that needed help with her "ink jet" needed help with some batteries. So I showed her where they were. She instantly started complaining about the prices and how everything was expensive. Then she turned to me and saw the expression on my face, which could be translated in to the "I could give a shit" face. At this point she proceeded to tell me that I was too young to appreciate what she was talking about, and talked down to me like I was nothing because I was 1/3 her age. The problem isn't that I'm too young; the problem is that she's old. Old people have run out of things in life to do, and therefore all they do is bitch. Nobody cares what things were like in your day, or what you think is wrong with the world. If a veteran wants to talk about serving in a World War or something, that's a different thing all together. The problem is, the old people I get want to talk to me for fifteen minutes about their television remote control crisis at home. Buy a god damn universal remote and the problem is solved, it's not fucking rocket science.

3-23-04 - Yet another picture from the Drunken Rantor.

4-25-04 - Am I the only one that thinks Simba looks like he's high on something here? What kind of message are we sending to children? Will someone please think of the children? You better, because I sure as hell won't. I hope they get addicted to crack so I can sell it to them.

4-27-04 - So there I am, minding my own business and working on something. I hear someone say "Excuse me, Sir." So I stand up and look around. I only see one guy around, but he's looking over at another department. So I go back to working on my project. About the time I kneel back down to grab some more movies, I hear "Excuse me, Sir." So I get my ass back up again and look around only to see the same scene I did before. Only one guy around, but he wasn't paying attention to me and was looking somewhere else. Again, I kneel down and start working with the movies. A few seconds later, "Excuse me, SIR!" Now I'm pretty irritated, I stand up and look around, still just the one guy. So I just stare right at him because it has to be him, and I was getting mad. Well, in the middle of my staring, I catch a glimpse of his good eye, which was looking right at me. I kind of felt bad at first because he had a google eye and I had no idea he was looking at me. Then I realized that he was the gimp, and he should have apologized to me for having a google eye.

4-27-04 - If it's not one gimp doing something crazy, it's another. Some retarded lady walked by electronics screaming and she kept banging her head in to the person taking care of her. Retard or not, I wouldn't take that shit. I'd hit them with a crowbar to make them more retarded, so retarded that their ass wouldn't be capable of head butting me.

4-29-04 - People always ask associates "What does this thing do" or "What does it come with?" and other similar questions. There seems to be some confusion about how much a Wally World associate seems to know. You see, contrary to apparent popular belief, Wally World sure as hell doesn't train us, and God doesn't give us some divine knowledge of the retail world. "So where do you learn about the item?" you ask. Well, it's from a little method I like to call "Read the fucking box you illiterate inbred."

5-1-04 - I don't know what the heck is going on, but I'm pretty sure we have gimps working in the sporting good department. Electronics is right next to their department, there are always loud crashing noises coming from there. A few times I have seen what has happened. Once it was a bunch of plastic coolers that fell off of the riser, and another time a whole stack base of merchandise collapsed and fell in to the aisle. To my knowledge there have been no injuries as a direct result of these disasters, but I remain optimistic.

5-2-04 - I don't consider myself prejudice or anything, but some stuff is just ridiculous. Some guy came back to electronics and apparently wanted everyone to know that he was gay. Why? I don't know. This guy was like 6'4, heavyset, and wore a shirt that said "Drama Queen" which looked like the Dairy Queen logo. He also talked like a woman. I found this man to be disturbing, so if that makes me prejudice towards gay people, then so be it. Still I'm not as bad as this guy. There was a guy who saw a black man and thought he should offer him a piece of his gum because it was watermelon flavored. What would have made it great was if he had actually asked the black man, then I could have seen him get his ass kicked, and that's always a fun time for everyone.

5-3-04 - A kid with downs syndrome walked up to our display XM satellite radio. He looked at it for a few seconds, and then yelled out "Yes!" like he had just finished a marathon or something. Then he turned and walked away. We looked to see what song was playing that he was so excited about; it was a song by Sarah McLachlan titled "Stupid."

5-23-04 - You know, old people are special in the same way as Helen Keller. By special, I mean worthless. We should have cages, I mean camps, for these "special" people.

5-23-04 - Available at your local Wally World.

5-25-04 - A lady asked me this question. "Where are your hip hop CDs like Brittany Spears and Hillary Duff?"

5-26-04 - I'm currently looking for a job and way out of Wally World. I'm done with my education and am out of excuses to still be working here. Please help me.

6-8-04 - Quote from a coworker we call Froto: "You know, I'm tired of this place getting sued. Every time they do, we all have to go do more computer training."

6-14-04 - What this country needs is more staircases. That way I'd have more opportunities to push fat pregnant white trash whores down them and prevent those syphilis filled jizz buckets from reproducing.

6-14-04 - For some reason, extra fat people think they deserve extra special attention. I guess since they consume more from the grocery section I owe them something extra. You know, I don't have the energy to help you that much. I mean, I have to walk beside that damn electric cart to 20 different items in the department, explain to you that the Playstation 2 games are not movies, and after all of that I have to point you out to a coworker and laugh at you as you ride away. Not to mention the lack of air I receive the entire time because of your overpowering body odor. I know you probably can't fit in a bathtub, but for Christ's sake, at least go stand in a thunderstorm for awhile.

7-31-04 - Note to manager trainee - We all know you're cool. We all wish we could be bald with a family, and be entering the Wally World management training program making ten bucks an hour and working 50 hours a week. Seriously, as an hourly associate working only 40 hours a week and making about the same amount as you when you break it down hourly, I respect you so much. I mean, your family must be so proud, maybe your child will take you to school to tell their class about your promising career at Wally World. Wow, what a great life you have, please outline some steps for me so I can begin to be more like you. Due to your greatness, I understand why you never ask anyone to do anything, you just bark orders at them....and why shouldn't you, you're working 50 hours a week to make 30k a year. Obviously you're a genius, that's why you have such a prestigious position. Those other trainees, they just mind their own business and get their work done, and some are even low enough to have normal conversations with non salaried associates. Not you though, you know better because you're a management trainee at a store that caters to the lower class of our society, and you know you're better then everyone else. All of us other associates agree too, we talk about how much we appreciate everything you do for the company, I mean, talking to people like their pieces of shit really motivates them to work. Some suggested that your massive ego was just a way of overcompensating for your small penis that you use to penetrate a lifesaver hole. Don't worry about that though, they're just jealous of your position because they know that not just anyone can be a manager trainee for Wally World. It takes somebody special, someone without downs syndrome, and someone with basic mathematical and reading skills. You can't find someone with that 6th grade education just anywhere; it takes someone special like you. I look forward to watching your career blossom at Wally World. I'm so impressed.

8-10-04 - Old people always come up to me in electronics and ask me to help them find a CD. Since I'm an outstanding associate, role model, and caring person, I help them. The problem is this; they try to sell me the CD that they're looking for. You see, when I ask an old gimp who they're looking for they usually tell me someone I've never heard of. This is pretty common, because we carry a lot of music. So then I ask what genre of music it is, this is where the problem begins. Once they realize I have no idea who they're talking about, they suddenly feel it necessary to tell me how great the particular artist is. They apparently have not been informed they're old and out of touch with anything that may be remotely interesting. So a conversation with them may go something like this: Me: "Hello mam, my name is Scott, and I'd love to help you buy worthless shit you don't need. Worthless hag in moo moo: "Oh great, I'm looking for a CD, can you help me?" Me: "No you stupid bitch. The music is sorted by genre and alphabetized. If you can't figure it out state law requires you to go get your tubes tied." Worthless hag in moo moo: "Well his name is Clay Aiken" Me: "What kind of music is it?" Worthless hag in moo moo: "What? You haven't heard him?! He has the voice of an ANGEL! He can sing anything, he's so talented. Have you heard of American Idol?" Me: "I've heard of Billy Idol, he's cool because he sings Rebel Yell." Worthless hag in moo moo: "Well Clay Aiken is great, you would really like him"

8-20-04 "Can you show me where "The Passion of the Christ" on DVD is?" "It's not out yet." "There was a sign up front for it." You know what bitch, why don't you go pray for the DVD. The release date is August 31, and not even Jesus Christ himself is going to change that, and if you would have actually read the sign up front then you would have seen that it said that. The sign wasn't in Hebrew or anything, it was in plain English, so what is your fucking excuse?

8-30-04 - If I ask you if I can help you, it's either because I'm feeling nice or because you look like a fucking retard, and not because I'm looking to find the "jackass customers that are trying to be funny" show. So if you don't need help, just say "No thanks." You think you're funny when I say "Can I help you find anything" and you reply to me with "Yeah, a million dollars." The fact of the matter is this, the world would have been a better place if your mother would have jammed a clothes hanger up her cunt and prevented your wasted existence to begin with. Have a nice day.

9-5-04 - So a guy came up to me and asked if we had anything for a good price. I told him we had merchandise at good prices all over the store, to which he responded, "What about stuff made in the USA?" The only thing I could say was "Not so much."

9-21-04 - If you or your company are looking to fill a position for a computer programmer or other IT position, let me know. I have a worthless associates degree in computer programming. I'm also bitter, self-centered, hateful, and easily annoyed.

10-2-04 - Some weird gimpy fifty year old man with an earring came up to me and asked for help. He was wearing a purple shirt, and was acting kind of weird. I guess whenever a man that old has a pierced ear it is pretty weird. He was super proud that he was from Kentucky, because he told me four different times. Why anyone would be proud of their Kentucky heritage is beyond me, but he certainly was. He was talking gibberish and I toned him out and began daydreaming of drop kicking small children. Well apparently when my mind wandered off he said something that he thought was funny. He started laughing and said "Sagittarius is very humorous this morning." Eventually I got away and he gimped off to the front of the store.

10-3-04 - Old people piss me off. After explaining DVDs and DVD players to this old bitch about four times she finally takes a DVD player and puts it in her cart. About ten minutes later she comes up to me and says "Can I change my mind on this DVD player, I don't think I want it." What the fuck kind of question is that? Here's how I should have responded: "No you dumb wrinkled up eye sore, it's in your cart now and you are obligated to buy it. Should you attempt to remove the DVD player from your cart, security will undoubtedly tackle you to the ground and sodomize you with a grapefruit until you cough up your social security check and pay for the DVD player."

10-3-04 - We sell double packs of DVDs in electronics. It's a pretty decent deal for about $20 if you can find a pack of decent movies. There's usually one that is decent, and the other is generally some terrible piece of shit. Sometimes they get two decent movies, but they have nothing to do with each other. One in particular drives me insane, Terminator 3 and 2001: A Space Odyssey. The average Terminator 3 fan could never sit through 2001, and the average 2001 fan would probably laugh at T3. Who am I to question these things though, this company has more 0's in its sales then most of their customers have brain cells.

10-5-04 - Well I learned that last week Band Camp locked herself in the family restroom located in layaway. I guess the door got jammed somehow, and couldn't be opened, leaving Band Camp stranded. I guess she started freaking out and screaming and the layaway associate working heard her cries and called for help like a true hero. I think it was a sign that people like her should be locked away, but that's just my opinion I guess.

10-12-04 - Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas this year is a job. I don't like Wally World very much. Wally World sucks ass Santa. Not to mention that your services are not needed with Wally World around. So Santa, I'm asking you for a good job this year because I've been very good. While I may exploit other people's characteristics and downfalls, I haven't really DONE anything bad other then write. I put up with children's shit every day. They ask me to reset the Playstation, and get Pokemon games and cry all the time. I think I heard one of them threaten to kick me in the shin, the little bastard. So Santa, if you want me to continue putting up with these little antichrist children you send my way everywhere, you're wrong. Should I not have a job by Christmas day, I will pay a child's parents to bring up child molestation charges against you. Face the facts Santa, you sneak in to people's houses at night and give gifts to children, I'm on to you. You better pay up. Merry Christmas, The Wally World Guy

10-23-04 - Another drawing from the Drunken Rantor.